Photographs

I'm looking through the photographs

Of the memories we used to have

When your arms would wrap around my waist

I'm flipping through the pages

Of the book of our different stages

And I can't help but wonder if I've been replaced

I'm replaying our love in the version of a movie

But the more I watch it, the more it turns gloomy

So I need to know, have those memories been erased

Reviews

[Robert Trakofler]

This is precisely what have been going through right now and i don't think i could write it any better!

[Evelynn]

Thank and I'm so sorry that you are going through this

[JayG]

One of the things about rhyming is that if you do, having established a pattern, you need to maintain it. In this you have three non-rhyming lines, then two that do, one that doesn't, and then two more that do.

But that aside, this is someone we know nothing about, talking to someone not introduced, about events unknown. And that raises the question: what's in it for the reader? Is hearing that someone unknown is sad in the aftermath of something unknown happening meaningful, or desirable to a reader who wants to be entertained?

You're thinking in terms of facts. But poetry deals in emotion. And that emotion is what your words evoke in the reader, not in a report of what the protagonist feels. In other words, instead of reporting, motivate the reader to react. Place them into the poem by making them recall like events in their own life. Entertain, don't inform. As presented, the only emotion a reader might feel is sympathy. Instead, make them CARE.

In regard to the rhyming, a really good into to structured poetry is the excerpt to Stephen Fry's, The Ode Less traveled. For what he has to say about the flow of language, I recommend it to all writers.

[H L Rose]

I especially like the repetition in the “I'm (action)” lines. I think the imagery and the metaphors work well together and the ending line is a good way to leave the reader with something to consider and think about.

I think the “movie” and “gloomy” rhyme feels a little forced(of course I could be wrong), but I enjoyed the other rhymes especially “waist”, “replaced”, and “erased”.

I enjoyed reading!

[aj milton]

You capture wonderfully that uncertainty that can creep into a relationship particularly where a little time or distance has caused a pause.

[Coyote Poetry]

Dear Evelynn, you asked a hard question in the poetry.
"I'm replaying our love in the version of a movie
But the more I watch it, the more it turns gloomy
So I need to know, have those memories been erased"
I have wondered the same question as above. Can we go too far and forget what made us happy once? Thank you my friend for sharing the amazing poetry. Great poetry make the reader think. This poem did.
Coyote

[Evelynn]

Thank you.

[Coyote Poetry]

You are welcome Evelynn.

[richieb]

Evelynn,

I enjoyed your well written poem. Photographs, relationships and memories spur the emotions in different directions. Your words lead the reader to personal times they can relate to. As a poet you cast a spell on the reader to remember and imagine. Some times painful, some times happy. Your work will create a mood for everyone who reads it.
Peace,
Richie b.

[Evelynn]

Thank you!

[emipoemi]

Very solemn and profound. Quite enjoyed the flow and the narrative, and the rhymes are very much on point! The only thing I need point out is that it should read ".....HAVE those memories...." (not "has").

Otherwise, well freaking done! A marvellous piece!

[Evelynn]

Thank you so much. And I thought it was have, but i wasn't quite sure so i didnt change it lol

[emipoemi]

you can always go with the rule of conjugation: "has" is third-person singular....so it would refer to singular nouns, and "have" is plural (it's everything else, actually, but in this case it's plural), so it would be used for plural nouns.

[Evelynn]

okay thanks

[emipoemi]

my pleasure.

[Pete]

hopefully not. some memories can't be erased so quickly or easily. touch write that tugs at heartstrings ... :)