Heart of Stone

First I'll make some specific comments, then at the end, more general.
1)" rude Grecian statues" -- I'm not sure that the right word is rude; it might serve your purposes to use "nuddy" as you did later in the first section. Of course I've not read the whole story so I don't know whether that would work or not. Nevertheless, I think "rude" isn't accurate, at least not in the usage I know for "rude," but that may be both a generational and regional difference.

2) "The statue seemed to peer over her shoulder in interest." No need to say "in interest." That's implied by the description that the statue seemed to be peering over her shoulder.

3) You're doing a good job of setting the scene -- maybe include a little about the play of the morning light creating a syncopated pattern of glistening marble and shadows. I remember arising early in an Athens hotel and awed by the brilliance of the light.
4) "His skin was brown and muscular." -- adjust - skin isn't muscular
5) "boardies" - showing my age, but I don't know what these are and I bet some other readers might not either
6) "to sink inconspicuously into the wallpaper" - two problems with this. First, it's a cliché and then I doubt that the hallway of a grand hotel (as you describe in section 1) would have wallpaper. Even if you were in one and it did, I think it would improve this without the cliché.
7) Section 2 when Laura arrives -- good scene. It needs to be cleaned up a bit with some typos and attention to apostrophes, how to set out quotes, etc., but you can do that -- I brush up on those things on line because I can never remember the rules -- and you'll see in my writing that I still haven't perfected them! Also, the section seems to be basically one long paragraph. It helps the reader to have much shorter paragraphs.
8)"Laura grinned cheekily and Rocky blushed softly." -- better to use a change of color in his face so the reader sees this or some other gesture indicating that he was embarrassed.
9) I think you missed what could be a hilarious scene by not showing the father's/mother's reaction when I guy wrapped in a beach towel arrives at their hotel door and asks for clothes. As is, it's a little implausible to think that he was so easily given Amber's father's clothes.
10) "Soon with their tummies full of pizza " -- I suppose there's plenty of pizza in Greece; I didn't look for that when I was there because I love Greek food. However, for the purposes of the story, since the setting is in Greece, maybe you might use some Greek food that most readers would know -- like gyros or something of the sort.
11) " even staying on the footpath" -- unless you establish that you're in a remote area, the reader assumes that since you're in a hotel large enough to boast lifesize statues that you're also in at least a large town where there would be sidewalks. Maybe to avoid that, you might say that he didn't even know the basics of crossing the street (and that's more universal).
This is a fun and very creative story -- does Seventeen magazine still have short story contests? You might try to complete your editing and send it in to that or some other contests for young writers. You do a great job with advancing the story through dialog. I'm not sure that the "epilogue" adds to the story and perhaps takes some of the impact out of the punch line. See what others have to say. I hope you keep writing. You have loads of talent.

Posted 8 Years Ago

Oh goodie. Hmm, hold on a sec...Phone on silent, check....choccie biccies at hand, check....deaf mode on, check. Good, let's begin then :-)

Posted 8 Years Ago

This story is awesome! So sweet and lovely, and very funny! The word choice was awesome and I enjoyed the playful nature of the story. Well done!

Posted 8 Years Ago

First I'll make some specific comments, then at the end, more general.
1)" rude Grecian statues" -- I'm not sure that the right word is rude; it might serve your purposes to use "nuddy" as you did later in the first section. Of course I've not read the whole story so I don't know whether that would work or not. Nevertheless, I think "rude" isn't accurate, at least not in the usage I know for "rude," but that may be both a generational and regional difference.

2) "The statue seemed to peer over her shoulder in interest." No need to say "in interest." That's implied by the description that the statue seemed to be peering over her shoulder.

3) You're doing a good job of setting the scene -- maybe include a little about the play of the morning light creating a syncopated pattern of glistening marble and shadows. I remember arising early in an Athens hotel and awed by the brilliance of the light.
4) "His skin was brown and muscular." -- adjust - skin isn't muscular
5) "boardies" - showing my age, but I don't know what these are and I bet some other readers might not either
6) "to sink inconspicuously into the wallpaper" - two problems with this. First, it's a cliché and then I doubt that the hallway of a grand hotel (as you describe in section 1) would have wallpaper. Even if you were in one and it did, I think it would improve this without the cliché.
7) Section 2 when Laura arrives -- good scene. It needs to be cleaned up a bit with some typos and attention to apostrophes, how to set out quotes, etc., but you can do that -- I brush up on those things on line because I can never remember the rules -- and you'll see in my writing that I still haven't perfected them! Also, the section seems to be basically one long paragraph. It helps the reader to have much shorter paragraphs.
8)"Laura grinned cheekily and Rocky blushed softly." -- better to use a change of color in his face so the reader sees this or some other gesture indicating that he was embarrassed.
9) I think you missed what could be a hilarious scene by not showing the father's/mother's reaction when I guy wrapped in a beach towel arrives at their hotel door and asks for clothes. As is, it's a little implausible to think that he was so easily given Amber's father's clothes.
10) "Soon with their tummies full of pizza " -- I suppose there's plenty of pizza in Greece; I didn't look for that when I was there because I love Greek food. However, for the purposes of the story, since the setting is in Greece, maybe you might use some Greek food that most readers would know -- like gyros or something of the sort.
11) " even staying on the footpath" -- unless you establish that you're in a remote area, the reader assumes that since you're in a hotel large enough to boast lifesize statues that you're also in at least a large town where there would be sidewalks. Maybe to avoid that, you might say that he didn't even know the basics of crossing the street (and that's more universal).
This is a fun and very creative story -- does Seventeen magazine still have short story contests? You might try to complete your editing and send it in to that or some other contests for young writers. You do a great job with advancing the story through dialog. I'm not sure that the "epilogue" adds to the story and perhaps takes some of the impact out of the punch line. See what others have to say. I hope you keep writing. You have loads of talent.

Posted 8 Years Ago