Dreamer: Version 2.0

More into suspense, a boy who wishes his curse would be gone did not consider the weight of such in his life. His dreams would tell a future he could not control.

Dreamer:

The irony of such a beautiful aurora over a cursed night made my decision hard to make, and yet, under the blue Moon, I was wishing that my gift would be taken away. Dreaming has become such a burden, a death wish for my unconsciousness is all I asked for. It is not easy carrying the curse of Premonition, allowing my dreams to become reality. Since young, the future would display through my dreams, but like all future, I had no control over it. Knowing what would happen I could only stand back and watch until I could bear no longer. Was there any way I could make my dreams Lucid? To attain control over them, to alter their conclusion, prevent disasters and help in unfortunate events? It all began one night:

*****

My first dream was of a snowball flying through the open window and knocking down a frame hanging on my wall and breaking its glass. My father got cut attempting to pick it up off the floor. Immediately on my awake, I warned my father of the event, but he did not believe such silly stories. Many thought I was just having Déjà vu but the repetition of accidents began to make them all wonder. False awakenings came later on and though the closest to reality, it felt like hitting rewind and watching the event replay over and over again. Though I already knew what would happen when the dream repeated itself, I could do nothing but accept its answer. My personal Déjà vu were my daydreams, I would always play silly tricks on my brothers and sisters, but there came a day where my parents worried about my health. I began to consult a Neurologist, Dr. Illume, an excellent doctor, he explained to me about the gift and curse that I had. Prophecies is what he called them, the ability to dream a near future. Though I already knew I had the ability, my main concern was knowing how to stop them.

-Dreamer: "Doctor, I already know what is happening, I just want to find out how to stop what is going to happen? I fear to dream of big disasters and not knowing what to do. I don't want to have the power of knowing and not preventing."

-Illume: The Doctor chuckles, "Can you ask the wind to stop blowing from its direction, or even tell the rain to drop sideways? There are things you can handle on your own, and there are others you can only witness."

I take a quick look towards his desk to see charts and graphs, but I spotted something interesting, a book with the title reading: "Principles of Philosophy"

-Dreamer: "Will that give me an answer?" I ask pointing at the book. The Doctor turns and raises his eyebrow in excitement.

-Illume: "Rene Descartes -The Doctor flips the pages of the book- if he were here today he would answer your question with just one phrase..." Illume shuts the book loudly and slowly says: "Cogito Ergo Sum"

Thinking of what dialect that could be, the Doctor stands up and leaves the room, what was he trying to say?

*****

As I got older, my dreams began to have more detail and a more prolonged time frame giving me the to attempt of intervention, I jotted them down in my black pocket journal to review later. Fewer accidents and fewer mistakes, I was beginning to understand my gift. I flipped through my journal every day and noticed something, never has a dream of myself displayed in my dreams, not until, that night. Winter was rising and that night I undid my curse. Sleeping under the aurora sheeted blue moon, I dreamt of death. It came to me sitting under an old oak tree, on a snow covered bench, and of age, reading my cursed journal. That was when it all stopped, no more dreams, no more future. Panic haunted me constantly forcing me to read my journal to stay up to date on my previous dreams, like a calendar, checking off all all that were completed. Count and re-count how many I had left until reaching my last dream. Time was still at favor and I kept my eyes peeled for any signs of my dreams. Years pass and no dreams came to my sleep, scared, my only hope was going back to Doctor Illume to search for answers.

-Dreamer: “I've stopped dreaming!” I implored.

-Illume: His eyes broadened in disbelief. “Let me see!” he rushed over to scan my brain and quickly went to retrieve the result as a loud NO echoed from across. Running back to his desk fluttering through the papers, he pulled one out. “This cannot be -he pounded the desk- your brain…” he tried to catch his breath as the air was choked by mystery. “…is dying!” he concluded.

-Dreamer: I sat up instantly. “What are you talking about doctor!?”

-Illume: “Your brain has stopped, it has stopped dreaming because it has stopped functioning!”

I was scared, chills ran down my spine and had no choice but to run from the office towards the mountain I laid on when I wished the death of my dreams. Waiting, to see if that aurora and blue moon would show up to take back my wish, but nothing happened, I then threw my journal down the hill and denied its existence, and laid there to figure out a way, to reverse my dream! Yelling at the empty sky and roaring at the wind did nothing but steal my voice and scratch the surface of my lungs. Awaiting under the Sun, come moon, rain, hail, snow or thunder I did not move, eventually, it became my home. I built one on the tip of that hill watching how my dreams came true on a television.

*****

How many dreams were left, 10, 5, 2, 1? I couldn’t bear the wait any longer, so I searched for my journal under that hill and sat on the nearest bench possible accepting the dream of death I was promised. Sitting there, a drowsiness fell upon me to entice me one final dream, my dreams recurred, flooding in images. One by one passed by my eyes until... I woke and found myself out of my body. Sleep paralysis, I witnessed other lights, other people floating on nothing and I begin to swim through the realm of Dreams abandoning my body, not dead, nor asleep, I became what I feared at first, the dream. No longer the dreamer, I was now the controller. So there sat a man, a dreamer, and I, floating and traveling through my dreams to change the outcome of each. The ability to forge a dream has been so well skilled, I visited my memories, people I knew and loved dearly, but through this whole inner reflection, I spotted a very familiar man in a white coat... Dr. Illume.

-Dreamer: “What are you doing here Doctor?”

-Illume: He smiled and laughed, “You still don't know? I am your subconscious, the culprit responsible for your dreams, but I needed you to realize that you are stronger than them. You possess the power to change, influence, and shape the future. Now you must… AWAKEN!” His hands clapped and I began to sink into my past dreams, nightmares, illusions and prophecies until reaching my very first dream, the snowball.

*****

I woke up to the exact start of my first dream, I looked over my bed and there laid my journal. Dreams Are Not Conclusions was its title. I ran down to say good morning to my father just to rush back into my room and look over to the future-less window peeking my head out embracing the never ending possibilities of life, instead of creating a barrier by closing my window, I watched closely and timed the snow ball’s coming. I look back to the glass frame on my wall, it was nothing else than a quote I was told by my father over and over again, "I Think Therefore I Am" and when the snowball was thrown by Dr. Illume, the culprit of all, I caught it in my hand. Holding the cold chunk of future, it became a sign of revolution against unknown factor, and when I threw it back through the window of a million possibilities I yelled loudly from the top of my lungs:

-Dreamer: “The future is now in my hands!” I have forged the conclusion to become…

THE DREAM

"In life, there is truly One day you can go back to and wait for in the future, Today; it all depends on how you use it." by Sir Drift & Mr. Pulse (Y.A.D.)

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© 2017 Sir Drift & Mr. Pulse

Author's Note

A more detailed version with added dialogue and featured Philosopher "Rene Descartes"

My Review

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Featured Review

JayG

• The irony of such a beautiful aurora over a cursed night made my decision hard to make, and yet, under the blue Moon, I was wishing that my gift would be taken away.

Look at this opening line as a reader who has none of the advantages you possess:
1. You know who’s speaking and what motivated this person to speak.
2. You know where this person is in time and space.
3. You know what you hope to create in the reader’s mind—intent, which does not make it to the page.

So the reader has no idea of what you mean by “beautiful aurora,” or why this person is paying attention to it. They don’t know why this person views the night as cursed. They probably don’t know what the definition of a blue moon is, or why it relates to the story. And, they don’t know what the “gift” is, why it’s not appreciated, or even if it CAN be taken away. In short, you’re talking about effect without providing cause.

My point is that the reader has no context for anything about this line, so it can have no meaning as it’s read. But it’s mentioned in the first line, so it must matter—yet it has no meaning.

Not the best way to begin a story. The prologue is 132 words long, an we’re well down on page two, but in the end, all it really says is, “Here’s where the story begins.” In the words of James H. Schmitz, “Don’t inflict the reader with irrelevant background material—get on with the story.”

• My first dream was of a snowball flying through the open window and knocking down a frame hanging on my wall, breaking its glass, as my father attempted to pick it up, he got cut.

It appears that you’re transcribing yourself speaking, and not editing it for punctuation. This is two sentences, and should be presented as such.

And, “A frame?” Not a picture frame? People hang mirrors, documents, pictures, and such, not frames.

• Immediately on my awake, I warn my father of the event, but he did not believe such silly stories.

The first line is past tense. This is present, AND past. Didn’t you edit this? Pick a tense for storytelling and stay with it.

But of more importance, you don’t tell the reader if it comes true. If not, why mention it? If so, why doesn’t the protagonist have the sense not to throw the snowball? Either way it doesn’t work.

• False awakenings, though the closest to reality, felt like hitting rewind and watching the event replay over and over again, though I already knew what would happen when the dream repeated itself I could do nothing but accept its answer.

I suspect that the greater part—the meaningful part—of this never made it to the page, because I’ll be damned if I can make sense of this. In fact, the entire rest of the posting seems to reduce to: “Since childhood, I’ve had prophetic dreams.”

If that’s the point on which the story turns the reader doesn’t care about the progression of the ability because it has nothing to do with the story. You’re presenting history and anecdotes, not story, and pretty well making up you own format for doing so.

The result of that is that for the reader it’s a course of study on a bit of the history of someone we know nothing about and haven’t been made to care about.

Several things to keep in mind:

1. Readers have specific expectations as to how a story should be told, based on what they read now. It’s possible to build on that, but not replace it.
2. None of the writing techniques we learn in our school days relates to the realities of writing fiction because we learn only nonfiction writing skills. Nonfiction’s goal is to inform, and fiction’s to entertain.
3. Story isn’t the progression of events. That’s plot. Plot, like nonfiction, is fact-based. Story is emotion-based and lives in the protagonist’s reaction to the events, in their needs and aspirations—in why they do what they do, and its intent, not the fact of doing it.

The short version: You’re focused on telling the story. That places the reader with you, hearing about events from a voice devoid of all trace of emotion, when they want to be on the scene living the story moment-by-moment, with the protagonist as an avatar. Readers want to live the story from within the moment the protagonist calls now. Only then can there be the worry and uncertainty that readers feed on. And how to do that is a learned skill.

It’s not a matter of talent, but one of process. If we’re to impress our reader with our writing we need to know what the pros know. And for that, the library’s fiction writing section is a really good resource, filled with the views of successful writers, teachers, and publishing industry people. It’s well worth the time spent, because as Mark Twain observed, “It ain’t what you don’t know that gets you into trouble. It’s what you know for sure that just ain’t so.”

Sorry my news wasn’t better.

Hang in there, and keep on writing.

Jay Greenstein
https://jaygreenstein.wordpress.com/category/the-craft-of-writing/

Posted 7 Years Ago

• The irony of such a beautiful aurora over a cursed night made my decision hard to make, and yet, under the blue Moon, I was wishing that my gift would be taken away.

Look at this opening line as a reader who has none of the advantages you possess:
1. You know who’s speaking and what motivated this person to speak.
2. You know where this person is in time and space.
3. You know what you hope to create in the reader’s mind—intent, which does not make it to the page.

So the reader has no idea of what you mean by “beautiful aurora,” or why this person is paying attention to it. They don’t know why this person views the night as cursed. They probably don’t know what the definition of a blue moon is, or why it relates to the story. And, they don’t know what the “gift” is, why it’s not appreciated, or even if it CAN be taken away. In short, you’re talking about effect without providing cause.

My point is that the reader has no context for anything about this line, so it can have no meaning as it’s read. But it’s mentioned in the first line, so it must matter—yet it has no meaning.

Not the best way to begin a story. The prologue is 132 words long, an we’re well down on page two, but in the end, all it really says is, “Here’s where the story begins.” In the words of James H. Schmitz, “Don’t inflict the reader with irrelevant background material—get on with the story.”

• My first dream was of a snowball flying through the open window and knocking down a frame hanging on my wall, breaking its glass, as my father attempted to pick it up, he got cut.

It appears that you’re transcribing yourself speaking, and not editing it for punctuation. This is two sentences, and should be presented as such.

And, “A frame?” Not a picture frame? People hang mirrors, documents, pictures, and such, not frames.

• Immediately on my awake, I warn my father of the event, but he did not believe such silly stories.

The first line is past tense. This is present, AND past. Didn’t you edit this? Pick a tense for storytelling and stay with it.

But of more importance, you don’t tell the reader if it comes true. If not, why mention it? If so, why doesn’t the protagonist have the sense not to throw the snowball? Either way it doesn’t work.

• False awakenings, though the closest to reality, felt like hitting rewind and watching the event replay over and over again, though I already knew what would happen when the dream repeated itself I could do nothing but accept its answer.

I suspect that the greater part—the meaningful part—of this never made it to the page, because I’ll be damned if I can make sense of this. In fact, the entire rest of the posting seems to reduce to: “Since childhood, I’ve had prophetic dreams.”

If that’s the point on which the story turns the reader doesn’t care about the progression of the ability because it has nothing to do with the story. You’re presenting history and anecdotes, not story, and pretty well making up you own format for doing so.

The result of that is that for the reader it’s a course of study on a bit of the history of someone we know nothing about and haven’t been made to care about.

Several things to keep in mind:

1. Readers have specific expectations as to how a story should be told, based on what they read now. It’s possible to build on that, but not replace it.
2. None of the writing techniques we learn in our school days relates to the realities of writing fiction because we learn only nonfiction writing skills. Nonfiction’s goal is to inform, and fiction’s to entertain. 
3. Story isn’t the progression of events. That’s plot. Plot, like nonfiction, is fact-based. Story is emotion-based and lives in the protagonist’s reaction to the events, in their needs and aspirations—in why they do what they do, and its intent, not the fact of doing it.

The short version: You’re focused on telling the story. That places the reader with you, hearing about events from a voice devoid of all trace of emotion, when they want to be on the scene living the story moment-by-moment, with the protagonist as an avatar. Readers want to live the story from within the moment the protagonist calls now. Only then can there be the worry and uncertainty that readers feed on. And how to do that is a learned skill.

It’s not a matter of talent, but one of process. If we’re to impress our reader with our writing we need to know what the pros know. And for that, the library’s fiction writing section is a really good resource, filled with the views of successful writers, teachers, and publishing industry people. It’s well worth the time spent, because as Mark Twain observed, “It ain’t what you don’t know that gets you into trouble. It’s what you know for sure that just ain’t so.”

Sorry my news wasn’t better.

Hang in there, and keep on writing.

Jay Greenstein
https://jaygreenstein.wordpress.com/category/the-craft-of-writing/

Rating /100

1 of 1 people found this review constructive.

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7 Years Ago

Thank you, thats exactly what I needed. I appreciate the review

7 Years Ago

My personal recommendation is to pick up a copy of Dwight Swain's, Techniques of the Selling Writer

7 Years Ago

I will surely look into that

Reviews

Ana Papaya

I think Jay G made some points that are worth considering, I have also sent you a message with some edits. I like the story. It's a great opening to something much bigger and meatier. I would like to read more. You have my interest.