Bye My First

young and in love with love

we were testing the waters

dipping our feet in first

until we fell harder

we were young and naive 

to think this love could last

we tried to make it work

but the verdict came to pass

and as the story goes

our young love came to an end

two broken hearts were left

picking up pieces to mend

months have came and left us

our hearts are both fully healed

and now i’ll remember

the love story of my youth 

Reviews

[Derekv]

Great piece. I really like the opening line "young and in love with love". A lot of young people are in love with the idea of love, myself included.

-Derekv

[Evelynn]

thank you so much!

[Neville]

A delightfully well poemed recollection.....

Neville

[Evelynn]

thank you so much! :)

[Neville]

You are very welcome :)

[Pete]

they say that we always remember our first love. we test the waters with wide-eyed innocence. matters of the heart are intricate. a sad but learned write or healing ... :)

[JayG]

I like the flow and the sentiment. It has more cohesion than most poetry I see on this site. But...(and there always is one, isn't there?) when it comes to structure and prosody there are a few things you need to look into.

Readers are picky creatures. If you have one verse that contains a rhyme they expect it to be the same in each verse. And like a song, from verse to verse they expect the beat, and the number of beats per line, to remain consistent. In this, S1 and S4 are unstructured, but S2 and S3 have an ABCB structure, and, your lines open with trochaic and iambic structure inconsistently.

Take a look at the excerpt, on Amazon, from Stephen Fry's, The Ode Less Traveled. It's a great intro to the realities and norms of structured poetry. And for an example of the power of prosody, take a look at Robert W. Service's poem, The Cremation of Sam McGee. The rhymes are effortless and natural, and provide a beat like the ticking of a metronome. It was written over 100 years ago and is still great fun to perform at a campfire, where you can see the kids literally keeping the beat with a fist on their leg.
https://www.shmoop.com/cremation-sam-mcgee/poem-text.html

And look at the pages following the poem, where they analyze it. Lots of useful information there.

And on a more gentle note, look at the first verse lyrics for the song, The Twelfth of Never. They're an excellent example of how rhymes can be placed so the word used is the perfect one for the thought, yet seem to almost accidentally rhyme:

You ask me how much I need you, must I explain?
I need you, oh my darling, like roses need rain
You ask how long I'll love you, I'll tell you true
Until the Twelfth of Never, I'll still be loving you

Hope this helps

[Evelynn]

Thank you so much! I will definitely look more into that and work on that! :)

[emipoemi]

you were creating art and poetry in motion til the very end, which felt anticlimactic in energy, musicality, and sound......because you chose to break the "rhyme" scheme there, which is a gutsy move since it's supposed to be the height of the power. And though those last two lines have power in their own right, the way you weaved them into the poem didn't pack the proper punch. But those first two stanzas were absolutely golden. Great start!

[Evelynn]

thank you :))

[emipoemi]

my pleasure