Chapter One

Chapter One

     I wonder if this is all a dream.  It can’t be real. Nothing this horrible can be real.  I opened my eyes.  As the world came into focus I again was thrust into a realm of intolerance and stupidity.  At times I wonder if there is any meaning to existence.  Then again I might just be blowing wind out my a*s.

     The atrocious character that is humanity truly never concludes to astound me at times.  I know the psyche is an enigma we pursue to identify and perhaps manipulate, but we have only begun to tour its labyrinth and find passageways that lead to its riddles.  One person's irrationality is another person's redemption which seems illogical yet credible considering our cosmic variances in conviction and policies. 

     Lying across the bed I grimaced.  A pale patch of sunshine highlighted the pulled blind.   I sighed as it gently rocked in the current of the oscillating fan.  The closed window behind it might bring in a natural breeze, but also the noise of city life and that is something I detest since most of it is filled with vehicle exhaust and sirens.

     People often fail in this life.  Dreams are sometimes never achieved.  Maybe people set their sights too high and therefore have no way of actually reaching for what they cannot see.  I sometimes sit and stare at my walls thinking this and then some while wandering further down the road of nowhere.  Then I clenched my butt cheeks together and expel demons in flatulence form and it all drives back these thoughts.

     Then this sprung into being: do vampires drink menstrual blood?  I can’t imagine it’d be the same as ordinary blood, but then again I am not a vampire, am I?  Believe it or not it was a question I actually asked myself from time to time because I admit to having a mind of chaos and confusion.  In fact I forgot what the hell my point was.

     Propping myself up on my elbows the laptop was level with my gaze and for a moment I considered it.  Oddly its screen and keyboard betrayed me from time to time with its hypnotic wonders and addicting textures.  Of course I’d be lying if I said anything else and yet at the same time I hated it or maybe it was the link to a world wide web filled with predators and a*s hats.  Of course the real world wasn’t much different.  It makes me throw up in my mouth and believe the taste is better than anything those people can spit up.

     On a side note have you ever had an itchy butthole and when you farted it scratched on its way out?  It is one of the best feelings in the world.  That then brings me to the queef which might as well be the mystery to the galaxy.  If I ponder its secrets for too long I may be able to concoct a diabolical scheme to harness its power.  And what a power it is to blow toxic air from your poochie.  I’d use another term, but people are way too sensitive these days and before you know it what are reading will be no more; a NOT FOUND nightmare.

     Now here is where this gets hairy and no, I am not referring to pubic hair here.  You see according to medical journals, very prodigious examinations penned by elite authors in the field, a queef is a fart from the poochie hole during or after vigorous sex, but I have to disagree.  Having experienced queefing myself it can occur without sexual activity. 

     Sitting up, the room swayed in a unique fashion that left my head dazed.  Perhaps I failed to acknowledge my basic needs or maybe I needed to visit the toilet and deliver a massive s**t into its porcelain throne.  The possibilities were endless since I frequent delicacies that tantalize my taste buds yet disagree with my innards.  Regardless something awful was brewing as noises rose from my belly and contorted my slender frame.  It was almost like a scene from Aliens when the monster was ripping through the man’s chest only what was about to exit me was likely worse.

     At last my feet touched the floor and for a moment its cool, smooth surface caused my toes to curl.  It was overshadowed though by the urgent need to survey the portable refrigeration unit stowed away in the corner.  Even if it was merely a jump away my frayed nerves perceived it as much longer.  The only thing that could settle them now was a slice of Supreme pizza and a diet Dr. Pepper, caffeine free of course.

     A sudden gust of terrifying wind rushed over me.  Succumbing to its heinous odor I coughed as my knees buckled.  Only through a blurred haze could I make out a figure looming over me, its eyes wide with sinister delight, and then as I worked the toxin from my system I regained my balance.  Slowly but surely the culprit grinned a grin that would be far too impossible for any mortal man.  I took a step back and spit, acknowledging my brother in kind with a massive eruption of anal breeze.

     “That was totally disgusting,” I said, resuming my trek toward the white marvel of edible goods.  Its gleaming exterior never appeared more handsome.  “I was about to eat, man.”

     “Eating is for humans,” it replied with a sharp click of its forked tongue.