Chapter 9

Over the next month Ryan begins to feel better than he had since September. He regains a little bit of the weight he had lost and his attitude seems to lighten. He still wears the hat from Bri. It makes the others feel better that he's looking a little bit healthier, gives them a little hope, which makes him almost question doing this to them because it only means more grief when the walls crack and soon the effects of the chemo will be replaced by equally destructive symptoms of the leukemia.

Every day he starts to fade just a little bit more. He has a hard time finding the energy to do things he used to love. He doesn't talk nearly as much as he used to. The change is gradual and they wouldn't even notice if it weren't for the fact that every move he made was being watched. Every night someone would stay over his house; sleep on the floor or in the chair just watching him, protecting him. He tells them to go home, that he will be fine over night, but none listen. It makes him feel good to know that they love him that much. But it still is annoying, he complains that it was really hard to sleep when someone is staring at him, they snort like it was a joke and don’t comply with the request at all.

Everyone at school seems to either want to give him a hug. But Peyton is intimidating. At all times. Even when she is not physically present, so people stop acting like he is going to drop dead at any moment and treat him like he is just sick, which he guesses is a little better.

It's all great until he remembers that the reason they are cramming in the love is because he is dying, not that he ever really forgets. They are all trying to fit a lifetime of memories into a few short months, which is suffocating.

The knowledge's always there, at the back of his mind. Sometimes he wishes he could forget, but he can't. The others might think he's a little better, but he’s not. It’s the cycle of denial.

He's tired all of the time when he is awake and he is restless when he tries to sleep. He can’t catch a break. He has to take a nap during the day or he would fold from exhaustion. He hates that more than anything. He doesn't want to spend what little time he has left asleep. It isn’t fair. Then again neither is cancer. Neither is dying, and it is definitely not fair that the clock keeps ticking away the time to the 18^th birthday he would never reach.