Winter Of Our Youth P1

I've got nostalgia running through me..

and I don't like it.

I'm pedaling backwards

Even if I'm pedaling alone

Can't help it

I re live it all

I can't think of a time where my brother

or my sister enjoyed hearing my birth story.

I can see their skin prickle when it is brought up to anyone.

I don't feel they are proud...or particularly happy.

For them, it's a time in their lives that was horrible.

And I've dared to think they've held this against me in secrecy..but I've always shrugged it off.

Because that is a ridiculous thought..right?

Right.

We visited my sister this weekend for Easter.

My mother, sister, and I sat in the hot tub in bliss.

My mother asked us, if you could change anything in your life, what would you change?

Mom went on to list all the terrible things that happened in her life that she would change.

My sister spoke up next.

She said she would've changed our house fire...and then she looked at me with eyes I couldn't read.

They looked cold.

I'd change Kathryn.

I sat there and laughed.

We all laughed...but then there was silence.

And she said she was serious.

She would've changed me because of how hard her life had become when I "took her mother away from her."

I just sat there, feeling the hot water lick up my skin.

The bubbles and steam filled my quiet lungs.

And then my mother spoke.

Well I think it had more of a negative impact on Steven.

She went on and on about how hard it was for him..and she went on to talk about all the problems everyone faced because of how I was born.

I finally found my voice and turned to my sister.

So if you could change your life, you would've changed my birth so that it would be normal right?

My sister just stared at me.

She didn't say anything.

I slowly got out of the hot tub and dried off.. and instead of making a scene and storming out of the pool area, I sat down on a folding chair.

I was surprised no tears were trickling down my hot cheeks.

In the distance I could hear my mom murmer to my sister: She's going to get mad, but it would've been interesting to see if Joshua survived. Then you'd have two brothers.

If Joshua had survived, I would never have been born.

I felt like I had been punched in the stomach multiple times.

I felt like a bus ran me over, reversed, and ran me over again.  

My own sister would change my existence so that her life could be less traumatic as a child.

Thankfully my dad joined me and sat next to me outside in the sun a few minutes later.

We had a nice long talk. And he stood up for me.

He made me happy to be alive and well.

He made me feel loved for the first time in months.

 

Author's Note

Reviews

[wordman]

if you changed anything,it would change you.
and you always will wander back in time,that`s where your life went

[Kathryn Smith]

Thanks Wordman.

[Kathryn Smith]

Thanks for stopping by.

[Robert Parlange]

Every family has issues. Even the Waltons got a little sick of John-Boy sometimes. If anything you learned the power of words. They can cut like sabers. A hard lesson sometimes.

I like the disjointed style of the writing. It reflects how we think. Not formal but haphazard.

Good introspective piece. Since this is Pt.1 I suppose there is more to this story.

[Kathryn Smith]

Thank you Robert! :) haha I cant imagine how the Waltons all kept it together. ;) I'm working on the second part right now. Thank you for stopping by!