Echoes of You

~Echoes of You~

Your ghost hides in corners of our wrinkled sheets

reaching out transparent hands to grasp at my foolishness.

I've never enjoyed swimming naked in guilt's sea - 

It leaves me dripping remorse.

It seems, death's formidable grip can trump a full hand 

of indifference every time.

The mundane, repetitious days of our existence

held me in perspective as one

too ambivalent to shake his disembodied shoulders. 

The scent of your demise to me seemed innocuous -

fleeting, and unable to bloom;

But, flowers - I've discovered - are fragile things 

that in a short period of time

will die from the slightest chill.

And I...unbelievably -

immersed in my neglectful, narrow corner -

unable to sympathize or relate to simple needs -

never noticed at all -

your petals -

falling one by one.

How often have men picked their flower in life only to ignore her later through the trials of marriage? Her tears like petals have fallen. Now, through her absence, he realizes too late, what he has done: Disregarded and Ignored his soul mate.

Your thoughts are always welcome.

Author's Note

Note to self: Changed the picture and a couple of words.


A quick note:

~~This is by far my most popular poem. And yet, it didn't start that way. Many young people are offended by advice or suggestions from others. They feel insulted that someone would critique their writing.

As for me, I came here not just to share my writing but to learn as well. If it wasn't for suggestions from Rick Puetter and Girl Friday (see below) I don't think the poem would have been as good. The poet Richard also helped me fine tune the poem and it is now--after all these years--(in my mind) complete.

We can always learn from other people as long as we know they have more experience and know-how than us.~~

Reviews

[Ruth]

Oh my! This is truly wrenching!

"I've never enjoyed swimming
in guilt's sea; it always leaves
me naked and dripping
of remorse. "

Stunning lines, the whole poem is heart breakingly stunning! x

[Relic]

Thanks so much Poppy, its my one big hit, I'll probably never be able to write like this again. lol

[Ruth]

lol You will...I sense an emotional poet ;)

[Relic]

We'll see, we'll see.

[Mehak Mushtaq]

Speechless. This piece is stunning. It haunts the very soul of me and reaches the deapth of my conscience. Amazing.

[Relic]

You're very kind, thank you.

[Kelly Scheppers]

"And I, immersed within my
neglectful narrow corner, unable
to sympathize or relate to a simple need,
never noticed at all--your petals...
falling one by one."

I hate having to rely upon the word "beautiful"...it is so overused, and so trite. But it truly defines what I have read here.

Bless you!

[Relic]

Thank you very much Kelly.

[London's Lily]

Goodness.
This poem grabbed me by the wrist, pulled me near, and told me a story that my heart understood on multiple levels. The final two lines are my favorite, for quite personal reasons. I admire your writing. :)

[Relic]

Thanks so much. Glad you liked it.

[Chrys_Pap]

it's a thrilling piece of writing! thank you for sharing it with us :)

[Relic]

Thanks very much for reading it Chrys.

[Girl Friday (Sarah W.)]

Such a stark painting of reality...these words speak volumes beyond their letters. I have seen this happen, felt it happen, and each time it puts a tiny mark upon my soul. This can go for both man and woman, but being a woman I sympathize with your author's note in a special way. Great imagery, nice flow, a couple of lines were a bit "overdone" in terms of descriptors:

icy, dark, neglectful narrow corner (four adjectives in one line gets a little list like)

Overall, though, this piece was very well done and I quite enjoyed the read.

[Relic]

This poem has been revised many times over the years and the overdone parts were added with trepidation. There never overdone till someone mentions it as you have so thank you for saying that. I'll consider revising that part.

Your review was a breath of fresh air and I thank you for stopping by my page. :)

[smilempsn]

well that was a poem that was sad....sad...n made us all think about it..
That we don't value a thing when we have it..... And as soon as we loses it, its the same time we realize.. that it was the Best thing we had in life...

I liked the flow.. and how powerfully you wrapped your emotions in here..!!

[Relic]

Thanks very much for your thoughts on this Smile.

[smilempsn]

pleasure was all mine ^-^

[Relic]

:)

[smilempsn]

Do u have any idea..... Why I am not able to go to your profile ??
it says

'Closed

This profile has been closed by the writer.

Because of all the foolishness that goes on here and what this site has become, I find no reason to post here anymore. '

[Relic]

I was wondering where you read it from. I closed my account a couple of weeks ago?

[smilempsn]

'where I read it from' what are you talking about ??

[Relic]

If my account is closed, how did you see the poem?

[smilempsn]

I dunnoo... I was reviewing some one else poem... And your poem came in the 'Related writings' tab.. So I just clicked and read it ^-^

But when I tried to open your profile, to may be read more of my interest.. It said its Closed..!! :)

[Relic]

Ahh haa, so that's how people see it. Now I get it. Thanks for telling me that.

[smilempsn]

:o :o Ohh..!! are you closing your poems too ??
Can I know the reason..!! Well you write so nice, so why to close this specially gift from us.... ^-^

[Relic]

I'll PM you if you want?

[smilempsn]

hmm okay fine..!!

[MentalPrincess~]

This reminds me of my "Dreamland" especially in the beginning where it says 'Your ghost hides in the corners of wrinkled sheets" I never had a "romantic" relationship and I can't stand reading about romance because of a bad past but still I can't help but imagine having a 'Fairytale Love' if you will. I was listening to a song and it said something like "We always run away from something we want" But anyways I can go on and on, this piece really captivated me. [I read this before, well I skimmed thru it and tried to figure out how was I going to review it but now I read and reread and it inspired me]

[Relic]

Thank you for taking the time to read it. 'We always want what we can't have' is true. Sometimes it takes a lot of determination to break the spell of a romantic crush. I know, I've been there.

[Thomas Fitzgerald]

This piece makes one think on suggestion, mere sexuality - I think not, but the guages of the male form certainly stings in the mind, well done, good read.

[Relic]

Thank you Thomas.

[ChemicalMadness]

I think you have something quite promising here. The first stanza is very well done and the first part of the second stanza is beautiful - sad and dripping of remorse...love it. The poker reference, though - for me - depletes the balance of beauty, loss, and angst you've worked hard to accrue. It seems jarringly out of place to me, especially when you account for the entirety of the piece. It's a metaphor way out of place. Can you tell I feel strongly about this one? ;) There's no need to insert a trite and overused metaphor here when you were doing so well. I'd urge to reconsider here.
The third stanza, while leveraging some nice imagery and wording, gets a little muddled for me - but i think that is a matter of style and what you were going for. I feel the messaging could be stronger, clearer, and more succinct.
I really enjoyed the last stanza, save for "icy, dark, neglectful corner"...I'd like to see either a more powerful image conjured up here or a more economical way to say what you're saying because you lose the flow and some of the beauty that could be in this line.
I think your work here is strong. You can do even better though.
*disclaimer - I generally review as if the writer actually cares about my opinion and is looking for suggestions to improve. I understand sometimes pieces are simply laid out to share and enjoy responses with no intention of re-writing/working. That is totally fine with me - I just review under different assumptions, so I hope my critique is taken constructively.
CM

[Relic]

Thank you for your thoughts CM. I take all opinions seriously. Being I hardly write anymore I will consider your ideas for a future revision. My talents for writing poetry have waned and as a result, I have taken more to reviewing. I will think about what you've said when I'm ready to revise. Thank you very much, I appreciate it.

[ChemicalMadness]

only desires wane...talent simply tarnishes a bit when neglected ;)
Feel free to turn a critical eye to any of my work in return...I'm just knocking the rust off as well.

[Relic]

My time is shorter now, but I certainly will. Thanks.