Is this it? [Chapter 4: Dreams, Nightmares, Realities]

Is this it? [Chapter 4: Dreams, Nightmares, Realities]

A Chapter by Chaos Complex

And the insanity meter spikes for Ren.

[Continued from: "Plans"]

"So, why do you want to kill yourself?"

"Because I hate myself. I hate everyone. Everything is wrong."

The psychologist tapped his pen against a paper pad that rested on his lap. He wore glasses with thick lenses. The frames looked light and were the color of copper. Sitting on a couch opposite from the middle aged man was a young boy with spiky black hair. He wore a pair of his own glasses and he was frowning at the psychologist. Ren was standing by the only door in the room. He knew who that kid was.

"This is-" He whispered to himself. The others didn't seem to notice him. He was like a ghost in their presence. He started to take a couple of steps towards the two of them. The psychologist scribbled something in his pad as he asked the young Ren another question.

"Do you really want to die?"

"Yes. I want to leave this place. I want to go away forever."

"Isn't that stupid?"

"Why is it stupid?!"

"Because you're so young. No one your age should want to die. You're only 14. To feel that way isn't right."

"It hurts too much!"

"What does?"

"Living. It hurts. It always hurts. I keep messing up. I keep hurting people. I don't deserve to live. My sister- she should have lived! I should have died! She would have done a better job living than I did. I'm sure she would have made my parents happy. I'm sure she would have been popular."

"But Ren, your sister died at birth. Why are you-"


Ren watched the tears stream from the cheeks of the younger version of himself. He remembered saying these things. He knew why he did it. Because he didn't feel it was fair. He didn't feel it was right. After years of therapy and meeting different psychologists, he finally was able to shake that off. He walked toward his younger self and stopped, standing right beside him. He looked down, realizing how pitiful he looked. Someone who had nothing. Someone who was broken. Years of mental and psychological torture had led him to behave and think like this at the time. The psychologist continued.

"I want you to try a new medication. It will help you."

Ren glared at the psych. He had heard those identical words so many f*****g times. He turned and faced the psychologist, making a tight fist. With eyes full of hate he screamed directly at the doctor.

"Don't you f*****g dare!"

The psychologist didn't hear him or notice him. Instead of flipping out or responding to Ren, the middle aged man pulled out a prescription pad and began to scribble the name of a medication and all the other information. Ren continued screaming for his former self.

"Stop it! I don't need that s**t! Don't you see that I'm just alone?!"

Ren ran towards the psychologist with intents to slap the pen out of his hand as he jotted on the paper. When he swung his backhand at the man's hand, he was surprised to watch his own body go through the males like something out of a twisted sci-fi movie.

"You can't be serious." He muttered, staring down at his hand. He felt powerless- again.

"Now Ren, I'm going to go get your mom so we can talk about giving you these medications. You're going to get all better, I promise." The doctor moved toward the door. Ren watched as the doctor swung it open and a bright light engulfed the room. Blinded by such a heavy glow, Ren shielded his eyes, cussing at it.

"Son of a- "

Then there was darkness. He was standing a minute ago. But now he was sitting. His hands were bound down to the handle of something, and he could feel his body being moved forward. The squeaking of wheels that needed oiling played in his ear like a horrible song. Doors opened, and he was in a familiar well-lit, white and red hallway. He looked behind him to see a man in a button up shirt, pushing the wheelchair he had now realized he was in. When he looked down, he noticed he was in a bluish hospital gown and a pair of beige hospital socks.

"Why am I here?"

"Baker act."


Ren turned forward to see another set of double doors. He glanced up to see the name of the department he was being forced into.


The doors flung open and the transporter left Ren in the middle of an intersection on the floor, disappearing through another door in the hallway in front of him. Strapped to his wheel chair and unable to move his arms, Ren glanced around, anxiously. He had visited this unit several times in his past. He was locked in here frequently, constantly pretending he was fine to escape this place, only to be re-abused by everyone outside of the facility. The lights suddenly began to flicker. Ren looked around, glimpsing at a hallway behind him. All the bulbs in the hallway suddenly died one by one, like a bad domino effect, heading towards his direction.

"What the hell is this?"

Still alone in the intersection, Ren spoke to himself as he began to wiggle his arms underneath the straps of the wheel chairs armrest. He heard doors creak open. More lights in another hallway began to shut off in the same fashion the one behind him went. Suddenly, the floor was full of whispers, raspy voices, and chilling murmuring.


That was all he could say as he tried desperately to slip out of the straps. His eyes were wide and sweat was dripping down the side of his face. He felt his heart beating like an angry drummer at a rock concert. He wanted nothing more than to free himself from these restraints so he could run. Run somewhere. Anywhere.

The sound of broken glass filled the air. Screams. Taunting from wicked voices. He could hear what they were saying now. He could understand.

"You want to die? Go die."

"You're a worm. Nobody wants you."

"Who cares if you're alive or dead?"

"F**k you. F**k you. F**k you!"

Ren gasped as he finally got an arm free from under one restraint. He desperately began to undo the other. Then he ripped off the one's that were on his ankles and leapt up, spinning around to see who the hell was whispering those things so close to him.

A group of people stood there. Their eyes filled with disgust and loathing. He saw teachers. He saw bullies. He saw psychologists. He saw old friends. He saw his dad. He saw people who he had lost over the years. He saw people he hurt. He saw people who hurt him. He saw pain and suffering.

"I..." Ren swallowed hard, then he glared furiously at all of them.

"IT'S ALL YOUR FAULT!!!" He roared to life, grabbing the wheel chair and throwing it violently toward the center of the group. It smashed into a couple of them and they fell over like mannequins, stiff as boards and not showing any signs of pain. They only continued to wear the same glare that they met him with.

He screamed like he was possessed by a demon and dashed towards them, swinging his hands into their paper like forms- ripping through their flesh, pulling out guts and innards. He was coating himself in their crimson fluids, pounding away with a rage he had never felt before. He smashed, he punched, he stomped, he threw. He did it all while crying. He cried hard while screaming so much that his vocal cords felt like they would burst. After what seemed like an eternity of a massacre, he stopped. He fell to his knees, in a puddle of blood and a mountain of limbs.

The sound of footsteps could be heard behind him. He could hear someone walking heavily in the puddles of crimson that covered the floor.

"You... want some too?!" Ren barked at whoever was there. 

He then scrambled to his feet, back arched, arms dangling like a mad man. His fingers were trembling, and his nails were covered with scraps of flesh he had ripped from the group that had sent him into this state of fury. He looked up, only to come face to face with an identical form of himself.

"You forgot, I hate you too." It said with a smirk.

"I didn't forget. I hate you the most." Ren gritted his teeth after responding.

"So what are you going to do about it? Treat me the same?"

"Yeah. I think I'll destroy you as well!"

Ren began to run forward, his arm pulling back before swinging at the face of the being who stood before him with all his might.


Someone had slipped in between the two and blocked the blow from connecting. Even so, Ren's nails were so close to the others cheek. Just an inch more and he could rip the flesh off of the other and rip that smirk off of him. Ren only wanted to destroy his existence, destroy himself. The arms of the one who had interfered with the slaughtering could be felt trembling from Ren's blow.

"Why don't you ever want to forgive yourself?"

The familiar voice of a girl caused him to step back. Ren recognized that white dress and blond hair.


"You need to forgive yourself, master. You need to let go of all this! Otherwise, you're really going to destroy yourself. And you don't want that, do you?"

"I don't know what I want."

"It's not this, Ren. It's not this. Now... wake up and reset."


His body jolted to life in his bed, like a fish out of water. He sat up and looked around, breathing heavily. His face was drenched in sweat. His hand suddenly swung up in the air, towards the chain on his ceiling fan. After several tugs, there was light. There was also Aya. She sat on his leather chair with her legs crossed, indian-style.

"Have a nice dream?"

"More like a horrible f*****g nightmare."

"You've got the same expression you had when you got caught having phone sex."

"Oh, shut it."

"Karin woke you up?"

"Yeah. She usually keeps the nightmares away."

"You must be getting really stressed."

Ren looked down at his cellphone that sat on the gray bin, turning it on with a single button press. 3:39AM. 4 missed calls.

"Go back to bed. We'll be watching over you." Aya pat a sheathed sword that sat on her lap. "I'll kill all the nightmares."

Ren stared at her even as he started to lay back down on his mattress.

"You want to know if you're crazy?"

Ren blinked at Aya's sudden question and nodded.

"You are, but not in a bad way."


"Thank yourself."

"I am." Ren smiled at the girl and then closed his eyes.

He would have a peaceful dream now, which involved having fun at some theme park. And if he ever thought he saw something creepy or disturbing, a purple blur would slash it in half, and it would disappear from his dream world.

© 2011 Chaos Complex

Author's Note

Chaos Complex
This chapter was a huge change of pace from the rest of the story... regardless, I hope you like it. As always, reviews are wanted and appreciated. Going to start working on chapter 5 soon...

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Featured Review

I like this, like all the others, haha. When you mentioned phone sex in the story, i laughed (inside), that's yuck, but funny.
The first few lines/dialogue instantly reminded me of myself...I was kinda/exactly like that a few months ago...Cept i didn't see a doctor. : My friend (Pixie/Alyssa) helped me :)

Posted 12 Years Ago

1 of 1 people found this review constructive.


I like this, like all the others, haha. When you mentioned phone sex in the story, i laughed (inside), that's yuck, but funny.
The first few lines/dialogue instantly reminded me of myself...I was kinda/exactly like that a few months ago...Cept i didn't see a doctor. : My friend (Pixie/Alyssa) helped me :)

Posted 12 Years Ago

1 of 1 people found this review constructive.

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1 Review
Added on July 11, 2010
Last Updated on June 21, 2011
Tags: violence, angry, regret, sadness, nightmares, dreams, hatred


Chaos Complex
Chaos Complex


I like to express my emotions and feelings in poetry. I write a lot of rap/hip hop stuff. I'm really vulgar. Deal with it. I don't get many reviews, but thank you to those who even bother to re.. more..