You never know what you'll do...

Would you like a side of Prozac with that?

Friday, July 23, 2004

 

Fast-food is going to be the downfall of western civilization.  You'll just have to trust me on this.  Where else can you spend $4.99 on substances that can barely be pronounced, encouraged to super-size your ability to clog your arteries at the speed of grease and also get a refill for a quarter?  People are so proud of their ability to provide cheap death in a bun that they put their names all over the stuff... Wendy's, Carl's Jr., McDonald's, Tommy's, etc.  It wasn't called Hitler's they just call it the Holocaust but the casualty rate wasn't nearly as high...

Top Ten Things To Do When You're Bored In A Fast-Food Restaurant:

10. Go to the counter and ask if they can "super-size something that's not on the menu."

9.  Randomly ask people if they find the establishment "olfactory."

8.  Wear a cape to the restaurant, jump up from your chair when you're done and run back to your car shouting, "I'll be right there!"

7.  When they bring you your food ask if the "poor, defenseless animal was killed humanely or subjected to the horrors of an anonymous mass slaughter like it didn't even have a soul."

6.  Ask if they offer alternatives to the "kid's meals" with appropriate toys like "Buddhist meals," "Hedonist plates," or "Sado-masochistic sack lunches."

5.  Offer to "autograph" people's napkins.

4.  When people try to sit at the table next to you don't look up from your meal but say, "Stop it.  They can sit there if they want to.  You can't make me do that."

3.  Write "Official Straw Monitor" on a napkin, tuck it in your collar and pass straws out to people.

2.  When the person at the counter asks if they can help you hold up four fingers and shout, "I'm this many!!"

and the number one thing to do when you're bored at a fast-food restaurant:

1.  Leave an anonymous note for the manager saying, "I don't want to alarm you but I think the chair I was sitting in may actually be an exact replica of Malaysian shrine where 500 clowns lost their lives."