Suicide

Think about how your actions are going to affect those you love.

The wind blew swiftly through her sinuous hair. She could feel a sense of calm rush within her; the ocean’s mist whistled past her ear. Tears of her hardships escaped behind her to the decaying terrace. She wiped them away and thought about the simplicity to follow. Looking out, the depth of the water appeared cowardly compared to the rocky escarpment below her creeping feet. She thought about the previous events that unfolded, and stepped toward the edge, as her last thoughts fled, she took one more step forward. One idea stopped her from taking the last stride. She paused, thinking; her mind moved slowly, churning until nothing remained to contemplate. I didn’t realize what she had done until it was too late. She leapt off the edge " the moments to follow would be the longest of my life " and floated to the parading waves like an angel. The few seconds between letting go and reaching the water were the calmest I had seen her in the past few months. I called to her, and saw one last breath leave her body before she got swallowed by the undulating waves. Her silent cries for help weren’t understood, but the wind could be heard wishing her a course of happiness. I stared silently into the ocean until I saw her body resurface minutes later, motionless. The grainy wasteland grew colder below my feet; I looked up to find the moon comforting me; hours had passed and I hadn’t noticed. The illuminating crescent bid me farewell, and I replied softly, wiping away a tear. A feeling of anger crept to the surface and I balled my fists until they were as white as the sand below. I shrunk down to my knees and the loss caught up with me. The moon reigned over its reflection in the water that appears as dark as the night sky. “What have you done,” I whispered softly. My hand reached for my heart and I felt the delicate, woven bracelet on my wrist. I looked at it, and read the name, “Gabrielle”; my eyes flew to the sea below and I quickly untied the memory on my thin wrist. Gripping the bracelet in my hand, I swiftly threw it into the ocean and rid myself of the rest of my anger. It drifted toward the earth as simply as she had minutes before; I had deja vu to hours before when I saw another being of my own nature jump to their death. Leaning over the edge, I witnessed the bracelet parade into the ocean with its rightful owner nowhere in sight. The bracelet, the last living memory of my soulmate, disappeared into the waves. Thoughts in my mind jumbled together and I lost my balance. Steadying myself, I got into my large, black jeep which soon roared to life; I pressed the gas pedal and made my way home. 

✦ ✦ ✦

Gusts of wind force me back from the cliff. Despite their effort to halt my decision, I creep toward the edge. My hair blows swiftly behind me; the tears of my challenges escape from my burning eyes. I dry them and fight to maintain my serenity. Peering down, the jagged cliff measures about 250 feet; this makes my expedition to the water below possible. Looking out over the landscape, I witness birds swooping down to feast on their prey in the sea. I am the prey and the others are the predators. I realize it is my turn to perish from the food chain. My foot slides forward and slowly eases me to the edge. The thoughts in my head churn rapidly until they slow to a stand-still. With no more to worry about, I take one, final step to the very edge of the cliff. My bare feet create an overhang on the delicate edge. A single thought postpones my journey to the waves below. I can feel my soulmate's presence in the scenery behind me. His cornflower blue eyes and raven black hair will haunt me in the after life. When I imagine his thin, joyous smile, it makes me not want to take the leap. I scan the dancing water below; I know it will take good care of me. I take a step back and my head spins around to take one last look at the love of my life. Seeing his rosy nose and frosty breath makes me contemplate the decision I am about to make. He is looking down, playing with the bracelet I gave him with my name on it when I turn back around to face the sky. The realization that I will see him in the afterlife occurs and I step back into the footprints on the edge of the cliff. Gears start turning again in my mind until I decide to be done thinking. My body is frozen in place and I force my thoughts to stop. Everything is quiet and all that can be heard is the wind briskly invading the brush behind me, the waves colliding with the rocks below, and my slow, steady breath. My cold legs bend to ready myself for my final journey in this place. I push off the rocks and ascend into the air until my journey to the waves begins. I am in the air, ready for my descent when time stops. My body is twisted around, and I am forced to see the world around me one last time. I observe the dancing trees, parading sand, rising and retreating waves. The rocks are watching me peacefully, and the long grass at the top of the cliff is waving goodbye. Frozen in time, I interpret the world that I must so soon depart from. I look down to see the ocean extending its arms to me. All doubt left me as quickly as it came and time speeds up to regular time again. Despite my delicate leap, I start gaining speed as I grow closer to the water. The water is coming closer to me now and I know it will be seconds until my body is shocked by the freezing waves. When my body collides with the harsh waves, a yelp of panic escapes me. Waves close over my face and everything gets distorted. I start falling slowly toward the bottom of the ocean, nearly unconscious. I can make out the faint outline of a small, brown object floating down to the ocean after me. That was the last thing I saw before everything went black.

Death welcomes me into his chamber as if he has been expecting me. I try to speak, but my vocal chords won’t move. He booms, “You have ended your life on purpose with the thought that everything will get better.” I nodded as he continued, “This is to show you that what you have done may not be for the best.” Confused, I looked around to find the voice in the dark space surrounding me. Suddenly, the walls flickered to life and I saw a video of my love, Jacob, playing. The voice began to narrate: “This boy, your love, will forever be in pain. Pain that you caused him because it would make your life easier.” I see him laughing with his friends, walking with me in the park, and laying on his bed reading a book. His movements are so gentle and caring, his laugh makes everyone around him smile. I beg the voice to turn off the video. It gets silent and dark again. Tears caress my cheek while my breath escapes my shaking body. “Do you understand?” said the voice. I nodded, and he added, “Your new journey starts now.” Confused, I looked around again, to try to view my surroundings. To no avail, I sat on the large mandala pattern in the middle of the floor. Soon, it starts rotating slowly until it is spinning as fast as a tornado. I close my eyes and my hair blows around in a chaotic storm until the ride comes to a halt. I slowly lift my eye lids to reveal the sun shining and birds chirping. I am sitting in a park on a slowly spinning carousel still huddled in a ball. Children are playing on the colorful playground while their parents talk on the cold, metal benches. Laughter is heard all over the city. I can’t tell where I am, but I feel like I have been here before. My voice echoes quietly as I try to ask for assistance from the man in Death’s chamber. When I get no response, I walk briskly to the parents sitting on the bench, “what is this city called?” They ignore my question and continue talking, without sending a glance my way. Unenthused, I wander down the street to a hotel. The warm, scented air greets me when I walk in, “excuse me,” I say gently, “what city am I in?” I receive no response and shuffle out of the warm hotel, defeated. The winter air catches my breath as I turn the corner. Suddenly, I get a rush of familiarity, the sign ahead of me says 9521 Windy Oak Trail. Where had I heard that before? My senses told me to follow the signs; the markers direct me to a cottage style house in a cul-de-sac.  The iron details and red rounded door accent the light blue exterior and white shutters. Ivy creeps up the sides of the house and porch beams. The house seems familiar, yet I don’t recognize it. The round door is ajar, so I walk in the cozy home. 

The interior of the house is as cute and cottage-like as the outside. A woman with gray hair walks right past me and peeks out the front door, “I could have sworn I just heard the door open,” she said. I replied, but again, no response or acknowledgement of my existence. It occurred to me that no one can see or hear me; this must be what ‘my new journey’ is. The lady continued back to the living room and sat in solemn silence. Everyone spoke softly, so the house is nearly silent despite the plethora of people in it. I ventured into the kitchen and many things flooded my sight. I caught a calendar out of the corner of my eye and saw that the date is March 7, 2017, a year after I committed. The weeping of a woman caught my ear, “I can’t believe he’s gone, he was such a fine man,” it is the woman who had passed me in the entry way. I recognize her voice, but it seems much quieter and raspier than I remember. Then it clicked. It is Jacob’s mom. Terrible thoughts flood my head until Jacob emerges from the stairs. He looked awful, simply awful. His eyes were red and bloodshot, and he had bags under his eyes like he hadn’t slept in days. I evaluated his physical state; he had lost so much weight, you could see his bones through his clothes. His battered shirt sleeves were pushed up until he quickly pulled them down and winced in pain. I traced his sleeves with my eyes before he could pull them down and saw long scars and fresh cuts on his wrists and forearms. He walked, head down, into the kitchen. A friend of his mom’s asked, “how is he doing?” She responded quietly, “not well, he has gone into a state of depression since Gabby’s death, and his father’s death isn't helping either.” “His father died?” I thought. “I am so scared he is going to take his own life one of these days,” she continued. “I have tried everything to help him, but nothing has worked. He spends most of his days at the top of that mountain where he witnessed Gabby’s death.” These words send me flying out the door; the cold air hits me like a wall, but I continue running. 

When I took my own life, I didn’t realize the toll it would have on others around me. The sun is behind the clouds, leaving the sky dark and gloomy. I wander to the park where I started in this future place. I sit on a bench and contemplate my next action now that I realize the impact my choice made on others around me, especially Jacob. The person he needs the most is the one that put him in the position and then isn't there to help him through it. My frozen fingers shake as I bring them up to my mouth to warm them up. I decide to travel to the destination that caused this. My journey to the last place I saw was tedious and depressing. I hiked up the small path to the large terraces covered in vines. I sat on the ledge of a terrace with my legs hanging off and explored the monstrous world around me with my eyes. I heard a vehicle puttering up the mountain until a beat-up black jeep with rusty bumpers appeared. I recognize the car; it’s owner steps down from the driver door and onto the frost covered, dirt road below. The boy has a hood over his face and sunglasses on. He recovers a pen and piece of paper from his pocket and scribbles a message on the note. Soon, he removes his sunglasses and turns to face the large terraces on the escarpment above him. His icy, blue eyes draw my attention and I realize that the boy is Jacob. He breathes in the breeze coming off the ocean below. Curious, I walk over to his car and read the note; it says, “I love you, but I’m with her, -Jacob.” I glance over to him and see his eyes scanning the water. His foot pushes pebbles off the cliff and they go sailing into the cascading ocean below. They make a large splash, and I can see him calculate the plummet to the waves. His feet edge closer to the steep drop until there is no more rock to move forward on. He steps out onto the air and pauses a moment before dropping to the sea below. I drop to my knees and realize the pain that he is passing onto his mother that I once passed to him. As the water ripples over his body, the cycle of suicide hit me like a truck; you are never eliminating the pain, just passing it on to the next person until it becomes too much for them to handle, or they refuse to let it stop them from living.

Author's Note

Advice for developing the dialogue?

Reviews

[Sapientiam]

I love what you said at the end:

"You are never eliminating the pain, just passing it on to the next person".

Those are such true words. Suicide doesn't solve anything; it only creates more pain for others to endure. No one has to go through that. Your writing style flows nicely with the descriptions, like the waves below the mountain where the world seemed to sway as well. I think the dialogue is fine, plus, I'm horrible at criticism. Great job, really!

[Tony Jordan]

I liked the detail (for me that makes a good story) - the tumbling fall and the last sights - the pebbles cascading especially was a great detail.
You remind me of someone whose stories I read on here...damn name won't come to me.
Okay I'll wrap this up by saying this was interesting, well written in the main.

[Ace St. Jean]

Love the language you used, as well as your sentence structure and overall prose.