Water,Fire,Earth

Water,Fire,Earth

A Story by Laconic Meraki

Like a fire warden, I attempted to extinguished the red-hot thundering flames that hungered to transform you into ashes.
As I ceased the last embers with a douse of water, thick-black smoke arouse and harshly scorched my throat.
To save you- I was willing to burn.

Like a life gaurd, I rescued you from going under murky raging waters. As I tried to pull your head up ,my lungs nearly disregarded it's need to inhale oxygyn.
To save you- I nearly forgot how to breath.

Lastly..

Like a tree surgeon, I'll admire the vivid colors of your autumn leaves as you
change like the season.
Long after my soul departs from my body,  still standing -you will be.
Decades from now,
your branches will become brittle but the seeds planted ensure you will never fade away.

As for now you are thriving,evergreen.
I must do say.
Long-live the roots, branches and leaves beautiful beloved "family tree".













© 2020 Laconic Meraki


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Featured Review

Hello dear Laconic. We are like a forest. We need sameness and the caress of the kindness of the rain.
"Like a tree surgeon, I'll admire the vivid colors of your autumn leaves as you
change like the season.
Long after my soul departs from my body, still standing -you will be.
Decades from now,
your branches will become brittle but the seeds planted ensure you will never fade away."
I loved the above lines. Could stand alone. Thank you for sharing the powerful story and your thoughts.
Coyote

Posted 1 Month Ago


1 of 1 people found this review constructive.

Laconic Meraki

1 Month Ago

Thanks, Coyote.....
Coyote Poetry

3 Weeks Ago

You are welcome Laconic.



Reviews

Hello dear Laconic. We are like a forest. We need sameness and the caress of the kindness of the rain.
"Like a tree surgeon, I'll admire the vivid colors of your autumn leaves as you
change like the season.
Long after my soul departs from my body, still standing -you will be.
Decades from now,
your branches will become brittle but the seeds planted ensure you will never fade away."
I loved the above lines. Could stand alone. Thank you for sharing the powerful story and your thoughts.
Coyote

Posted 1 Month Ago


1 of 1 people found this review constructive.

Laconic Meraki

1 Month Ago

Thanks, Coyote.....
Coyote Poetry

3 Weeks Ago

You are welcome Laconic.
Profound sentiment. I like it that I don't need a dictionary when I read your work. Keep expressing!

Posted 7 Months Ago


Laconic Meraki

1 Month Ago

Thank you very much.
"To save you- I was willing to burn."

I love this line. Attribute it to the masochist in me but the thought of sacrifice to achieve something greater has always had an allure for me.

Posted 11 Months Ago


1 of 1 people found this review constructive.

A savior of nature, especially the tree which can burn to the ground, simmer or simply get flooded by earth’s raging waters; The tree will be there long after we pass away, even if we age, your seed will re- grow and withstand all the elements. The fireman, lifeguards are guardians of our elements.

Posted 11 Months Ago


1 of 1 people found this review constructive.

I love how in this succession series: water, fire, earth, the air is absent, but not quite. Since air is indispensable for life, it's interesting to picture the human being as the element that works hard to sustain it.
Great job!

Posted 1 Year Ago


1 of 1 people found this review constructive.

I love the metaphors you used in this and how descriptive you were in describing what was going on. I could visualize it.

Posted 1 Year Ago


1 of 1 people found this review constructive.

I'm the type of person who doesn't sacrifice myself easily, but I believe there are lots of people who can & do sacrifice themselves for another, be it a child or lover or friend. I love the powerful & passionate way this is expressed in your poem. I felt some bumps, tho. The analogy "like a fire warden" works becuz it's followed by a fire-fighting situation. "Like a life guard" works becuz it's followed by a water-rescue. But "like a tree surgeon" (to me) does NOT work becuz what follows has nothing to do with cutting out rot & disease. My other problem with all three analogies -- they sound too modern & "in this world" whereas the rest of your poem feels ageless & ethereal. I could see an analogy taken from mythology, maybe Zeus or Hercules or Hades. THAT kind of a comparison would be more in keeping with the majestic flaming way tones thru-out your message. Overall, most people may overlook this & I'm known for being picky. So disregard if you want, becuz it's an intriguing little ditty just the way it is (((HUGS))) Fondly, Margie

Posted 1 Year Ago


1 of 1 people found this review constructive.

Laconic Meraki

1 Year Ago

Thank you for taking the time to read.
I absolutely do see what you mean by that.
I mi.. read more
Love this metaphorical piece LM as it helps us to understand our need to preserve our heritage. The dedication and desperation of the protagonist is nicely conveyed.

Couple of typos etc:
a) Line 2 "arose" not "arouse"
b) Penultimate line "I must do say" is simply "I must say"

Posted 1 Year Ago


1 of 1 people found this review constructive.

Laconic Meraki

1 Year Ago

Thanks. John..
It was a spur of the moment thing.
I appreciate you reading and correc.. read more
Well, you did ask…

• Like a fire warden, I attempted to extinguished the red-hot thundering flames that hungered to transform you into ashes.

First, the fire warden’s job is NOT to extinguish flames. It’s to help support the ongoing management of fire safety, by contributing to the safety of people in the event of a fire evacuation. They work for the companies, not the fire department. Always check things like that, or they'll bite you.

And of course, this unknown person didn’t try to extinguish any flames on me. But since they're directly addressing someone they did interact with, apparently I've gotten mail meant for someone else. Not your intent, of course, but the reader has no access to your intent, only what the words suggest, based on their background, not yours. When you read, you know the purpose of the poem, your intend for how to take the words, and, what led this unknown person to speak.

So...this might be really meaningful to the one it’s written to—whoever they are. But you provide no context to make it meaningful to the reader. And that’s critical. Without context they're just meaningless words, placed for unknown purpose. And in writing, context is EVERYTHING.

The reader isn’t seeking pretty but meaningless language. They’re not seeking to read notes to people they don’t know. They don’t care that someone they know nothing about is upset with someone not introduced, for unknown reasons. They don’t care how YOU feel, they want you to make THEM feel. They want you entertain them by by giving THEM an emotional, not an informational experience.

Think about yourself. If you’re reading a horror story, do you want to be told that the protagonist feels terror? Or do you want the writing to terrorize YOU? Do you want the author to make you know, or feel?

Look at your poetry. Virtually all of it is you talking to someone we know nothing about, praising, complaining, and discussing things we know nothing about. Meaningful to you, but only to you.

So focus on making the reader care instead of know. Invite them in, don’t talk to them. Every spot where you’re talking TO the reader is a place where it’s either a private letter made public or a lecture. But that’s a nonfiction approach: explaining and reporting. It’s fact-based and author-centric. At all times, you’re talking to someone in a voice the reader can’t hear or duplicate. But poetry and fiction are emotion-based and character-centric, a way of writing not even discussed as existing in your school days. There, they focused on making you valuable to employers by teaching you how to write reports and essays, a skill useless for fiction or poetry.

Try a read of, The Cremation of Sam Mcgee. It’s a fun poem, written over 100 years ago. It made a ton of money for Robert Service, and will show you how the writing can draw the reader in, while prosody gets you pounding the table and performing as you read, rather then just saying, “uh-huh.” And, it's got a cute ending. You still hear it performed at scour campfires.
https://www.shmoop.com/cremation-sam-mcgee/poem-text.html

Then turn the pages to read the analysis of what he did to make it work.

Then take a read of the excerpt, on Amazon, of Stephen Fry’s, The Ode Less Traveled. It’s focused on structured poetry, but what he has to say about the flow of words, and how the reader perceives them, is useful for poet and prose writer, alike.

E. L. Doctorow was talking about fiction when he said this, but his words also apply to poetry: “Good writing is supposed to evoke sensation in the reader. Not the fact that it’s raining, but the feeling of being rained upon.”

Hang in there, and keep on writing.

https://jaygreenstein.wordpress.com/category/the-craft-of-writing/the-grumpy-old-writing-coach/

Posted 1 Year Ago


1 of 1 people found this review constructive.

This reads like a story of love and sacrifice. You talk of everything you are willing to do for this person, for your child. You are willing to brave the unforgiving flames. You have succeeded in defeating the flames but your battle is not yet over. There is now the thick smoke to contend with. The reminder of the fire that you met and vanquished.
Now you are saving this child from the water. Are these just circumstances or is this child constantly getting into trouble and needing to be rescued? Are you tired not only from the efforts but also from the constant need to know where this child is and what they're doing. Does the constant, "Where are they now?" add to the stress that's already there from having to go into harm's way and save them?
Are you proud of this child or are you telling of your hopes and dreams for them? For this legacy who will carry on the stories and traditions of your family? I read that you are acknowledging they will grow old at some point but the foundation that has been laid by you and previous generations is a strong one. You hope this child will do for their future what you have done for yours. Will this younger generation learn the lessons you have learned and imparted? We certainly hope so. Long live those roots!

Posted 1 Year Ago


1 of 1 people found this review constructive.


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Added on September 3, 2020
Last Updated on September 3, 2020

Author

Laconic Meraki
Laconic Meraki

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