Annabel

Please read my story, "The Blue Elk" first

Cell 159

Inhabitant: Annabel Sandrake

 

“You enjoyed sticking it in me didn’t you? DIDN’T YOU?! You sure fooled me, I deserved it I suppose but still…..” She laughs hysterically, “……I showed you, you son of a…..”

The light flickers

“It started in elementary school didn’t it? You were so nice back then.  Every day you and I would play on the swings together, pick flowers by the fence of the playground, and….when I fell you would bring me a bandage…..We stayed friends for years, getting closer each day until we decided to be together. I remember the feel of your soft hands, the feeling of your hair when I ran my fingers through it, your touch…..For years we were happy together and then……”

She looks up and screams with a gargantuan shriek

“WHAT DO YOU DO?...on the night we made love for the first time you tell me, YOUTELL ME THAT YOU ARE LEAVING ME FOR THAT PLASTIC PUBESENT POLE DANCER FROM OUR GYM CLASS!!!!!!!!!” She again laughs manically, “You made me sit there day after day watching her sit on your lap, sucking on your ear just to tempt a response from me. Well you got a response from me didn’t you? DIDN’T YOU?! I saw how you always looked at those….things of hers when she bent over and I knew that is when you were most distracted, so I just made a little ‘snip snip.’” She snickers “oh the thud was stupendous, and her scream was music to my ears. Then another ‘snip’ and….” She grins, “She was silenced.”

A wicked smile came across her face, and then said sarcastically, “My favorite part was when the prosecutor asked me ‘Did you cut he lines to the sand bag above the male deceased and then preceded to cut the straps holding the schools wrestling mats tugther, thus causing the deaths of both deceased?’ and I said ‘wow your grammar sucks, duh I cut them you twat waffle!’ her reaction was priceless! I guess the judge felt I belong in this damp place. Especially after my lawyer tried the make a move on me….and I bit her tongue out when she tried to kiss ME!” She is laughing so hard she is crying.

“Annabel, SHUT UP! You are disturbing the other inmates…” said the prison nurse.

“Oh you the women with the fat butt is going to tell me to shut up? HA, yeah right! You can take those pills and shove them….”

“ORDERLY!” screamed the nurse. Two orderlies appeared, “Tied her down so we can feed her the daily dose.” The two big men came in the cell and strapped her down, her screaming vulgarity the whole time. Eventually she was strapped down and they injected a liquid version of her medicine. She calmed down again. She remained calm for a long time, especially since the nurse pumped her full of three times the dosage necessary…

“Hey nurse!” yelled an inmate. The nurse went over to the next cell. “Cell 160....why are you bent over?”

“Unlike that stupid woman I am more than willing to take my medicine” said the man laughing at the disgust of the nurse.

“Ugh, your last meal will be here soon.” She scowled

“AWWWWW you’re no fun, same time tomorrow? Oh wait, I am going to die tomorrow, well I guess I shall see you in the lustful level of hell” He said with a smile. “Looks like things are getting interesting tonight….”He sneers at the nurse as she wheels her cart away.

Author's Note

I need a title, suggestions?

Reviews

[H-Jonesy]

God that was wonderfull! ive have honestly been looking for a good book to keep up with and ive found it!.
my only suggestion would be to add some more detail, it will make your piece longer and more interesting. but great great job. please keep it up

[Jacqueline Lopez]

The way you have written this story is nicely. Yo give really good details and you keep us on the edge like Ashley bet wrote I can't wait for the next chapter!

[James Watts]

“You enjoyed sticking it in me didn’t you? DIDN’T YOU?! You sure fooled me, I deserved it I suppose but still…..” She laughs hysterically, “……I showed you, you son of a…..”(remove double quotations. While in a comic book format those acceptable, in prose it is not necessary. ...DIDN"T YOU!... comma after it and after suppose ...deserved it, I suppose,...she laughs hysterically. try: She laughs, hysteric madness burning in her eyes,)

“It started in elementary school didn’t it? You were so nice back then. (comma between school and didn't ...school, didn't it...)


...screamed the nurse. Two orderlies appeared,...(For purpose of keeping things in the same tense you may want to try this: ...screams the nurse and two orderlies appear,... this will keep it in the same tense as the opening.)

I didn't rake over the entire piece as it is a work in progress, I only pointed out a few minor issues. With a little polish this will be a good story. My only true advice is read over the dialogue, aloud if necessary, and see how true it rings in your ear. Dialogue is difficult to write, but it can make or break a story.

[Dark Angel]

I like the maniac woman already... lol. Kinda weird how I understand her train of thought. As for a title for the book, that usually comes after the book is written or you will have to follow the theme the name of the book suggests. As much as I like dialogue, I love description and thought process more. To make things flow and become less sketched out, description of her surroundings, description of her and a little more tease on how she killed her lover and the other woman would help make the chapter seem fuller. Good start and keep it up!

[ashley]

Interesting. Sick but fasinating. Cant wait for the next chapter! :D