First day at Crowbird High school ~Chapter 2~

Odelia : 

 As usual, at 6:30 am my alarm went off. I got showered and dressed , and by the time I made my way to the breakfast bar my parents had set off for work, leaving a note behind them reminding me about my daily schedule. This morning it read : "Odelia honey, hope you have an educational yet interesting first day at school, remember your manners. Mr Carlsberg will be at the mansion at 7:45 am to take you to school. At 15:00 pm he will pick you up and take you to your dancing lessons, then at 17:00 pm he will bring  you back to the mansion where you will go to the stables and take Blaze for a ride. Dinner will be served at 19:00 pm, don't be late. Love Mum and Dad."

   My parents are forever speaking to me as if I am a robot, today though that didn't bother me, I was too excited to dwell over it.

                                                        *

   Since it was my first day at Crowbird high , I had to go an hour early so my new principal could show me around the school and walk me through my time table. After a short drive to school, a quick tour around campus , I was at my first class, Greek history.

   The rest of the day went by very fast, I didn't have time to meet anyone , as I was too busy trying to get to my classes in time and remembering the way back to my locker. At lunch I got to relax a bit and grab a bite to eat. Since I was the new girl in school everyone in the school cafeteria was talking about me, but what everyone was mostly interested in was that I was really wealthy and part of an aristocratic family,  and most of the students asked me if I had met the president of the USA or the Queen of England. The only person that didn't ask me that was a boy named Jake, who kept me company for 5 minutes until his friends pulled him away. He was really sweet, kind and he treated me like a normal person.

   As my note said I done, and at seven o'clock I was having dinner with my parents , but this time they actually weren't as robotic as other evenings.

   "So young lady how did your day go,was it as you expected ? " my mother asked.

   "I had a wonderful yet exhausting day, I didn't have time to enjoy it because I was trying to figure out my way around campus, but from what I can see the kids are really friendly, and the thing I noticed was that they didn't seem to notice that I come from such a family, they only knew because someone heard the teachers talking about me and the next thing you know it was all over school".

   My father was really happy for me but he was worried that I was going to mess with the wrong sort of people and that would be the end of me. My goal? Was to prove him wrong, I was going to do everything in order to keep him happy.

   After a pleasurable dinner with my parents I went to bed and slept like a baby.  

Reviews

[Ufi Auttorri ~ UfoAutho..]

Observations

- There is a curious perception of being talked to like a robot; how do you imagine one talks to a robot? Is this an anthropomorphic robot on a purely non-human contrivance? Does communicating an daily agenda qualify or is this more of the simile to being "programmed" with same? A point for reflection and nuance.
- "Crowbird" is such an interesting name. It seems chosen on a subliminal level although it could be overt. Either way it stands out as curious hat hook for thought.
- "...first class, Greek history." Now, that's a tell, if you really do reside in Greece. Although you haven't provided the reader with any clues (that I could discern) it could be useful to consider the type of high school subjects/curriculum that might be offered at Crowbird based upon the country and locale. A minor point but something to think about if you wish the context to be a good fit for the target audience.
- The parent-child dialog, although mature, seem a bit unnatural. It wavers between a faux high-society/egalitarian form and one that is more typical of a student learning the English language and supposing/imagining how a "normal" teenager might talk. If the character's attributes are in flux (mannerisms, speech, etc.) then perhaps a more clearly defined transition would be useful for the reader. E.g., she (the main character) starts out speaking with excellent diction but then proceeds to degrade into "normal" speech patterns as her experiences at Crowbird progress. How might her parents react to this sort of transition? Will there be others forms of "normalization" and if so, how will this affect/change/move the story along its arc?

So far, we have an introduction of characters, some background, a motivation for action and some preliminary steps forward. The question for the reader becomes one of "interest." What is happening in this story that is "of interest?" Why should we keep reading? Is there a promise of things to come that might encourage us to stay with the passive overtones of plot mechanics?

Consider the reader and their "minds eye", their emotional involvement with the characters and their need for periodic gratification in the form of climatic minimums and maximums of resolution; all building up to a knock out ending that will leave them wanting more.

Well, that's my initial thought. All in all a good start. I will be interested to see where you take it from here! :)

-Ufi

[Aria K.]

When I say they speak to her as if she is a robot I mean that they treat her like a machine, just telling her what to do and what not to do and how she should behave, not looking at the fun side of life!!
Also keep in mind that since the parents treat her the way they do , she will seek love and normality from an other person.

[Ufi Auttorri ~ UfoAuthor]

Well, I guess that is my point. If you want the reader to FEEL this mechanistic one-way relationship (I am the human, you are the toaster) then perhaps some additional writing could accomplish this, no? As it stands, for me, the issuance of a daily schedule doesn't seem to convey that.

As for the character seeking "love and normality" it begs this question: Does the daughter really understand what "normal" is or is she simply imagining what it is or perhaps simply wishing for something different? One has to wonder where she acquired a sense of "normal" to contrast her current existence with. How was this experience gained? Did she live a secret life before her current one?

Readers are not stupid and they are easily bored. Your job in this piece will be to maintain interest and not insult their intelligence; unless you are writing for earthworms or something. You're not writing for small, unintelligent creatures, are you? :)

Now, please, don't think I am being unduly harsh. That is not my intention. I'm merely trying to point out things that deviate from "normal" with respect to what I, personally, think contributes to a good story. I am just one opinion. Seek others as well and get a more balanced response.

I acknowledge that this is just in the beginning stages of the story and it's your first piece here. Further take heart in the fact that I can seem uncaring and crotchety but that's just me. Perhaps it's only so that you won't try to consume my delicate and caring nature like so much tea and crumpet. Who knows? ^_^

It's a very nice story. Please continue!

[Aria K.]

Well I will keep everything in mind and hopefully will improve my work! More chapters coming soon !

[sunny]

hi A very good first try will be interested in the next chapter . !!!

[Aria K.]

Thanks :)