Chapter 3

Moving in day for Peyton

Chapter Three

 

Lightning cracked again close by bringing Peyton momentarily back from the awful memories that still seemed to consume her.  Letting out a heavy sigh Peyton surveyed the dark skies wondering whether or not to dart from the car to get into her home.  If she ran now she would be soaked but would be in the comfort of her home.  This was the only home she had ever known and she only had a few days left before she would be leaving it.  She unbuckled her sandals, threw them in her bag and ran up the driveway, then bounded up the steps taking  two at a time to the wraparound porch that encircled her Grandmother’s Victorian style home.

 As she stood in front of the parlor door, she shook herself off and tried wiping her feet off on the fuzzy doormat.  As she was turning the doorknob, her Grandmother opened the door and stood there holding a fresh warm towel for her. 

“I knew you couldn’t wait much longer, Peyton!” her Grandmother said adoringly as she looked up at her soaking granddaughter.  “Patience has never been your strong suit my dear” she added while smiling at her.

Smiling back, Peyton accepted the towel.  Her Grandmother was always there, no matter what happened in her life, she always knew just how to soothe her whether it was a simple towel or helping her through the grief of losing her parents and now Franklin.  

“Thanks Oma!” She said while still trying to keep her smile.

 Oma was an endearing German word for Grandmother and as far back as she could remember she had always referred to her as this.

“Honey, you need to dry off and get out of those clothes.  You are soaked young lady!” she said as she helps rub Peyton with the towel.  “Well, how’s your list going?”  She asks. 

“I’m getting there, just a few things left to do before I go.”  Peyton answers.  “I can always put this off for a few months, I could go next semester.  That would give me more time here with you to help you get everything in order before I go.”

 “Not a chance Sweetheart” her Grandmother Replies, “I am set for the season with my garden and you need to be able to take this chance.  You should have gone away a few years ago and now is your chance to start focusing on yourself.”

As Peyton is thinking of how best to respond to her Grandmother, she hears the phone ringing down the hall. 

“I’ll get it Oma.” She says as she heads towards the phone still trying to rub her hair dry and leaving a puddle of water trailing her as she makes her way down the hallway.

 When she answered, she recognized instantly her best friend Erin’s voice on the other end.  Erin had been a dear friend to her throughout her life.  They became best friends in third grade and had been inseparable. Erin was the opposite of Peyton in every way, looks, personality and outlook on life, but for some reason or another it was a relationship that worked for both of them.  As they continued their conversation about Peyton’s upcoming arrival at Slaton College, Vivian fetched another towel and began wiping the rain puddles Peyton had carried in with her as she had gone to answer the phone. 

Upon placing the phone down in the holder, Vivian asked how Erin was doing and Peyton let her know all was well and that Erin had wanted to see how the packing was going and to see if she needed any help getting to campus. Erin had already been attending Slaton for the previous two years and was so excited that her best friend would be joining her as a roommate in the dorms.  Erin was a serious student and had engrossed herself in studying to become a vet and was never interested in the social side that college life could provide.  Peyton knew this would be a perfect distraction for her and would help her focus on the new life she would be starting.  School would be a blessing; she would immerse herself in studying with no outside distractions or social activities.  This would keep her safe, no need to trust men and get involved in any relationships.  She was ready to just trust in herself and see where this new adventure would take her.

Author's Note

Please review if you can! Thanks

Reviews

[RAOrourke]

ah and so I have bonded with your young lady so full of hope for the future...Nice job indeed. I did find myself wishing for a bit of description of "Oma".. was she silver haired with glasses or? Just a thought, maybe slip a few in there like she could push her glasses back up in place of the light could catch her hair.. hmmm just a thought dear, but I love it and I am in wait of the dark secrets.

[RAOrourke]

Thank you so much for the review and thank you also for the honest feedback...will be working to re-write descriptions!

don't change too much as.. I really do like it so far...

[Stephanie M]

It's nice to see Peyton going in a positive direction with her life. She's had such a rough start. Good job.

[TL Boehm]

Nice bit with the introduction of the grandma. She is believable and a great offset moment for what Peyton has gone through.

[myself]

I have read all the chapters and it's a pretty good story so far. I like it how I feel your characters, you seem to have portrayed their personalities very well even without directly saying what they are like (and sometimes you do describe them, I know.) I am not sure whether I find this story original or not. I have never read anything like this, but it seems familiar. I think it would be great if you shocked us. It doesn't matter if you make me angry or sad or disappointed or absolutely thrilled by what you write, I just hope that this story won't leave me with this "meh" feeling. I hope you understand what I am trying to say. :)

As for the writing on the outside, I think you could make it better by changing or adding some words. You see, I am not a native speaker, yet I understood every single word through these 3 chapters. I don't like that. It doesn't feel like like you're using the full potential of your language. I am not, however, saying that you should make your work so complicated just to appear as if your vocabulary was as broad as Churchill's. I simply believe that you should be brave and use words which I'm sure are lying in the back of your head, but still you go for the safe ones. Be brave, take risks. You're a writer, you should be all about the words, not running away from them. As for the sentences themselves, they are mostly very fluent and the story is easy to follow. I don't think some "harder" words would change that.

I could imagine this book being read on the beach, but please, please don't make it a cliché. I'll keep reading your chapters, though I hope you won't leave me indifferent. :)

[Ashira Macy]

Yay for going to college with her best friend. I wish I had done that, it probably would make things a lot more bearable. I love Oma, you can tell right off the bat that she is just the sweetest old lady ever, and ready to do whatever it takes to make her granddaughter happy.

One thing: You do the whole story in past tense except for these next couple of lines, so I would just change them to past tense as well for consistency.

As Peyton is thinking of how best to respond to her Grandmother, she hears the phone ringing down the hall.
“I’ll get it Oma.” She says as she heads towards the phone still trying to rub her hair dry and leaving a puddle of water trailing her as she makes her way down the hallway.

[RAOrourke]

Thanks for catching that! I had written in past tense first, then reviewers on another site had said do present, I started changing it and then didn't know which I like more!

[Ashira Macy]

In my personal opinion, past tense is easier to read. But that may just be me. You have to go with whatever you are more comfortable with.

[The Black Warrior]

College is a new adventure, to which requires self-respect, self-discipline and self-control...I know why I am saying this ;) LOL

[RAOrourke]

Thanks so much for reviewing!!

[The Black Warrior]

You're welcome!

[Khyati]

One thing I would like to point out. You change from past to present tense in your story, maybe, unconsciously.
This is an abstract from your writing piece....
"Honey, you need to dry off and get out of those clothes. You are soaked young lady!” she said as she helps rub Peyton with the towel. “Well, how’s your list going?” She asks.
“I’m getting there, just a few things left to do before I go.” Peyton answers. “I can always put this off for a few months, I could go next semester. That would give me more time here with you to help you get everything in order before I go.”
“Not a chance Sweetheart” her Grandmother Replies, “I am set for the season with my garden and you need to be able to take this chance. You should have gone away a few years ago and now is your chance to start focusing on yourself.”
As Peyton is thinking of how best to respond to her Grandmother, she hears the phone ringing down the hall.
Read it and you will see. You use 'said' that is a past tense ans asks and all that is present tense. You should avoid that. Everything else works for me. You are going great in terms of the story. Revealing facts one by one. I like it ;)
May God bless you. It was nice. Keep going... okay?
Don't feel bad when I point out the mistakes it is for you only. okay, girl? I

[Dalton Holt]

First thing I can say, this is way too short. This is maybe a page, not a chapter. In fact, there isn't enough for me to review. I think you should just morph this into chapter two or four. I can say though that when Eric calls Peyton you should use more dialogue rather than narrative. Also, I think again this needs more detail, but I'll stop saying that now.

[Nikki]

As much as I love where Peyton is going here I feel there's a relationship a-coming

[SweetNutmeg]

This would be a good place to work in some dialogue, which always makes things come alive. I'd love to hear how Erin sounds and how the young women interact. Dialogue would also be a great way to slip us some information about Slaton or Erin's veterinarian dreams. "All the information you need can be given in dialogue," is Elmore Leonard's advice.

[RAOrourke]

Thanks dialogue is my weakness! lol

[SweetNutmeg]

Practice! Dialogue makes things feel real and immediate. I am always finding new writing exercises and reading about writing techniques, and there is an awful lot out there about dialogue.