Waiting

A romantic lament

Waiting

Among the crowd, it’s you I see
You own my heart, you hold the key
My vision dark except for you
I see no room, no other view
You steal my sense,

my eyes both blind
Except for you
You fill my mind

You move with grace, the tiger's stalk
(my throat so dry I scarce can talk)
The piercing eye, the thrust of breast
(my heart is tearing in my chest)
In pain I gaze at hip and thigh
Who holds your love
Not I
Not I

Not for me those hidden graces
Not for me those secret places
Not for me love's lip on lip
And not for me caress of hip
No love for me, not even rind
Except for you
You fill

my mind

How came I thus to my sad fate?
To lose the one I need for mate
So many others more than I
Will please your sight, will catch your eye
I grope for words to bid you stay
To reach your heart, to find the way
But words still fail to pierce the veil
With silent tears, again I fail

You stand while I, with hope forlorn
Must curse the day that I was born
I need your mind, your scent, your touch
(the day we met I knew that much)
I know my fate is linked to you
(but how to make you see that, too?)

I watch you standing clothed in night
With eyes of mist and teeth so white
You touch my hand with skin of silk
The curve of breast, oh love's sweet milk
Tear from my lips the words to bind
(before, Dear God, I lose my mind)

You turn to me, all grace and fire
My flame of love, my blazing bier
You touch my cheek.... Will waiting end?
You smile and say, "Good night my friend."

I stand and weep, my hopes unwind
Except for you
You fill
My mind

 

Reviews

[Gideon X. A. Elson]

Uuuuuuuhhhhhhhh... the rhymes the theme the contents therein resonate with me beautifully my friend. As I said before if continue this does when pursuing your work then,, scarce find words to describe the emotions brought forth! BRAVO again bravo again!
P.s had to come back and add that, that second to last stanza is perfection! You take the reader to the edge of ecstacy and then as is only fate could deem, let them down as gracefully as the maiden of whom you write does our protagonist!

[John Alexander McFadyen]

Such a sad, sad tale of unrequited love told in a lilting rhyming poem that flows like warm tears down the page washing such pathos into the reader's eyes.

[BlackPrince]

This is a nice poem. I like the overall rhyme scheme, stanza structure and layout. The imagery is vivid and picturesque.The anaphoric refrain greatly adds to the rhythmic flow.
It has good start, development, suspense, middle, momentum and great finale, with context, concept and content in sync.

Well done!!!

[Lea Sheryn]

Beautiful and heartfelt. ...sigh...

[rick]

This is beautiful..
I want to see more from you

[annalysiar]

Beautiful poem
I’m sorry it’s met with negativity...
I hope to read more

[Davidgeo]

Ha... you deleted another one?

Damn. For a "man" who pretends to be objective and tough with his reviews you seem to be kinda sensitive when it comes back to you.

Stick to self publishing. And stop pretending like you're a big time published author; I feel embarrassed for you in this moment. You are easily the most naïve intellectual coward I've come across here.

Do you at least see the irony in "dingler" (or is it "Mckracker"? that multi profile approach can be a little confusing sometimes) saying "keep your work true" even though you constantly say you keep things purposely generic so you can "sell to the masses"? Ha...ah. You make it so easy for me. And keep your head down, maybe you'll come up with something not straight out of a textbook or Wikipedia page that way.

By the way "dingler"... I'm probably one of the only real veterans on this site. Sgt David Demers, last unit I served with... Bravo battery 1/320th, 101st Airbourne. Look it up chumps... there is nothing fake about me, for better or for worse - I am exactly what I say I am.

[JayG]

Kid, you're on my turf, dancing to my tune. I could have blocked you, but didn't. And as predicted, here you are, not discussing this poem, writing, or anything useful. You're showing others who you truly are.

Want to prove you're the better writer? Write something.

[Davidgeo]

Why'd you delete my other reviews then? Hmm... You know I only blocked you for a day to see if you would delete my comments because that's what "guys" like you do when they think they are safe. And I'm not here to prove that I'm a better writer than you... I know I'm average on my best day, usually I'm pretty s****y.

Every time you say stupid s**t like that you prove the point I've been trying to make since the 'prosody' thing. How are you still oblivious to what's really going on here? Keep it up champ, this is entertainment you can't pay for at your expense.

[JayG]

Kid, you're on my turf, dancing to my tune. I could have blocked you, but didn't. And as predicted, here you are, not discussing this poem, writing, or anything useful. You're showing others who you truly are.

Want to prove you're the better writer? Write something.

[Davidgeo]

Um... how do you f**k up copy and pasting?

Thanks for the reposting the same message from 2 hours ago though. You don't seem flustered or incompetent at all... no sir, not all.

Are you done making a fool of yourself or shall we continue?

[Davidgeo]

Seriously, you are not doing well with this exchange. I've been a few steps ahead of you the entire time, and I will continue to be a few steps ahead of you for as long as you keep trying. The harder you try the more foolish you're going to look. I'm starting to feel bad because you seem unable to recognize the reality of what I've been doing to you. I'm using your pride to make you look like a moron... it's kinda starting to get sad.

[JayG]

Were you as good as you believe you wouldn't have any pieces with no reviews, nor so many with less than five. Spending time improving your writing skills would be more beneficial than posturing here.

[Davidgeo]

Really? Do you really wanna play that game right now? Lets just say, I do alright on this site in terms of attention. But more to the point... why are you still so pathetically clinging to insignificant amounts of popularity as your yard stick for quality writing? It's so sad at this point... I don't even want to make fun of you anymore. It really is like pistol whipping a blind kid at this point. I think you might be divorced from reality in a way that a medical doctor should probably take a look at.

[JayG]

• why are you still so pathetically clinging to insignificant amounts of popularity as your yard stick for quality writing?

If you feel so strongly that the number of comments my writing receives is insignificant, what does receiving zero comments, or only one or two, say about your writing's significance?

You CAN'T insult my writing, because I've never said it's any good. You can only belittle your own because you can't do even a fraction as well as someone you disparage as insignificant.

Seems a silly thing to do. Glass houses, and all that.

[Davidgeo]

Are you really that insecure? You need strangers to validate your "work"? I've seen your stats... you don't get even a fraction of the traffic I do, nor even a fraction of the reviews... but that is all irrelevant. That you think all that bullshit is what makes a good writer is so profoundly pathetic I'm starting to think you're either a genius trying to prove a point through ignorance or a borderline senile dumb a*s with a self confidence problem so profound he is sub consciously hiding obvious facts from himself. Do you want me to befriend you again so you can take a look at my general stats? It's not going to make you feel better about yourself but... here you go, have a friend request, by all means... take a look and compare stats. Ugh... this is getting so sad. Just remember, even though I dwarf you in every possible way by the standards YOU put forth -- don't feel bad, that s**t really doesn't make one a good or a bad writer.

[JayG]

• you don't get even a fraction of the traffic I do, nor even a fraction of the reviews...

Son of a b***h. Why didn't I see it sooner? It's Donald Trump visiting the site.

[Davidgeo]

Nice try. You're the one who brought it up so that's not going to work. Try harder next time.

[neurostar burns]

"Butt Darling"?

[Davidgeo]

Ugh... you again? Stop embarrassing yourself. Or at least disguise yourself better. Loser.

[Wesley Dingler]

Personally, I thought this was good. If it's near and dear to your heart, I think it's amazing, regardless of how simple.
Yes, I saw what that make-believe veteran David George had to say about you and your rhyme. I can't say that I agree with him (ever, thank God).
What people like him will never understand is that [they] fall well into every cliche ever written about the whiny kids who never became adults. It makes them feel better about their nothingness to trash our somethings.
Tisk, tisk.

Myself, I would tell you to keep up the good work, or at the very least, keep your work true.
That's what will ultimately separate us from brainless bullies like that guy.
Sorry he was such an a*s to you, JG.

Keep your head up.



-wes

[Julie McCarthy (juliesp..]

This is exquisite I love it to bits illput in my favs look fwd to reading more of your work !