Ring of Saturn (Prose Form)

Let me tell you about a girl I like.
It seems she's near, but really she's far.
One day on the road, behind her in a car,
I caught a strand of her
glowing hair.

I twirled it with my fingers, lost in thought.
To some it would be worthless, something to
throw away.

To me it was a grand gift, like a steaming meal
to a starving child. I eyed it like something to
cherish forever.

I thought: Will my fingers ever caress her
As they do this unintended present?
She is like a planet; Saturn, seen by a telescope
a great distance away.

An astronomer sees it in his eye
But it lies far far away. I hold this hair,
but it's source rests miles, solar systems, galaxies away
from my trembling hand.

Men have only reached as far as the moon;
Can one timid man put Saturn's ring on his finger?
I wonder as I watch her; my Saturn, with hair like
golden rings

Surrounded by nebula paintings in space's gallery,
splashes of green, red and blue. Beauty in perfection.
I still wonder... and hope.

Reviews

[Fade]

This is very nicely done. I liked the idea of the woman seeming so unattainable, that she may as well be a distant planet. Loved the line "Can one timid man put Saturn's ring on his finger?"

One small thought: you may want to tweak the word "car" in the first stanza. It rhymes with "far" and makes it seem that the poem may rhyme all the way through. I think your flow is very strong, and this throws off the rhythm just a bit. (A nit, I know.)

Really good work.

[James Conrad]

Very good imagery. You did a fantastic job of portraying the sense of shyness one gets in the presence of someone they are attracted to.

[Terrell A. Pullen]

That was hot!!!!

you painted a very nice picture with this poem. We all have been there til we figure out that shes not as far away as you may think. I wish I had your e-mail address theres a fella by the name of Lupe Fiasco who wrote a song about this situation called "And he gets the girl" sometimes all we have to do is just go up to her and say Hi LoL

Good work

[Callie Bookman]

Oh, I like this metaphor. Very nice. Quite well written too. I felt a few times like a single thought was broken up by either a line break or a period, but only once or twice, and it still worked how it was almost as well. Very nice!

[From-the-shadows]

Well done. As I have told The shadow fire poet My poetry is simply a channel through which i can express my thoughts and emotions and I think that is what you did here keep it up.

[Krystal Waters]

Really nice and great imagry. Thought provoking, with love and emotion. Great way of saying what you wanted to with poetic style! Way cool... Like James Brown sang I got the feeling, baby, baby, baby, I got the feeling! lol



Krystal

[Benjamin Ty Mccool]

Great work of Prose. I know the feeling implanted within well.

[Maria G.]

Great poem of wishful thinking, i liked how you compared the woman to saturn, some great lines and imagery. thankyou for sharing.

[Aaron]

Looks to me like you have a choice... both forms work wonderfully. Honestly, I'd keep both in my back pocket. If you ever decide to submit this piece to a publication, you can choose the form that best fits their format.

Great revision!!

peace
aaron

[Gordon Greene]

A wise man once said "if you put blond hair on a rat's but a man would chase it".
I think more whiplash is caused by blond hair than car wrecks annually.

All that aside... the longing and appreciation for the subjects beauty is well conveyed to the reader.
It brings to mind a convertible on a summer day.

Well written!
g.g.