A Dream Creation

First Love's Journey: Sent a message to Moderator; have no idea what the capped letters are in blue, so sorry...maybe my explorer settings? I'm computer clueless, please for me.

A Dream Creation….

 

Throughout vineyards we walk hand in hand

Green fertile meadows wet with dewdrops stand

Our bare-feet applaud with a ringlet of chills

Encompassing a wonderland beacon passions thrill

Like a miracle offering a soft calming breeze blows

Winds sprinkling fresh red courage upon our abode

As charity grows inside our hearts placid paced places

Dreams of fantasy laced and tied by God’s graces

 

Fruits abundant fill our rising hunger; curious desires from Gods’ wonders

Like a kaleidoscope turning the moonlight, clematis lavender and milky white

Jeweled with electric light fuchsia opening exuding sweet fragrance into our night

We rush over the splendor of supple lands giving us pleasure yearned for at last  

 

The valley rolls out anticipation;  questions and dreams of the past revel in our creation

Tickle soft skin like raindrops in the desert, thirsting we drank it all in

Never questioning whence it came, just joy and elation compelling us away

 

Our eyes locked under the canopy of a million gleaming stars,

Watching our every move, they twinkled with excitement as our new love bloomed.

His eyes said he would reach beyond the universe and retrieve the brightest star

But he touched my face and said you are more beautiful by far

He said he had waited forever for this moment to arrive

And he kissed me so gently in our pleasure’s paradise…..

 

 

  

Author's Note

Please provide me with any suggestions: this is very challenging to me; so many people here do it so well, but I tried. I know it is clique. I think I'll skip this genre for a LONG while. Thank you so much.

Reviews

[Devons]

An interestingly unpredictable/inconstant rhyme scheme is employed here (or perhaps it is merely how the words naturally evolved on the page), but the wording, imagery and descriptive language eclipses the whole with intelligence and imagination.
The landscape and atmosphere evoked in the poem is indeed dream-like, and in fact at times almost seems -not surreal- but somehow cosmic, in a sense, like another world. And that is what the concept, ideal and idea of love is capable of conjuring by feeling - since feelings are unseeable and therefore can only be represented by words or pictures. I think the subtle other-world imagery creates a dream-scape only a little removed from the real, yet just enough to be fantasy, and that fits the world of dreams and love exactly.
It's interesting that the poem builds into love, rather than using the theme as its basis - that presents a kind of question and answer balance with the piece as a whole. ie. love is a kind of dream, a kind of fantasy, in which life is perfect and a perfect place for love. Also, the slight sense of the unreal and impossible creates a kind of parallel to love as an ideal: it is what what we dream of and how we interpret it, but it is not how it really is, ultimately...
The use of language here flourishes and paints with artistic imagination.

NB there are places where -within lines- perhaps there ought to be commas inserted in order to deliver the meaning with more complete effectiveness.

PS What do you mean by "I know it is clique"? Are you talking about the poem style or content or theme?

[Confuser]

I am blown away - what an analytical and intelligent mind. You made me think, feel and gave me so much wisdom. Writing love poems are so difficult to me. I always write quickly. Thank you so very much Devons!

[Devons]

Love poems are not the best subject, I find. There's not much to say about the subject when you really think about it. There has to be a little more. You got that here.

[Confuser]

________________________________Thanks Again_______________________(liked your poem much better!

[Devons]

Aw shucks. Flattery will get you everywhere.

[Confuser]

Told my husband about your poem....he'll love it...and it sells!

[Devons]

Well, that's sex... always good for a price...

[Confuser]

LOL................you got that right!!!!

[Neville]

Hey, just check out all your reviews my fine literary friend 20 and counting, this alone say's something about your writing. I have never had so many.... This was a delight to read..........N

[Confuser]

People here are so very nice & encouraging to me Neville. I don't know how long you've been here, but read their work, encourage and it will get better. I can say for certain, my poetry has nothing on yours. You are talented!!! Fact and don't forget it.

[Robert Vicens]

I like to see colors, to smell and to hear. Good writing stimulates the senses and your writing has places where the words are very sensory. Such as in your opening, "Throughout vineyards we walk hand in hand, green fertile meadows wet with dewdrops stand."

When you showed me something, I felt like it worked.

As for many of your metaphors, I didn't feel they were fresh. You can do more next time. Let yourself go crazy and compare things that are unusual to compare. Make the stars the winking eyes of the freckle constellations on your lover's back.

Make the soil red and fertile (instead of "red courage") and have a sapling grow on the spot where our bodies made impressions upon the earth, as we watched the sunrise from the crest of the hill at the edge of the vineyard.

You can use words well, the poem shows it. Now use words to paint pictures and your writing will soar. Let me see what you feel, and don't tell me.

[Confuser]

This is the best review I've ever received!!! Robert thank you so very much, your examples are phenomenal: unrelated, but tell me how stupid does this sound: translucent decodence like hugs from ripe strawberries swirling on our tongues, dancing whipcream made from a churn?

[Robert Vicens]

If you get to the end of this, please write back. If you don't, I'll assume it bored you or upset you.

I think the fact that you started with "how stupid does this sound" was really a request for me to affirm what you already knew.

Lines such as "translucent decodence like hugs from ripe strawberries swirling on our tongues, dancing whipcream made from a churn?" is what I might call experimentation. You're playing with words. And you're testing the waters to see how you can put words together.

This is my opinion, taken from years of getting the same message from all the writers I admire -- I've read Hemingway, Stephen King, Virginia Woolf, Stephen Crane, Robert Frost", and others... and each when talking about writing (or you can see it in their writing), will relate the same message I will share with you.

Make this your rule of thumb: Simple is better. Secondly, measure your writing by the question, "what does this mean, literally?" Only when we can see, hear, smell, taste, touch something, can we possibly begin to relate with that sensory experience in a metaphorical way.

So, question: what does "translucent decadence" mean literally?

If I say that translucent decadence crossed the street and slapped you in the face, what would you see? What actually slapped you in the face?

Did a pissed off girlfriend break up with you by slapping you in the face with a strawberry cheesecake covered in chocolate mousse, deep fried and glazed with butterscotch and a cherry on top? And what if the strange event happened on the curb under the street light on Valentine's Day.

If that were the case, then it wouldn't be far-fetched to say that you were illuminated by a translucent decadence on love's special day.

I'm being tongue in cheek here. You knew when you gave me the line that there was something about it that made you uncomfortable. Learn to trust that voice. Good writing makes you feel unrestricted. It makes you feel as if you showed exactly what you wanted to show. Also, good writing is very rarely ambiguous.

Don't trust poets that say that their work is abstract. If you can't show me a leaf on a tree, a pencil in a sharpener, a cloud in the sky that looks like a penis, don't bother to tell me that "the sensuous lines of the iridescent pleasantry combusted upon the little rage with an exclamation of love."

Can you tell me what the hell that means? :)

Eventually you'll get sick of your own self indulgence (self indulgence = knowing it doesn't work and keeping it anyway).

I got a lot of self indulgence beat out of me when I read a 3 page poem to a girl on a first date about some conversations we'd had when we met. I thought it would be romantic. However, it was filled with nonsense (I couldn't understand it for the life of me even when I wrote it); I justified it as abstract and read it anyway. Big mistake. Oh, and she sat there for the whole grueling 12-15 minutes of it.

You can do it. Keep up the writing. Don't stop. In fact, write more. And more. And more.

[Confuser]

Robert: Fantastic guidance and insights...I'm going to mull it over...you're smart..I'm a novice that needs guidance: Know I ABSOLUTELY THE STRANGE EVENT HAPPENED ...VALENTINES DAY...Seriously, I was wrote here, If I wanted applause I would have joined the circus. You are so helpful and I will not forget it.....I appreciate it so much. I'm going to see If I can copy/paste/print put it in 40 font, and then hopefully I'll remember. Thank you so much!!! Dale

[Robert Vicens]

I posted the advice on my page as a new writing. Check it out. You can use it as a reference from there if you need.

[Confuser]

I will Robert, just copied it....got to go now, but I'll be reading your work soon enough. That's very kind of you! Thanks again...Dale

[jacob erin-cilberto]

this poem says much as far as where the real riches are...abundance that is important is that of love...being filled with its pleasure..i really like the heart of your words...if i had one contention it would be the font...i would keep it all in black, the words you put in blue to stand out...will stand out enough on their own.

[Confuser]

I have no freaking idea what that is...maybe something on explorer settings...I certainly did do that on purpose: Emily provided a link to moderator, to ask what's going on...haven't hear back...thank you...

[jacob erin-cilberto]

wow that is weird, doing it on its own? not really surprised...the site has any glitches...

[Confuser]

Sorry Richard, Emily sent link to moderator....maybe on my side...I'm clueless, I know it shows me & other readers where ads are, I think???? Thanks so much for reading....especially after I read your amazing work.

[jacob erin-cilberto]

was this meant for Richard Beevor? or me? Dale?

[Benita-Staebell M - Kin..]

Simply beautiful.

Thank you for sharing.

God bless. Benita

[Riversong]

What's with the caps hyperlinks?

[Confuser]

Riversong: What do you mean? I didn't add a link....Caps....Grammar? Thanks, please let me know. Dale

[Riversong]

Perhaps it's just marketing. Its in blue CAPS, underlined, and leads to nowhere, right next to a green arrow box. I dunno; my brother sees it too and doesn't know why it's there.

[Confuser]

Thanks Riversong: I thought it was marketing prompts: Thought maybe my explorer settings showed them; I'm sorry; I've asked someone for help removing them...I didn't know anyone else could see them: Thanks...looks pretty dumb in the poem. Thank you...Dale

[Briana O'Connor]

I think it's absolutely beautiful. The sweet elegance portrayed within the journey of one's first love pours from the page into the heart. Your adjectives bring forth delicate and graceful light to the subject of love. Nicely penned.

[~]

I really liked the journey through this world, rich and lush are the descriptions which make everything so captivating and inviting. lovely write!! :D

[Workvio]

Man O' man, I love the way the piece flows, and the imagery interlaced within each line ... I could lay it on thicker and juicer with all kinds of fancy words to take up space, but it seems easier to just say that I have always enjoyed poems that speak and ooze romance, for without romance none of us would be here ... Beautifully done ...

[MsJewel]

Dale, this is beautiful...soft, romantic with a lovely graceful flow. The last verse is my favorite...who doesn't love a million gleaming stars! Don't you dare skip this genre - your poem is stunning.

Julie