Chapter 8

Amy's school had a winter pageant, the children in each grade put on a wonderful show, and they sang Christmas carols and religious hymns. This was another program where I was the only family member in attendance. Big Mike said he would meet me there, but the car he was driving, our spare car, broke down on the highway, and he didn't make it.  Little Mike was at home, kicking himself in the a*s.  You always do that, when you relapse. 

     Big Mike and I had decided to talk to him that night.  We wanted to tell him he was driving us crazy.  The worry will kill you, wondering if he has been shot and dumped in some canal somewhere.  Or if he got some bad drugs and overdosed or maybe just disabled him, so that he would be a vegetable for the rest of his life.  We wanted him to know that we couldn't live like this.  It took all our energy.  We didn't have any leftover for our business or his sister.  Our thoughts were always on him and what he was doing.  Could he kick this addiction?  Did he really want to? 

     Well the words didn't come out right.  His father in trying to tell him that we loved him very much and wanted to help him basically told him to live right or get out!  At that point things got out of hand and they started arguing vehemently, hurtful words were being hurled back and forth, every one was crying.  Mike said he was going to kill himself and let us watch.

     And they say talk is a form of therapy.  I waited until they had used up all their energy on this useless argument.  Then I tried to talk to Mike, he said at drug treatment they don't treat you this bad when you relapse, they know it's hard to kick! 

     I told him everything I had planned to say earlier, before things got heated and added "The people at treatment don't love you like we do.  When treatment hears that Mike got shot while on the streets they're going to say Oh well, we lost another one, but we saved more.   We as your parents care too much and we will fight this with all we've got because if we lose you, we've lost everything."  I cried.

     I Continued "When you were born, and we bathed you, fed you, played with you, and loved you more than anything in the whole world, we didn't say when he grows up we will stop caring.  We wanted you to have the best life has to offer.  We taught you the golden rule, we taught you your manners, and we taught you to have respect for other people."          

     "Didn't we teach you to value yourself?  Didn't we teach you to love yourself?  If we failed you, we're sorry.  Please let us get past that.  Now can't we work on the future?  You have your whole life ahead of you.  Please don't waste it!" 

     After everyone calmed down, we called it a night, we have enough to think about and absorb.  We can do this like they say "ONE DAY AT A TIME."

     Mike went to his court date apprehensive.  As they read his PTI results I held my breath, the judge asked drug treatment for their recommendation, they said he was doing good and set the next court date for thirty days.  Have a nice holiday and we'll see you in January.

          During the last relapse episode Amy and I had went out and purchased a Christmas tree.  We put it up and decorated it.  That was as far as it went.  I still hadn't started shopping yet, and here it was mid-December. 

                         * * *                  

     We never did get Mikes beeper back, I called and reported it stolen and had it disconnected.  We did not replace it; he didn't answer our pages anyway!  So what could I get him for Christmas, that he wouldn't lose when he ran out of money?  I had a pretty good list going of things not to get Mike.  I took him to do his shopping, took him to his meetings, and took him everywhere.  He tried to sweet talk me into letting him use my van to go shopping alone but it wasn't working!  He had me out in the malls December twenty-second, twenty-third and even on Christmas Eve.  Usually I was done by then.  I liked to finish by the twentieth so I can kick back and enjoy the season a little bit.      

     Mike went to church with us for Christmas.  I prayed, God, here he is, give me a miracle, and fill him with your presence!  Christmas and New Year's came with the parties, the presents, the dinners, all went well.  We had the traditional holiday with the fireworks.  I enjoyed this peaceful existence immensely.  And I hoped this would be the last of the problems with crack cocaine.  I had complete confidence in Mike. 

     I knew however that he had a thirty-day thing going on.  He could stay clean for thirty days, so he must want to quit.  If he can stay clean for thirty days why can't he just stay clean?  If he wanted the drug, why stay clean for that long?  It was a mystery to me.  That period was closing in on me, he was due.  I could feel the tension he was exuding.  I could feel the silence I almost could feel the urge.  I heard it in his voice, I saw it in his actions.  I prayed this time please let him take that urge and beat the hell out it.  Let him take that urge and do nothing for it.  Dismiss that urge, dismiss that demon!  Please God give him strength!

     Mike tried very hard; we had gotten him a weight bench for Christmas.  He bought new chrome weights he worked out daily.  He said weight lifting took his mind off his addiction.

     At the same time, we were getting our old house ready to sell.  We already had a buyer, but we left that house so quickly, we never moved everything out.  Because of all the trouble we had with Dirk, we wanted it to look like we still lived there, so when we did move things out we tried to do it either very early or very late.  We would take a little bit here and a little bit there.  We didn't want to attract attention. 

     We didn't rent a moving van; we took all the little things in our van and car.  Finally we had everything out, now we had to clean and paint.  Mike said. "I want to help."

     "We don't want you to relive the pain you went through there." his dad responded.

     "I'll be alright. It might even be fun."   

     The first time we took him there, Dirk and the neighborhood idiots, let us know they hadn't forgotten.  They just drove up and down the street, one car and then another car, slowing down, peeling out.  That was enough for Mike, he was afraid for anybody to go outside!  He felt we were all in danger.  Who wouldn't after the things they had done.

     Mike went for his January PTI meeting, he came home proud, he had fooled them again, and I don't think he meant to fool them it was just too easy.  It only took seventy-two hours for crack cocaine to leave your system; I would think PTI would test them every other day.  But that was left for drug treatment to do.  Drug treatment was, in Mike's case, starting to realize there was a need to be tough.  Now they yelled at him, and they did it in front of everybody.  That was embarrassing.  Like I said from the very beginning, there are a lot of people in the program who don't want to be there.  They are there, like Mike, by court order. 

     I often wonder how could this program be better.  Do you kick out the ones that don't want to be there?  Wouldn't that include Mike?  At certain times, it would, at other times it wouldn't.  I guess they know what's best for their program.  I remain silent!

     The end of January Mike was on edge, by now we could see it.  We tried to talk to him.  We asked him to let us in, let us help.  One morning we awoke to find him gone.   He slipped out in the middle of the night.  The bedrooms in this house have sliding doors out to the patio.  It was very easy for him to escape through these doors.  I checked and the sliding door was unlocked, he must have thought he'd be back before we noticed him missing.  His bike was still here he walked. 

     He didn't have a beeper anymore, so we couldn't beep him. Now we were getting the attitude of the little dog lost:  Leave him alone and he'll come home wagging his tail behind him.  I always went and sat on his bed when he disappeared like this.  I guess I thought I might feel something.  I felt confused, hurt, fear, and anger!  I said the Our Father and the Hail Mary, and then I put him in the hands of God! 

     This time he came back the next afternoon.  What a surprise!  He said he went over to crack town, met some guy, and before he knew it the police were there.  They arrested the two of them for prowling.  Good job!  He spent the night in jail and about five in the morning they let him post a twenty-five dollar bond and released him.  I'll be damned if he didn't walk right back over to crack town and get stopped again.  This time they let him go.  Mike said at that point he figured it was time to come home. 

     Later that same day after I had been out all day with Mom and Tom we stopped by the house, he was gone again!  Big Mike and Amy stayed home and while I took Mom and Tom home we looked for him.  We didn't see him anywhere, so I dropped Mom and Tom off and went home.  Again I put him in the hands of God. When I got home Big Mike and I sat and talked.  What do we do next?   "Should we kick him out?" Big Mike wondered.

     I said, "No!  We can't give up, if you do one thing in life, you raise your children; your children are the biggest investment you will ever make in this world.  We can never give up!" 

     We talked about what we could do; take his money away, his credit cards, everything, gold chains, and the ones that were left anyway. 

     At some point in the conversation, Big Mike was getting on my nerves; I said maybe he would be better off dead.  When Mike and his dad had argued in December, Mike had told us both, he was going to sit there and kill himself and let us watch.  That was why I said maybe he would be better off dead, that and to get his dad off my back!  Big Mike always made me feel responsible for these problems, not that he meant to, but that's how I felt.  All the while we were talking, Mike was right outside the window, listening to every word.        

     Finally he came in, looked at me and said vehemently "better off dead huh."

     I felt my face redden, although I wanted to die right there I said,  "you just wait, the only reason I said that is because you said you were going to kill yourself and let us watch.  Is that what you're doing Mike when you go over there and do these drugs, because either the drug or the neighborhood will kill you.  I don't want you to die!" 

     God I felt so bad that he had heard that!  We talked for about an hour after that.  Another tears shedding, heart wrenching, night.  Mike said he went back over there to see if he could find the guy with his beeper, he wanted it back. 

     "What for?"  I asked.  "It has been disconnected, it is useless now." 

     I still felt bad and I will for the rest of my life for letting those words come out of my mouth! 

     Beth said I shouldn't feel bad, she said Mike will have to accept responsibility for making you feel that way.  She told me Mike has to choose to stay clean, Mike, and only Mike, will make the difference!  Beth told me to stop beating myself up, "Mike knows how much you love him, if he can count on anybody, he can count on his mother, he knows that!"

         Beth went on to say that he would have to learn to deal with the consequences his addiction would bring, the more consequences he had to deal with, whether good or bad, the better off he would be.  Beth also knew he was trying very hard to recover. 

     The next week was Beth's vacation; she came to Florida with a friend.  They went to the Key's.  I didn't see her until the following week; she came to spend a couple days with me.  We were sitting up late one night talking, Amy and Mike were in bed and we had asked Big Mike to go to Taco Bell for food.  While Big Mike was gone I asked Beth, "Would you go in there and talk to Mike, he's getting antsy again.  Maybe he'll listen to you." 

     "I can't go in there and preach to him when I've been drinking for the last week nonstop."  She said.

     "Okay" I said, "I'll just go let him know I know what's up!"  I went in his room, he was gone, and so was his bike! 

     I called Beth to come in there.  Beth couldn't believe it; she had just asked him if he wanted something from Taco Bell.  He was there not ten minutes ago. 

     Big Mike got back and we told him what happened.  He said he hadn't passed him on the road.  We ate our food, not tasting it.  I asked Big Mike to go check the neighborhood; he was already heading for the door.  Beth and I sat nervous, "this is very scary,” she said. 

     It was bitterly cold out there that night, twenty degrees and he was out there. About thirty minutes had passed when I heard a car door.  Was that one or two car doors? 

     In they came Big Mike had found him, he said walking his bike, he had a flat.  As Big Mike passed him they looked at each other, is that he, they each asked themselves?  Big Mike turned around and pulled off to the side, Mike came to the car, put his bike in the trunk and got in.  They were both afraid to talk to the other.  Big Mike didn't want to pressure Mike, he didn't want to have to fight with him, he tried to talk, and “Let's go home." was all he could say.

     I asked Mike when he settled in his room, "are you going to stay in." 

     "Yes" he said. 

     I looked at him and asked him "what kind of control does that drug have on you, to take you out on a night like this?  You could freeze!  You have to be in control!  Don't let it control you."