My Wilted Rose

My Wilted Rose

A Poem by Writer_Girl
"

A Sestina about a young love growing old!

"
My  Wilted Rose


It all started of with a whisper,
"I love you" and a box of chocolate.
Shyly we watched the sunset,
And slyly snuck in a quick kiss.
My heart thumped ideas of a wedding,
And my heart sought strolls in Paris.

We dreamed of moving to Paris.
He talked in a whisper,
"Maybe after our wedding."
But that was just a dream as sweet as chocolate. 
I awoke with a kiss, 
And looked up to see a golden sunset.

My love is growing stronger, I am a caterpillar who will crawl into the sunset.
As i keep growing, I shall find myself in Paris, 
Were i will be fully grown ready for a kiss.
Suddenly i feel a tingeing, a whisper.
My cocoon melts, as if it were melted chocolate.
I am now a butterfly flying away to my wedding.

It is the day of my wedding.
It's just where I wanted it; a beach with a sunset.
The cake we ordered is his favorite, chocolate.
I see our rings, specially designed in Paris.
" I Do"  , I say in a whisper.
I know it is official when i close my eyes and feel his soft kiss.

I still look back on that kiss.
My wedding.
His whisper.
I can still see the sunset,
And i still see the same shine in my ring from Paris.
My love is still as fresh as it was back then, like a piece of fresh chocolate.

He gives me gifts, but our kids eat all the chocolate,
And they "Aww"  when they see us kiss.
We tell them stories of our honeymoon in Paris,
Or the feelings I felt at my wedding.
We take them where we once sat. Our sunset.
He tells me once again he loves me, in a whisper.

I wish I could still hear his whisper, or taste his fresh chocolate.
And, when I'm lonely, I go to our sunset and look back at our kiss.
We'll meet again at our wedding in Heaven, but until then, at heart in Paris. 

© 2012 Writer_Girl


Author's Note

Writer_Girl
Hope you like it!

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Reviews

Beautifully written.....Bravo my friend......Whisk

Posted 8 Years Ago


Writer_Girl

8 Years Ago

Thank you I'm glad you liked it :)
It all started of with a whisper,
"I love you" and a box of chocolate.
Shyly we watched the sunset,
And slyly snuck in a quick kiss.
My heart thumped [with] ideas of a wedding,
And my heart sought strolls in Paris.

I liked your introduction. It really drew me in. I would replace
The second line with an elaborate metaphor because it consists
Of two clichés. That is something you should avoid when writing
Poetry. The 3rd and 4th line seems packed with alliteration and I felt here
It was a bit distracting. The last two lines perfect!

We dreamed of moving to Paris.
He talked in a whisper,
"Maybe after our wedding."
But that was just a dream as sweet as chocolate.
I awoke with a kiss
And looked up to see a golden sunset.

I felt the whisper “Maybe after our wedding” came out of nowhere. I felt there needed to be a transition here before you reached that point. I also suggest an elaborate metaphor for dream as sweet as chocolate.


My love is growing stronger; I am a caterpillar who will crawl into the sunset.
This line is way too long in my opinion. It breaks away from the rhythm.
As I keep growing, I shall find myself in Paris,
Were I will be fully grown ready for a kiss.
Suddenly I feel a tingeing, a whisper.
My cocoon melts, as if it were melted chocolate.
I am now a butterfly flying away to my wedding.
This repetition of the same word is not flawless. At times it seems
Forced and this particular stanza does not seem to be congruent
With the rest of poem. This could be a lot worse though.n

It is the day of my wedding.
It's just where I wanted it; a beach with a sunset.
The cake we ordered is his favorite, chocolate.
I see our rings, specially designed in Paris.
" I Do" , I say in a whisper.
I know it is official when i close my eyes and feel his soft kiss.
The same thing I said before. This seems to be slowly losing
Originality.



I still look back on that kiss.
My wedding.
His whisper.
I can still see the sunset,
And i still see the same shine in my ring from Paris.
My love is still as fresh as it was back then, like a piece of fresh chocolate.
Better than the last stanza but I’ve grown tired of this. You are using the same words and expressing the same ideas repeatedly. I think it would be more creative to use the same words and express different ideas in each stanza.

He gives me gifts, but our kids eat all the chocolate,
And they "Aww" when they see us kiss.
We tell them stories of our honeymoon in Paris,
Or the feelings I felt at my wedding.
We take them where we once sat. Our sunset.
He tells me once again he loves me, in a whisper.
A transition would be much needed. This seems so abrupt.

I wish I could still hear his whisper, or taste his fresh chocolate.
And, when I'm lonely, I go to our sunset and look back at our kiss.
We'll meet again at our wedding in Heaven, but until then, at heart in Paris.
Nice conclusion but it falls flat because of the preceding parts of the poem.


Posted 8 Years Ago


Writer_Girl

8 Years Ago

The reason that i used the same words over and over again is because it is a sestina..... that is ho.. read more
This would have won my last contest.

Posted 8 Years Ago


1 of 1 people found this review constructive.

Laura Maidah

8 Years Ago

I have some open right now! Are you under 16 or at 16?
Writer_Girl

8 Years Ago

Really!! Id love to do it and yes im under sixteen.
Laura Maidah

8 Years Ago

Cool! Submit! It's the anything contest ages 16 and under. It's relatively competitive though!
Wow! When i read this i got shivers. This is the perfect love story. Amazing!!!

Posted 8 Years Ago


1 of 1 people found this review constructive.

Legolas

8 Years Ago

Yes really. Your welcome.
Writer_Girl

8 Years Ago

i am sorry ive been off for awhile my grandfather had passed away but i will be posting alot more su.. read more
Legolas

8 Years Ago

Im so sorry! yes certainly. Can you message me? I have to go to bed now so ill respond tomorrow. Nig.. read more
Family Deaths...when I read that wee blurb about yourself I was confused with these two words...after reading this poem...everything got clear...as long as I'm not mistaken to relate the person's death in this poem of yours to those mysterious words: Family Deaths.
Good job I have to say. This is beautiful and yet sad for the wilted rose reminds someone of a love that no time can erase entirely from existence...the wilted one stays in the wilted petals even when the rose has perished...and the eternity of love you tried to evoke in your last line with wedding in Heaven, but until then, at heart in Paris, is just awesome! I really enjoyed it as even in a short story I do...

I have a question though...did you choose Paris just to rhyme with kiss? Or is there any other reason for your preference for this place? Never mind my asking if it's personal.

Kudos new one! The site not the sight! :)

Posted 8 Years Ago


Writer_Girl

8 Years Ago

Thank you soo much for telling me you liked it! I really like how you found the importance of the th.. read more
Sujash I. Purna

8 Years Ago

Hmm..very good!
Writer_Girl

8 Years Ago

:)

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Added on June 22, 2012
Last Updated on June 22, 2012

Author

Writer_Girl
Writer_Girl

Brighton, CO



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