A Shot In The Dark

Dealing with the memory of abuse

Although

I've never been

Sexually assaulted

By a love one

Or a stranger.

Do know

What it feels like

To have your soul

Ripped out and raped

By an abuser.

Over a period

Spanning decades

By a member

Of my own family.

Without any consequences

For them.

Turning inwards

This raging anger

Blaming myself

For triggering

His ferocious attacks.

As if

I deserved

To be punished

For them.

Especially

After those times

I'm pushed

From behind

Down the stairs.

Before

He jumped

Upon my prone body

On the landing.

Only

To be stopped

By mom.

Even now

Thirty years later

I still curse myself

And my long term memory.

For retaining

These horrific moments

From my past.

Only needing

To close my eyes

As it plays back

In my mind eye.

Just thinking

About this part

Of my past.

Opens the floodgate

For the tears

That are falling

Now.

As shame

And guilt

Fill my soul

To overflowing.

Author's Note

Originally written, May 14, 2015.