Chapter 12

     His dad left and went back to work, Mike, Amy and I cried. I told him, all you have to do is tell your dad you don't want to go, he won't make you go. 

     Mike said, "No, I'll go stay at grandmas, something has to change."  He cleaned out his room and packed his belongings.  Again Mike, Amy and I cried and said good-bye.  I couldn't bear to see him, my first born, my son, pull out of that drive way and leave home under these circumstances. 

     I came back in the house, Big Mike was home now, sitting at

the kitchen table.  He said, "Mike's on his way back to crack town, he's going to be using until he runs out of money or worse." 

     I said, "No, Mike is going to grandma's house." 

     Big Mike didn't seem to like the fact that he had someplace to go, again he said, "If he wanted to be clean he would be clean.  He likes doing the drugs and he'll do them until he can't do them anymore." 

This conversation was reminding me of my sister in law, Patrick’s wife, who was a drug abuser herself, putting my son down, I couldn't take it anymore, I called him Lou and said, "our relationship won't survive if something happens to our son."

     I had asked Mike to call me or have grandma call me when he got there.  It only takes half an hour to get there.  I called

there, he wasn't there yet.  He did go back to crack town.  I hated it when he proved his father right.  Three hours later, my mom called to tell me he was there.  He was there and he was

all right.

     Of course we didn't go to Busch Gardens that weekend, Amy was heartbroken, but I explained to her, I couldn't go there after her brother got thrown out of the house.  She was mad at all of us. 

     The next morning mom called, "Mike wants you to come and cash his checks," she told me.

     "Mike can go to your bank and cash them, he has an account there.  If he can be there by noon, he has half an hour, tell him to get moving, I'll be by later."  I said sadly. 

     Big Mike didn't want me to baby him, he was trying to make a point, a point that I didn't understand.

     We took Amy horseback riding that afternoon, she enjoyed herself.  It wasn't Busch Gardens, but she had stopped complaining. 

     When we finished dinner that evening, I headed to mom's, Amy went with me.  Amy was upset with her brother, her father, and me.  The poor thing was too young to understand the magnitude of it all.  Of course, Mike hadn't gone to the bank. 

     "Mom," Mike inquired hesitantly, "can you cash my checks?

     "I didn't make it to the bank either, I don't have enough money to cash your checks."  I stated dryly, but lovingly.

     "Can you leave money so we can eat pizza tonight?"  Mike cajoled. 

     "I'll leave twenty, that should do it, shouldn't it?  I questioned, looking him square in the eye!  The words that weren't said, spoken loudly between our souls!

     "Yeah," Mike acknowledged shyly. "that should cover it."

    I stayed for a little while, he seemed okay, but, not yet ready to clean up his act.  All I could do was pray. 

     On my way home I stopped at a friends house, Mary greeted me at the door.  She was such a good friend, the best friend I had in Florida.  I'd only known her for 4 years, but I could talk to her, and know that was as far as it went.

     After I poured out my heart to her, she felt as bad as I did.  "Peggy" Mary said, "you have to let go, your codependent.  Let Mike be responsible for his actions.  Let Mike grow up."  

     I thought about this on the drive home, had I taken too much responsibility for Mike's life?  Had I made excuses for him? 

                    * * *

      Mom told me Mike had been out all night.  I asked her it he looked high?  "How does he look when he's high?"  she asked, confused. 

     I tried to explain, "Sweaty, buggy eyes, he looks like a deer caught in the headlights, that's what Mike looks like when he's high."

     "I don't know!" Mom replied irritated.

     "Has he eaten anything?"  I asked.

     "No, I asked him if wanted dinner, but he said no."  She answered.

Mike told me he was gonna see his counselor, to request she put him in Detox, but he was afraid she would send him to jail.

     "That's what she told me she was going to do Mom, she said if I came in there dirty one more time I was going to jail!"  Mike cried.

     "Well that's not what she told me, she said, you were painting yourself into a corner.  She was giving you enough rope to hang yourself.  Then she was going to put you in rehab!"  I argued.  "Will you just call her!  She can't come through the phone!"

     Five minutes later he called me back.  "She wasn't in, she'll be in tomorrow.  I'll call her then."  Mike said relieved.

    He didn't call her the next day, or the next.  Then he said she wouldn't take his call, she wanted him in person.  I called her then.  She was very abrupt "Just tell Mike to come in!"  she ordered.

     "Can't you just get him in Detox?" I pleaded.

     "I want him in here!"  was all she would say.

     Finally I called Detox, and someone there told me to call his counselors office and have them make the arrangements.

     This time I got a different counselor, I told her how bad it was getting, how his dad had thrown him out.  How he wasn't handling life.  I begged her to tell me what to do!  Then she told me to have Mike at the Detox center 9 a.m. the next morning, a bed was available and they would hold it for him.

     I went to Mom's to get him and bring him home before he went to Detox.  I said "I've come to take you home, I'm not leaving without you!"

     His angry reply astonished me.  "I'm not going home!" 

     Not used to being talked to like this, I stated!  "Yes you are!  Get up, get packed, and let's go!"

     Again he angrily told me "NO."

     "You have to come home, your going to Detox tomorrow.  You have to be there by nine in the morning."  I pleaded.

     "How'd you do that?"  He inquired.

     I explained to him the events that led up to this, but he still would not agree to go home.  He did however agree to be ready to go at seven in the morning.  I would come back then.

     "He won't be there."  His father said. 

     "Yes he will."  I replied hoping Mike didn't prove his Dad right yet again.

     At six a.m. Saturday morning I pulled myself out of bed and headed for Mom's house.  Sure as s**t, his car was gone when I got there!  I went inside, my brother Patrick, in the process of leaving his wife, had spent the night.  "Patrick I yelled, waking him up, where is Mike?  When did he leave?"  I quizzed him.

     "He was here at four, I don't know where he went!"  He replied sleepily. 

     Where does he buy his drugs, Patrick?  I asked angrily.

     When Patrick answered, Me and Mom were out the door and on our way.  We drove through crack town, looking up and down every street, we never saw him.  Defeated we headed back.

     When we got there Mike was waiting for us.  He was so cracked up, he looked scared to death.  I actually yelled at him!

     "You owe Grandma money, do you have it?"  I asked.

     "I'll write her a check."  he said.  He sat down and wrote it out, then continued packing. 

     "Okay, let's go."  I said, "we'll get your car later."

     "I'll drive myself!"  He stated.

     "You get in this van and quit messing around!"  I said raising my voice.  You could actually see him wither up, I felt so terrible.

     "Come on Mom, let me drive myself. I'll take Patrick with me if that will make you feel better."  He said.

     Looking at Patrick, then Mike, then Mom, I was at a loss!  But he won.  I told him I would meet him there.  He would have to wait for Patrick to get ready, he should be about ten minutes behind me.

     I sat at that place for half-an-hour, waiting, circling the block.  Where were they?  I screamed to myself!  Finally I went home.  I called mom's, no they left long ago.  I went by Patrick's, not there, I went to the office, finally they called.

     They said they had been looking for me.  They didn't have to look for me, all they had to was call! 

     Big Mike and I went up there, Mike looked at his dad, his dad looked at him, They hugged, his dad cried, "I hate to see you like this."  They hugged again, it was the saddest thing to watch.  They said how much they loved each other. 

     Mike told his father he was sorry.  Patrick and I waited for them to take him inside, Big Mike took his car to the shop. 

     Mike asked us to leave, he said he'd be okay, he didn't want his sister to see him go in. 

     We said our good-bye's and we left.