Before Metaphors

Before the metaphors and metal forged I sat ignored and lonesome

 alone and broken...

 Groanin' in an ocean of token defeat

 rote motions

 dead-feet

 my feats retreat...

 Bleeding dreams and fleeced sheep

 eaten lacking wheat

 a sheath for elite-meat-treats and bleep-heaps...

 Driven deeper-steeper

 hear her cry when satellites fly...

 I sit outside and mind my own business...

 But in this bees nest I'm best before checks in reality

 I'm a liability for the masks of sentimental sentinels brandishing fundamental finality on the mantle of rivalry...

Sodden grease and I follow-she

 all ah-me

 and I'm falling-free... 

Solemn freeze

 and I'm free-falling asleep... 

Reviews

[emmajoygreen]

You certainly shuffle your thoughts, sir.. and yet, somehow in shuffling, create a cascade of liquid gold. I hesitate to read back and back to when first written, and will sit still to keep my own promise but feel that there will be many different observation about the meaning of this or that. Your meter had me reading louder and louder til I'm tempted to say, the walls rocked but.. Obviously the words are laid at someone else's feet,

' I sit outside and mind my own business...
But in this bees nest I'm best before checks in reality
I'm a liability for the masks of sentimental sentinels brandishing fundamental finality on the mantle of rivalry...
Sodden grease and I follow-she.. '

onwards into space, dark and light, dancing through time to your own heartbeat but wrapped- within someone else's reflection. Need read this again

[Chase Dylan]

Thanks very much, Emma Green.
It would certainly not be too much to state the rocking of walls that transpired upon reading.
I am, after all...
Dylan, the Shaker of Walls

[Miss Sharon]

Nicely done! ( a sheath for elite-meat-treats and bleep-heaps...) Love the almost tongue twister in these lines. ~Sharon

[Thomas W Case]

Powerful work. Fantastic imagery.

[Chase Dylan]

Much appreciated, thank you, Thomas

[Pete]

nice flow - easy on the tongue but not so on the heart and soul.

for me, this line says it all -

'I'm a liability for the masks of sentimental sentinels brandishing fundamental finality on the mantle of rivalry..'

[Chase Dylan]

Appreciate the time, Pete, Thank you.
I certainly enjoy that line, was a point of evolution for me if I recall.
Cheers

[Anita Frader]

this is really great, reads like a song

[Chase Dylan]

Thanks for the really great appreciation, Anita!
I wish life was a song...

[Anita Frader]

as long as it's not on repeat :)

[Sami Khalil]

"Before the metaphors and metal forged I sat ignored and lonesome
alone and broken..."

[Chase Dylan]

Could not rhyme before my head went smack!

[Sami Khalil]

Hahahah...........

[Sami Khalil]

"But in this bees nest I'm best before checks in reality
I'm a liability for the masks of sentimental sentinels brandishing fundamental finality on the mantle of rivalry"

[Chase Dylan]

One of my fav's on this one

[Sami Khalil]

Mantle of Rivalry will be a good title for a story or poem...Up to you...

[An owl on the moon]

This is extraordinary. The form and flow feel both ancient and yet alive in the moment... and there is a movement to your thoughts that feels like water, sometimes the peaceful stillness of it... sometimes the rushing madness of it. So well done.

[Chase Dylan]

A very pleasant view, Owly-Moon... I so much appreciate your take on the brushings of the muse...read moreA very pleasant view, Owly-Moon... I so much appreciate your take on the brushings of the muse...
Thank you

[.]

I like it when the poem has been occasionally rhymed. It sounds great when read aloud. It's appreciably very good word choice. :)
Keep writing! I hope to get in touch soon.
Good Luck!

[Chase Dylan]

Thanks you, Aurora...!
Although I might add it rhymes a bit more than "occasionally"...
Hah

[.]

Then I expect more from this poem, I'd love to read when it becomes a whole rhyme. :)

[Chase Dylan]

I also expect more from myself...!
But... It IS a whole rhyme...
AS IS...
I am sorry, not to argue, just confused on what you mean

[.]

I am sorry, maybe I mistook something.😅

[Chase Dylan]

Nono, I think I did! :p
Haha, I just wanted to help clarify if you thought something was wrong! I am totally sorry, you are perfect!

[.]

I mean, there are some lines that don't rhyme with any other lines in the entire poem. But it actually sounds good that way, I realized better after reading it again. So there's nothing that I want to point out, sorry for worrying you unnecessarily.
Another thing, I like it that you attend all of your reviewers so deliberately. :).

Keep Writing!

[Chase Dylan]

Oh, I appreciate that very much, Aurora!
I totally get what you mean now!
"Traditional" poetry will usually follow some sorta format...
Like:
AAbbCCddEE
AAbbAAbbAA
AbAbAb

But we can REALLY rhyme however we want!
So if I use a string of internal rhymes, like...

"I'm a liability for the masks of sentimental sentinels brandishing fundamental finality on the mantle of rivalry..."

I will want to have a phrase or some words that "pop-out" from my normal rhyme-sounds, like...

"I sit outside and mind my own business..."

When using internal rhymes, especially strings of them together on ONE line, it can be advantageous to your overall "sound". If you don't necessarily follow a "format", but track syllable count and "breath"
That means we can not worry about what lines end how, and just write for the INTERNAL rhyming....
Thanks so much for clarifying!
A pleasure to talk with you, and I like when people are deliberate!

Treat those how you wish to be treated

Keep writing as well!

[gram linski]

Great buzzing sound as I read it out loud, echoes of past words clashing with those to come, sweet damaged lost dreams, lol if you liked Kerouac check out English punk poet John Cooper Clarke,

[Chase Dylan]

I went straight to him... Learning a lot...
Pure beast mode of a man, lol
"buzzing"read moreI went straight to him... Learning a lot...
Pure beast mode of a man, lol
"buzzing"
I quite like that
Cheers and thanks