Part 3

"The world cannot hate you; but it hates me for exposing the wickedness of its own"

 

Many people when asking a question, which concerns them, solemnly affirm that they want the truth "even if it hurts". They honestly think and believe what they were wanting to hear, it is possible that they will be hurt, ignore your point of view until they find one that conform to their own.

 Only those who are humble and sincere in their search for truth are great enough to profit by criticism

Learning to know myself can be a painful lesson but it is necessary for spiritual growth.

 

When you faced with your own truth it breaks every fibre of your self-esteem. How much lower can I go then what I did to Faith?

"Dr. Walker, wants you in her office." I heard the guy said. I got up from my single bed as I got on my feet. My weight suddenly dropped, my eyes grew bigger in my head. There wasn't any hope for me.

I knocked on her door as I hear the comforting voice on the other side calling come in.

I walked in as she showed me to her couch. She stayed at her desk.

"Hello Cali." She said.

"Hi." Let me tell you after the outburst with Faith it frightened me of who I've become, someone bitter and dreadful, I wrote Faith letters none was replied, I could understand her reasons.

After that day when Dr. Walker stopped by to see me I slowly started to open up to her.

"Faith called." She called.

"She sends her love and that she's praying for your recovery." She said.

"Is she coming to see me soon." I asked, I was nervous as my leg start to jump and I'm fidgeted with my hands.

"I don't know she hasn't said anything."

"Ok."

"How are you feeling today? You need to eat Cali." She said with a worried look.

"To be honest I don't feel worthy of anyone's love. I feel dead." I tell her.

"Let's talk about that. Why do you feel like that." She asks.

"I don't know who I am anymore, its like something has taken my soul and replaced it with a monster. Yeah a monster that's who I am doc, I'm unrepairable, broken, tossed aside." I tell her.

She adjusted from her chair to come to sit opposite me, looking into eyes that have no life in them.

"I think everyone deserves a second chance don't you think. I've read your novel,” Three hearts, one choice, one love" how come you can't be more truthful in your real life, without hiding behind the characters you write about." She said. I remember five years ago someone else saying those exact words to me. To stop hiding what I truly feel behind fiction characters.

"Maybe because its easier. I feel protected with having myself being guarded by fiction. Facing any kind of truth hurts." I said.

"All truth hurts, but its better then lying to your own heart. Pretending to be someone you aren't worst type of thing anyone can do. Life is made to live not hide." She said. Maybe she knows this from experience. I saw her playing with a thing on her finger.

"Are you married." I asked out the blue.

"Yes, I am.” She said.

"What if you could spare someone from heartache isn't that better than the truth."

"For how long can you do with the lie, it always comes out? Truth is never hidden." She said.

"I just wanted to be loved, that's all I wanted." I told her.

 

“Ali we can go about it any other way but I know and you know that we are meant to be, one day you going to wake up and you are going to see me there. Standing beside you. I told you about the dream of the brunette with the faceless face, but I now know she has a scar on her left foot, I remember tracing it with my finger and I kissed it, she told me it’s a scar she picked up when she was little.”

 

"Cali is that the truth. This book its you isn't it." I looked at the white wall with all her diplomas, degrees and accolades.

"Doc tell me is this what life is to you. Accomplishments. I had that once you know." I tell her my eyes still on her wall.

Then I continued quoting, " they say we leave this world just the way we came into it, naked and alone. So if we do leave with nothing, what then is the measure of a life? Does the people we choose to love define it? Or is life simply measured by our accomplishments? And what if we fail or are never truly loved? What then? Can we ever measure up? Or will the quiet desperation of a life gone wanting drive us mad?" I turn to face her eyes caught hers, both not blinking just looking, no words were said. Until...

"I think we have covered today's session. See you tomorrow Cali." She got up as I followed her to the now open door.

"Was nice talking to you doc." And off I went with a smug smile on my face. I rest my case. I said more to myself.

 

The following day was another day to face. Sometimes we afraid of what lays behind that door we never opened, the door that has been closed for so many years. We search and search for a better tomorrow, but does a better tomorrow actually exist. People rip me apart leaving me bears, to be eaten up by the leeches.

I feel like there's nothing more to dig within myself, but this pain that's physical on my body, spreading the pain all over, all those times I've been hiding from the truth from who I am. I stare the truth in its face.

Yeah you.

 That little voice telling me all the negative things that corrupts my mind making me feel like I'm not worth love, that I'm not enough for anyone. I reveal myself as I shed the armour I've been wearing for years. All the pain, the turmoil, suffering from depression even hiding that depression takes a toll on me. Having to live up to a certain standard. People read my books; they think I'm great; they have this idea of who I'm suppose to be.

 

Its like myself when I fell in love for the first time and I told this person I love you, rejected by someone who I thought felt the same as I did.

"I'm sorry its not you, its me. I think we need a break from each other." Don't you just get angry when you hear that?

 

It’s the first taste of heartbreak. What is love really if that's love I prefer not to take part in it.

There's a quote so beautifully fitted for this and I like to make reference to it because even as a writer I can't sum up what love truly means, "Love is a temporary madness. It erupts like an earthquake and then subsides. And when it subsides you have to make a decision. You have to work out whether your roots have become so entwined together that it is inconceivable that you should ever part. Because this is what love is. Love is not breathlessness, it is not excitement, and it is not the promulgation of promises of eternal passion. That is just being "in love" which any of us can convince ourselves we are. Love itself is what is left over when being in love has burned away, and this is both an art and a fortunate accident. Your mother and I had it, we had roots that grew towards each other underground, and when all the pretty blossoms had fallen from our branches we found that we were one tree and not two."

 

Love enters, grows, become explosive, end up sucking all the breath out of you.

 

"Cali I've given you enough time to sit in silence, are you going to tell me what's on your mind." She asked.

I've been sitting here for over an hour with a mind full of stuff yet she asks me what's on my mind.

 

"Doc if I could shut this mind." I point my finger to my head.

"That's why you here to unpack the load. How you feeling today."

 

"Not better than yesterday, can you give me a higher dosage in my meds please. Because I find it difficult to fall asleep at night." I said. She jots something down on her pad. I think I like her just the way she sits there her glasses perched up and her writing pad at hand, her legs cross each other. I've only seen her once in a skirt other times she's dressed in her slacks and blouse. She's beautiful I admire her she reminds me of someone I once knew. The mannerism, soft voice like a whisper, she's by far the most attracted therapist I've had since ever.

 

"I'll let the night staff know." She says.

"Thanks doc."

"Is there anything else on your mind you want to discuss."

"Yes." I said.

"Is it possible if I can get a laptop or writing pad and pen." I asked.

She studies me carefully then continued.

"I can see what I can do about the laptop, but you probably know that I can't give you anything sharp." I nodded. Yes I know after the second attempt of trying to cut myself I wasn't entrusted with anything sharp, food was eaten with a spoon and I was watched all the time, which drove me insane, but I knew the staff is only doing there job.

 

"I understand, but it would be a great help to unpack all this in here." I said.

 

26 April 2011

 

"Cast thy burden upon the Lord, and He shall sustain thee, He shall never suffer the righteous to be moved"

 

Many a smiling face hides an aching heart, for not everyone carries their heart upon their sleeve for the world to see.

On numerous occasions I have been asked the conventional question, "How are you?" And my reply would always be, "Fine thanks", but as the conversation continues the heart-piercing story of a wayward child, a tottering marriage, a struggling business or some worry, fear or disappointment is shared.

When life demands that you carry a load, which cannot be shared, it is invaluable to have a confidant, someone whom you know and trust. Such a person may be a complete stranger, but with the aid of such a person you realize the truth of the old adage that a trouble shared is a trouble halved.

Yet often the burden is of such a nature that you cannot share it with man or woman.

At such times there is always God, with His divine heart of understanding and rich forgiveness, waiting to share the deep things of your life with you.

Why did I not make use of His willingness to share my life with? It can change your life when the burden is lifted from your heart.

 

"You starting to feel more at ease to talk with God." She says.

"Not that I'd take your job away from you, there's just things I can't share in here, but in private. Thanks for the laptop its much easier now to just write."

"I'm glad to be off help, Cali."

 

Something was changing with me, either its because I'm starting to gain weight, and sleep comes easier.

"Today is a nice day, its only 7am and your session is done, and you can take this time to get some fresh air." She says as she moves away from the big sliding door as I could see her beauty just by the early morning ray of sunshine hitting over her blonde hair, making a crown.

"Do you want to join me for a cup of tea, Dr. Walker." She turns to me smiling.

"That is perfect." A smile I knew place upon my lips.

"You should do more of that, its sure is beautiful." I know she's married, but it doesn't forbid one woman to the other complementing each other does it.