-2- Tantum

-2- Tantum

A Chapter by RyanXIII

Aiden gets to visit his nations capital for the first time and is very impressed. Our story begins to unfold.


- 2 -



Aiden’s footfalls rang out through the drawbridge as he slowly walked across and entered Tantum. He moved slowly in awe of its magnitude, his head spinning taking in all of the sights on offer. Past the walls are the four and five storey housing buildings with stunning patterns and filigree etched from the ground to the roofs, he could hardly keep his mouth closed, never before had he seen such lavish design on the outside of a building, back home a building was built to fulfil its purpose, never a second thought on looking beautiful whilst doing so. He was walking down a street with these buildings on either side of him, there were off shoots every few buildings going left and right to here and there. Half way down the street Aiden noticed the babbling and bawling of what could only have been a street market, it grew louder and louder, this must be one big market! He finally reached the end of the street which opened up on to the market square it was a free for all, people shouting prices and waving goods in the air and customers snapping them up just as fast, it wasn’t a brash spectacle, it just seemed to be the way things worked around here, too much to buy too little time to do it, everyone seemed quite content.

“We can take a turn around the market if you wish Aiden but first I think we should see the doctor and get your wounds looked at” Olgen suggested.

“Yes, please, lead on”

Olgen turned right and they skirted around the market, Aiden couldn’t help but watch the keepers and customers bartering over their wares. Although he had no gold he was more than excited at the idea of having a look around. They turned down an alleyway which was also brightly cobbled and kept spotlessly clean. They emerged from the alleyway on a long street much wider than the streets of houses, this was a street lined with shops and a tavern and at the very end was a bank. They crossed the street and headed towards the doctor’s which was the last building on the row. ‘Doctor Skalap’s Medicines & Surgery’ Aiden was little sceptical about visiting a doctor he didn’t know but he thought any doctor had to be better than the drunken fool they had back in Knoas. Olgen entered and Aiden followed.

“Good morn doctor Skalap”

“Ahh good morning master White” Skalap was pleasant with Olgen it seemed they were close, then it hit Aiden, of course he is pleasant he is talking to the lord’s nephew.

“My friend here is injured, cuts on his chest and back, I wrapped it up just like you showed me but I think it needs your attention”

“Very good Olgen you are a bright pupil” Skalap opened the cloak Aiden was wearing, “It seems you may very well have saved his life” Aiden didn’t know if this was true or just Skalap’s way of building Olgen’s ego.

“Is there much damage doctor?” Aiden asked.

“No, no I will need to put a little powder to help congeal and stop infection  then wrap you up again and you will be right as rain in a day or two” Aiden was impressed, in Knoas a cut could bleed and weep for days before the drunken doctor found a way to stem it. “Please remove your cloak and shirt and lie on the table here” Aiden did as he was told. “Now this may sting a little… I lie, it will hurt quite considerably” Skalap tried his hand at comedy to calm patients. He tipped a small vile on its side peppering the wound on Aiden’s chest with the blue-green powder. Aiden bit his lip to stifle a scream, it burned.

“Lord! That burns like the sun!” Aiden remarked.

“Yes it is quite a potent blend hence its rapid effect” Skalap retorted, “Please if you would roll on to your front now. Aiden again did as he was asked, dreading the inevitable agony of the second dose. Again Skalap tipped his vial and this time Aiden couldn’t help but scream.

“You flaming son of a harlot” Aiden yelled.

Olgen coughed out a laugh, he had never heard anyone refer to Skalap in such a way. Skalap on the other hand howled with laughter, so much so his shaking hand continued to dust Aiden’s back with his powder causing him to scream in more and more pain. Aiden couldn’t take the agony any longer, he rolled off the table to avoid yet more powder and slammed to the floor in a dusty thud. Skalap laughed even harder and climaxed with a throaty cough.

The doctor eventually calmed himself, “I’m sorry my friend, please let me help you up” He hooked Aiden’s arm and pulled him up. “You have quite the tongue young man”.

“Please accept my apology, that pain was unbearable”

“Worry not sir, worry not, I haven’t laughed like that since my wife died” This time Aiden and Skalap shared a laugh, the joke was lost on Olgen.

Skalap gave Aiden a fresh dressing on his wound and sent the pair on their way, “Be careful out there sirs, dangers lurk around every turn”.

Back on the street Olgen suggested they visit the tailor to get Aiden some new clothes as it was only a few shops down the street, Aiden agreed, seconds later they were outside the tailors. ‘Baldon’s Finest’ was on the sign above the immaculately polished window, they entered through the door and the pleasant ding of a bell welcomed them.

“Welcome to Baldon’s. Hello there Olgen young chap, how can I be of service today? Have you ripped the strap from your quiver again, I fear my buckles simply aren’t resilient enough for a boy of your strength” Aiden felt nauseous at the blatant way the shopkeeper was sucking up to the lord’s nephew.

“No, no not today, I have a friend who needs some clothes” Olgen replied.

“Ah hello sir, Wart Baldon is the name awfully pleased to meet you, I see you’ve been in a spot of bother there, step up on to my pedestal here and I’ll have you measured up”

Aiden did as asked “I’m afraid I have no money Mr Baldon”

“Fear not chap any friend of Olgen’s is a friend of mine, we have an understanding he and I, isn’t that right my boy” He looked over at Olgen who nodded. “And call me Wert for heaven’s sake”

“Thank you Wert, much appreciated”

“Not a problem now let me see you need a new shirt, pants, boots and best get you a coat also. Are you dressing for comfort, movement, warmth, enlighten me?”

“Well I need to be able to move freely and need the clothes to last”

“Indeed, not a worry, it will take me a while to get your clothes made up so perhaps you could keep hold of Olgen’s cloak another day and collect yours in the morning?”

Aiden looked over to Olgen to see if he agreed. “Of course Wert we will see you tomorrow, goodbye”

“Thank you again Wert, good bye” Aiden added.

“Till tomorrow chaps”

Aiden and Olgen left the shop and headed back towards the alleyway. “Come, let us see the market then I will introduce you to some more people about the city” Olgen suggested. Aiden nodded and followed, he felt like a child again he was that excited. They took through the alley and back out onto the market. “See now there is no real pattern to the stalls besides that the food is always in the west corner and everything else is free for all, let us explore.” Olgen could see the anticipation on Aiden’s face and was trying not to disappoint. They passed by stall after stall Aiden taking in all manner of sights, smells and sounds.

“Whats that?” Aiden pointed at a stall with a rainbow of vials and bottles lining the cover.

“A potion stall”

“And that?”

“He sells rare stones, they have the ability to hold enchantments”

“Really? What are they?” Aiden pointed to a table lined with what looked like rotten eggs.

“They are fossin, they contain small creatures which you can hatch and grow, some keep them as pets others as message carriers, and some even fight them for gold”

Aiden came to a sudden halt, his eyes were fixed on a jewellery stand, mystified by a necklace in the centre on a small bone stand. It was a silver necklace with a pendant hanging from it, it was a figure of eight entwined with intricate shavings of silver and in the middle sat flush in the piece was a red ruby, perfectly clear and beautiful.

“Wow that’s amazing” Aiden exclaimed.

“I made it myself sweetie” the voice came for the curvy middle-aged blonde lady behind the stand, Aiden hadn’t even noticed her he was so entranced.

Eventually Aiden snapped out of his daze “Oh I’m sorry ma’am, its stunning, truly”

“I’m glad you like it, I got the ruby from an old enchanter friend, he gave it to me before he died, he said it holds a secret power but could never work out what, I felt bad that it be left unknown so I decided to put it into one of my pieces in hope that one day someone would figure it out, perhaps it’s you?” It was either an intriguing story or an elaborate fabrication to draw in potential buyers, Aiden didn’t care either way.

“I could only wish, I could never afford such a thing”

“Why it is only one hundred pieces of gold my dear”

Aiden’s eyes widened “one hundred, I don’t believe I’ve ever even seen that much gold in one purse, I’m afraid your search continues miss, good day”

“Farewell my dear”

“I would kill for that pendant” Aiden jokingly told Olgen as they carried on through the market.

“I don’t think that would justify itself Aiden”

“Perhaps not” they shared a laugh.

Once Aiden had had a good enough look around the market to satisfy his curiosity they passed by the dried foods stall to get some sundried rabbit strips for a snack, Aiden had eaten rabbit cooked over a fire but never sundried with salt it was fantastic.

“Let us meet some more of the patrons, see if you can’t make some more friends”

As they were leaving the food corner Aiden heard a scream through the ruckus. “Get your hands off you little rat!” Aiden and Olgen span to see a man trying to pull a satchel from a female stall owner, they each had a hand locked to the handle in a tug of war. Aiden and Olgen ran towards the thief, he noticed the men running towards him and in a panic gave a final heave, pulled the bag from the seller and fled. The pair sprinted after him, he was devilishly quick, clearly a practiced thief. Olgen noticed the thief take a right and the end of the line of stalls, Olgen split off as Aiden continued onwards. The thief leapt over a table then slid under another kicking away one of the stall legs whilst doing so, this sent a flurry of jewlery and pearls across the path, Aiden jumped over it unhindered. Olgen ran as fast as his legs would take him down the row of stalls adjacent to Aiden’s. The thief reached a stall selling sparring staffs, grabbed one and spun around to confront Aiden, Aiden reached him and mid-sprint, slid to his knees to avoid the staff striking his head, he swept the thief’s legs away and he dropped to the floor but whilst doing so used the staff to gain leverage and spun himself back onto his feet and began to sprint again, Aiden followed. The thief was nearing the end of the second row of stalls, Aiden believed if he got around another corner he would lose him but as the thief reached the end his face met violently with a boot! It was Olgen he had intercepted the thief and surprised him at the last second with a roundhouse kick, his heel connected with his jaw and dislodged several of the thief’s teeth, he let out a growl of pain and a spray of blood as he flew to the floor clutching his face. Aiden retrieved the lady’s satchel, Olgen warned the thief never to show his face around here again and after delivering the satchel back to its owner they left the market square to some scattered cheers and applause from the surrounding shoppers. Aiden liked the feeling and liked it a lot.




A modest fire flickered away in a deer skin and oak branch tipi, it was the dwellings of Tantum’s psychic, Korick. He was an elderly man who wore a browning woollen long coat, not dissimilar to a poncho. Sat cross-legged he ground some flowers into a powder using a flat rock as a surface and another as a pestle. His trituration was interrupted as the fire flickered, this was abnormal and required his attention. Korick hurried his grinding as he knew the message may dissipate if it waited too long, finally satisfied with the consistency he took up a pinch of the powder placed in into his palm and in one quick puff blew it into the fire. The powder caught the flame like gunpowder it was quite a spectacle albeit a short one, after the flame calmed it began to produce fresh gusts of dully coloured smoke.

“Reach me with haste Goridon, I am ready to receive you”

Upon finishing his sentence the smoke began to warp and twirl it was beginning to take shape, slowly it pulled together and formed the shape of a face, it wasn’t in great detail but one could make out a hooded man with a great white beard, the beard was so long it seemed to entwine with the fire below. He spoke…

“Korick, it seems my foresight was correct, we are in great danger, we are to come under attack once more from the north only this time it is a far more evil soul who leads, we must prepare, his forces are few but immeasurably powerful”

With this the smoke began to creep apart, Korick panicked. “Who? Who’s forces?”

“Send a messenger to me I will explain” And with that the smoke dispersed and Gorigon’s face vanished.

Korick needed to get someone to believe him, surley now Gorigon the strongest psychic in the south of Fortisia had spoken up people would start to believe. What evil awaits us, Korick pondered, was it dark armies or goliath monsters, he shuddered to think that his nation could be engulfed in darkness and there was nothing he could do about it.

“Hello” a voice came from outside, “Korick, are you there old man?” Olgen popped his head through the hide cover. “There you are, may we come in, someone wants to talk to you”

Korick finally broke his daze and addressed Olgen “Oh, greetings, of course, please come in” Korick tried to gather some composure. Olgen and Aiden entered Korick’s den and took a knee around the fire. “And who is this?” Korick gestured to Aiden.

“This is Aiden, he was the energy you picked up last night”

“I see, how are you feeling Aiden, I felt you were quite in despair when I discovered you?” Korick asked.

“Im fine, that’s why I came here, I wanted to thank you personally, I owe my life to you…”

Korick interrupted “I’ll have no mention of it…”

Aiden retaliated “No, I insist, I owe my life to you and wish to let you know I will do anything you ask of me to repay”

“Well thank you Aiden I will keep that in mind”

Olgen pushed his way into the conversation “Aiden wishes to hear your tales of the end of Fortisia” he said this with a grin on his face.

“Please Olgen if you have come to mock me I ask you take your leave” Korick replied. Aiden felt a hint of anger towards Olgen for taking such joy in something the old man clearly believes.

“No we want to hear about the…”

“Olgen!” Aiden barked, he knew he had no right to shout at the boy who saved his life but he couldn’t bear to hear the boy taunt the old man. “I’m sorry Olgen, please let us leave” Aiden stood up and gave Korick a sorrowful nod. “I will return” he whispered to Korick as Olgen was leaving the den and then followed him.

Aiden and Olgen walked away from Korick’s den and back towards the city centre. “I’m sorry Aiden I forget myself sometimes”.

“It’s fine Olgen, I simply don’t believe in making fun of others misfortune, weather he is crazy or correct, surely we don’t have the right to ridicule him”

“Your right Aiden, I hope you don’t think less of me?”

“Of course not my friend, you are young, we all make mistakes” With this Olgen grinned with relief, already he saw Aiden as the brother he never had. “So who have I yet to meet?”

“Well the choice is yours we still have hours of daylight, we could visit Kerrie the alchemist, she is a fascinating lady and quite beautiful” Olgen blushed.

“I think we should visit her, to expand my knowledge of alchemy of course” Olgen took Aiden over a stone bridge which crossed a small stream that ran through Tantum, through what seemed like a park or leisure area where groups of men were throwing sizable rocks and a crudely painted sack of sand, and into yet another alley.

“What were those men doing Olgen?”

“Ah, practicing Cannon, it’s becoming something of a national sport, I will explain the rules to you one day”

Halfway down this alley was a wooden door with a star and a moon painted crudely upon it. Olgen knocked on the door.

“Come in” She had a sweet enough voice that was true. They entered into a dully lit room with an array of bottles lining the walls of all different colours and glows. The glows gave the room a very comforting energy. In the middle of the room was a large wooden table with pots and jars filled with all manner of liquids and ingredients, at the end of the table was some sort of rig seemingly used to heat or cook the ingredients Aiden didn’t know. Only then did he set eyes on Kerrie sat next to the rig and instantly Aiden realised what Olgen’s idea of beautiful was, short, slim and busty! He looked at Olgen, smiled and shook his head.

“Pleasant afternoon brave sirs, how might I service you today?”

Interesting choice of words, Aiden thought, “We have come to learn more of alchemy, would you enlighten us?”

“Yes, my friend is keen on learning of your trade and I simply wanted to be in your presence” Olgen added.

“Oh Olgen you are a frightfully charming young man aren’t you, come, ask me what you wish to know” Aiden and Olgen took a seat on either side of Kerrie.

“Firstly I wish to know what this piece of apparatus is called and what it does.” Aiden was studying the miniature connection of tubes and chambers.

“The main section here is known as a retort and the other parts here are bits I added myself as to give it more uses, I like to call her Jade. She is used to distil, heat and cool my concoctions”.

“And why do you need to do such things?”

“Well” Kerrie continued “In alchemy many ingredients need to be combined and some ingredients don’t combine with others naturally so they need to be helped along, this may mean boiling two liquids together then distilling them or heating and cooling powders with liquids or even other powders. What I am trying to say Aiden is that in alchemy it’s not just what ingredients you put together, but how you put them together that determines the results”

“Intriguing” Aiden had genuinely learnt something. “What do some of these potions do?” He wanted to know what they all did but knew they wouldn’t have the time.

“I work closely with Doctor Skalap, do you know of Skalap?” Kerrie asked and Aiden confirmed he did, “Ah good, well I make a lot of his medicines and cures. You see I study herbalism and coupled with my alchemy I make quite the healer. Most of the potions you see here are to cure ailments or to improve aspects of being that are already of good health”

“So you make ill people well, and well people better?” Aiden asked.

“Why that’s quite a way to put it sir, yes I suppose I do”

“I have one more thing to ask of you”

“Go on?”

“Could I try my hand at making something with Jade?”

“What do you have in mind?”

“I don’t know, what is the simplest thing to make?”

“Hmm I believe the easiest thing to make is a cure for a common cold, it only requires two ingredients, I’ll get them for you, would you open up the door on the burner and put a few more wood chips in for me?”

“Of course” Aiden opened up the miniature burner, flicked in a palm full of wood chips and closed the gate again. Kerrie returned with a vial of red liquid and a small wooden snuff box which she set onto the table. She instructed and watched as Aiden took a tiny spoonful of the powder and put it on the heat plate above the burner and exactly as Kerrie had instructed, waited for the powder to begin to pop with the heat before using a dropper to squeeze three globules of the liquid into the mix. The liquid balled up and rolled around on the surface spitting off green tendrils of smoke as it began to pick up the dust, as Kerrie had told him, Aiden had to stop this from happening by using the spoon to gently stir the liquid into the powder to form a paste. Once satisfied with the consistency Kerrie told Aiden to pick up the plate and put it in the bowl of cold water on the table, he did exactly as she said and was intrigued to see the plate float on the water’s surface.

“Aiden I am very impressed” Kerrie remarked, a tinge of jealousy hit Olgen. They all watched as steam gently rose from the cooling paste. “This mixture is very potent and could cure a cold twenty times over, so when it is cooled you will scrape it into here” She produced a bottle of boiling water. “And mix it in, this will dilute it and will provide many doses to be used whenever it is needed” Again Aiden did exactly as he was told and mixed the sludge into the water it turned a fetching pink colour as he stirred it. “There you have your cold medicine” She scrambled around in a drawer and produced a cork which she shoved into the bottle, the then took a sharp utensil and scratched ‘CM’ onto the side of the bottle, “there you go my dear, may it bring peace to your running nose, whenever it may come”.

“Thank you dearly,” Aiden smiled and looked towards the only window in the shop, the light was dull the sun was setting, “and thank you for the class but I fear we must be leaving”

“Yes we should head to the castle and see if uncle will let us spend the night” Olgen suggested. Aiden was excited by the thought of spending a night in the lord ruler’s castle.

“Goodbye boys” Kerrie said with a pleasant smile.

“Goodbye Kerrie” Olgen responded.

“Farewell” Aiden added.

­­­­­Aiden and Olgen left Kerrie’s and headed to the castle, “You will love the castle, Aiden”

On their walk to the castle Olgen told Aiden all about his uncle’s castle, all the weapons he collected, his dungeon which was built in a different time but is still fully functional, the dining hall that stretched the length of the house for when all the lords and ladies of Fortisia have their gatherings both social and political, all manner of art he had covering his walls from coats of armour to paintings and sculptures. It all sounded quite incredible to Aiden he especially wished to visit the dungeon.

The sun had just set when the pair reached the courtyard and the castle looked mystifying in the wisteria tinted twilight. Its towers stood well above the rest of the castle as lookout posts, it was rumoured you could see every edge of Fortisia from the capitals towers. On the top of the castle in the centre of the wall was the emblem of the south (a ‘V’ with an arrow protruding upwards from within). Aiden took a deep breath and pushed out his chest as a wave of patriotism washed over him. Even though he knew little of the politics that went on behind the scenes, he did know he would follow the Southern rule to the end, without question.

“My boy” A faint voice rang from the castle, it took Aiden a while to locate it. “Olgen my boy, come up and see your old uncle” only now did Aiden pick out a figure standing on a balcony about five floors up and off to the right.

“I’m coming uncle, you have a visitor also” Olgen shouted then started into a sprint towards the entrance, Aiden followed suit.

“Hurry my boy, you know I’m not long for this world!” Aiden took this as a joke because of the cackling laughter that followed.

The pair ran through the entrance, took a right then down a hallway to a stairwell, they climbed four flights of spiralling stairs then came out on to another hallway, they ran to the last door but one and Olgen rapped on it, it all happened so quickly Aiden hardly had any time to take in the sights. The door shot open with a bang as it over swung.

“Ollie you little pit rat, come here” The lord exclaimed as he threw open his arms.

“Ganny you old hairy hog” Olgen threw himself into a strong embrace with his uncle. Aiden laughed, Olgen let go and turned to Aiden. “This is Aiden, I found him in the forest outside the city he was badly injured”

“O dear, glad to see your looking better now Aiden”

“Thank you lord, yes feeling all the better now thanks to Olgen” Aiden couldn’t believe he was stood in the lords castle talking to him.

“I’ll have no more of that son, call me Vogan”

Aiden shook with excitement, he hoped it wasn’t visible. “Sorry… Vogan”

“Come in, come in, I’ve been working on my book, wont your hear some and tell me your thoughts”

“It would be an honour Vogan” Aiden responded, and looked at Olgen with quizzically, the lord of Tantum writes novels?

Olgen knew exactly what Aiden was thinking and responded in a whisper, “He is writing a book about his time serving in the Ord war” Aiden was very impressed and eager to hear some of the lord ruler’s tales.

Vogan sat down in a grand old worn leather chair behind his desk as Olgen and Aiden took a seat opposite him. “I’ve just finished a chapter about when myself and another ‘kos’ (an abbreviation of Knight of the South, this is what the southern combatants were known as during the war) Polin were sneaking along the western edge of the Ord to flank a group of mage, they were obscenely powerful and we thought this would be the only way to get the better of them.” Aiden and Olgen listened on in silence, it reminded Aiden of the nights telling tales with his father, only this time he didn’t know how the story ended. “We were just about far enough to get a sneak attack in and we heard a noise, it was one of the mages, he walked out into the open, we didn’t even try to run we both knew it was useless. As Polin tried to draw his bow the mage attacked…” Vogan pulled his chair closer to his table and lifted his writing ledger. “It took me quite a time to truly describe what happened next but I think I finally got it down on paper today let me read it to you…” Vogan pulled the spectacles that were resting on his forehead down over his eyes and began to read.

“The mage let out an almighty chant and an energy like I’ve never seen before exploded from his staff, it was like fire mixed with thunder and rage! This fusion tore through Polin’s skin like butter. The poor soul barely had a chance to scream before his face scorched and melted like that of a child’s doll. Within two seconds his clothes had disintegrated and his skin slid of his muscles in clumps, after another three seconds his entire body had blackened and oozed with boiling blood, by ten seconds there was nothing but an undistinguishable pile of burning crust and seared flesh left on the ground steaming and stinking up the air as the remaining blood and puss soaked into the soil” Vogan lifted his head and slid his spectacles to the end of his nose to look at his guests, they were awe struck. Olgen and Aiden were both wide eyed and open mouthed. “Well what did you think?” They were both lost for words.

After a short pause Aiden said the only thing he physically could… “How did you escape?”

Vogan laughed, “Well as this whole ordeal was taking place I was much like you boys, stunned. But I pulled myself out of it and drew my sword, I knew I would have no time to run at him so I raised it above my head and threw with all my strength, it was no easy feat I must say those swords were quite a weight, it flew through the air and pierced that evil worm right though the chest. I watched him choke on his own blood as he died.”



Aiden couldn’t sleep. Olgen had given Aiden a tour of the castle, the dungeon, the dining hall and even the training grounds, they had had a competition shooting arrows at a target from thirty feet by firelight, Olgen easily beat Aiden. At around midnight Olgen retired to his room and Aiden was given the spare room next door for the night. It was a large room, easily four times the size of his bedroom in Knoas, it had art on the walls and a grand four poster bed which was amazingly soft and comfortable, but still Aiden couldn’t sleep.

I have to go and see him.

Aiden got out of the bed put on his trousers and Olgen’s cape and went to the door. The floor creaked a little but not enough to wake anyone. He made his way downstairs and out the front entrance onto the courtyard, he stood for a moment trying to remember the way back to Korick’s den then set off.

A few minutes later Aiden arrived at Korick’s den, he gently wrapped his hand against the hide entrance flap. “Korick, are you there?”

There was some rustling and movement, Aiden had clearly just woke the old man, “Who is there?”

“It’s Aiden, your visitor from earlier, may I come in?”

“Yes come, come” Aiden opened the hide flap and stepped into the den he took a knee in the same place he did earlier. “What brings you here boy?”

“I wish to hear of your prophecy Korick, I wish to know of the danger you foresee”

“I know the broods and elders alike do make such fun of my foresight, but tonight everything changed Aiden”

“How so?”

Korick explained to Aiden how he had received a message from Gorigon, a psychic far more powerful than the ones in any city or town. Gorigon has been blessed with his psychic powers since birth and has done nothing but mediate and train those skills ever since he knew what they were, people take his word very seriously. Korick repeated the message word for word, Aiden was frustrated at how blunt it was.

“Send a messenger he said, those were the last words before his message expired”

“I will go!” Aiden exclaimed.

“Hold it boy, this isn’t your problem to fix, we need an army”

“Yes and the only army the south had is now few in number, old and decrepit, we need a new army and I will be the first to join”

“I admire your spirit son, if you insist, you can make haste to Gorigon, receive his word in full and report back to Tantum. But I must warn you it is not an easy journey he resides at the top of Mount Ki and you must pass through the Grevid forest to get there, you must not journey alone a trio or quartet will suffice perhaps, but not alone”

Aiden could barely contain himself “It will be done, do we have much time?”

“The attack is not on the horizon, but it is coming, if you must do what you must, take your time and do it proper.”

“I will Korick”

“Take your leave for tonight, find some companions and return to me when you are ready, I shall direct you then.”

Aiden stood up and walked to the entrance “Goodbye Korick, I will be seeing you soon” Aiden took the same route back to the castle and made his way to bed without waking anyone. He still didn’t sleep.

© 2013 RyanXIII

Author's Note

I had such high hopes for this city i hope i do it justice, the story starts to unfold in this chapter let me know what you think. all comments welcome.

My Review

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Although I love your idea and the characters I kind of feel like you rushed into the plot. I think the scene where Korick sends Aiden off on the quest should be longer and more involved. But other than that good job!

Posted 10 Years Ago

again this is a good continuation, more solid dialogue. I liked the descriptions the use of color - green tendrils of smoke for example. Also I am curious now about fossin. When you finish and you start the editing process - watch for things like sentence length and run on sentences - this isn't a distraction from the story but the better mechanically constructed your work is the more opportunity you have to take it where you want to take it. I myself am horrid when it comes to run on sentences. Also - look for little things like words that are repeated - in the first few lines of this - see the word slowly for example. Sometime the only way to find this is to read the work out loud - when you're writing to get the story out again - its not a problem - write - then edit. I am enjoying reading this and I hope WC is helpful to you. We need more novelists here.

Posted 11 Years Ago


11 Years Ago

Thank you again for the comments, im glad i have caught your curiosity.
"..was built to fulfil its purpose, never.." Fulfill you forgot the second L
Tantum reminds me very much of New York :)
I like that you keep Olgen's birth relative. It's fresh and does change people around him.
"..enough for a boy of your strength” .." You forgot the period.
".. no money Mr Baldon”..." A period after Mr.
"...he was that excited. ..." You showed us that he felt like a child and by the way he was looking around the city. You did a great job of that you don't need to say it.
"..What are they?.." Should be those since you are talking about objects and not living things.
"...He spoke…" You don't need to say that just go right into the dialog
"..(a ‘V’ with an arrow protruding upwards from within).." don't need the parenthesis, you can go into deeper detail of the flag.
"..Olgen easily beat Aiden..." Thank you for not "god-modding" Aiden. Meaning making Aiden perfect at everything and pretty much unstoppable.
Ok not that we're past the nitpicky stuff you descriptions are beautiful, I can see the whole city perfectly in my head. Even your actions scene were very well done, which I think are very hard to do. In the last bit where Aiden goes to Korick in the night, you don't tell us the prophecy which was the whole point of him going, wasn't it? So I would add that in, and continue with it. Great job! Loving this whole fantasy war feel, not to many of these out. You pay good tribute to the genre while making your characters memorable and relateable :)

Posted 11 Years Ago


11 Years Ago

Thank you so much for your input im glad you are enjoying it, and i will have to re-read the scene w.. read more

11 Years Ago

Looking forward to seeing it all play out :)
I usually expect some slips when it comes to period writing. I am pleased by your fluid dialogue and even the descriptions and his thoughts do not waver.Very entertaining!

Posted 11 Years Ago


11 Years Ago

Thank you im so glad you enjoyed it
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Tense shift in line three. This line is also extremely long, referencing what he is seeing, his mouth, a memory of home, and an explanation of why home is that way. If what you are saying is important, take more time over it.
The next two lines are rather mundane -- you are describing walking down a street in a way that doesn't invite much imagery. Perhaps Aiden has a strong feeling about the place instead -- e.g. the houses are crowding out the sky.
Similarly, "this must be one big market!" seems a little bit mundane. To Aiden, would this not seem like four or five village markets all come at once? This would give a better sense of the scale of his expectations and how hard it is for him to cope with this new world.

Posted 11 Years Ago


11 Years Ago

Thank you for your observations
You are a very good writer. I like the description of the city and the castle. I like the buying of clothing and the good conversation. I like the use of old cure and potions. Thank you for sharing the entertaining chapter.

Posted 11 Years Ago


11 Years Ago

Thank you for your comment im so glad your enjoying it, more is coming soon !
This city seems just ever so beautiful, you described it wonderfully. It had an especially strong feeling of almost nostalgic qualities when Aiden and Olgen were walking among the streets and stopped at different places. It was warm and cheery, and I loved that image in my mind of that community. I'm going to be very upset when you have to go and shake everything up, lol :)
And I am so very jealous of your dialogue! It is just so perfect for the time you created, and just how I would imagine the medieval era-like chatter to be.

I noticed in your comment that you were worried about your voice and style shinning through and I think you really can pick up on it as you read. Its wonderful, and I don't at all think you should worry about it. It comes out effortlessly in the way you pick and piece the words together and in the flow that makes the story so fluid.

I'm so very much looking forward to the next chapter, the suspense is definitely there. You'll definitely have to make sure I know when its up and ready to be read :)

Posted 11 Years Ago


11 Years Ago

Im so glad you enjoyed this chapter, it was one i was hoping to make a big impact. The dialogue is o.. read more
Yet another impressive chapter. You are very good at description and setting the story. Some people rush their stories, but you have a nice pace going. I also like the old-school way the characters talk to each other.

Posted 11 Years Ago

1 of 1 people found this review constructive.


11 Years Ago

Im glad you like it thanks for the comment on the pace too i didnt know if i was rushing or not, and.. read more
I really tried to put across my own writing style in this chapter i hope you pick up on it and enjoy it, i try to make everything flow nicely and the speech to roll sweetly off the tongue. This is all to show the peace and tranquility that is rife right now so th reader feels it a lot more later when the equilibrium is seriously shook. Let me know what you think.

Posted 11 Years Ago

0 of 1 people found this review constructive.

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9 Reviews
Added on April 30, 2013
Last Updated on April 30, 2013
Tags: fantasy, war, adventure, archer, battle



Northumberland, United Kingdom

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