Part IX, Afterworld

Almost done!

IX. In a sultry morning, when night-butterflies die,
On a dusty road, thirsty and famished
Walked on the burning sand the good Spirit.
As he reached the doors of the city,
Where the poor of soul were many,
Came unto him the voice of these souls.

And the Spirit said unto the poor of soul:
“Children of love, I am there, I am there
To assure you in all the you are
And to listen the harmony of your heart.
I am your accomplished self, in all the truth
Of your being; dwelling in your brightest fire.

And though Fear might seize your being,
Remember, even the flickering Star is undefiled,
And burns until you choose to reach it.”
And so Spirit fused into Men,
And he looked for Spirit in every corner of Earth,
But not within himself.

Reviews

[Elise Anton]

"To assure you in all the you are" To assure you in all 'that' you are???

"And to listen the harmony of your heart." Grammatically, there should be a 'to' after the 'listen' ??? "And to harken/heed the harmony" or some such other verb for listen if you are avoiding 'to'???

"And he looked for Spirit on every corner of Earth," ...' in' every corner????

[Elise Anton]

Okay. I am diving into uncharted waters here, since you know I am not a poet in any recognisable forrm. The title drew me in, both because I know a bit about Greek Mythology and also a little about Astronomy (Mars and so on).

I don't read this style of poetry. Yet I can see the merit, as such. Errenn wondered about whether you were drawing the reader in enough to press for the next 'chapter'. If this were prose, I would have to say no. As a poem/story however, I did read till the end. Was I confused at times? Yes. Did I have to read over at times? Yes. This is no glib page-turner, it requires participation and mental affirmations - yes, I agreed as I followed, so you did accomplish this objective.

Where I was uncomfortable was in the constant use of 'Men'. My mind kept trying to read 'Man', self-correcting along the way. I fought it, but truthfully, it jarred enough to be a concern for me. In several instances it contradicted the neighbouring verbs. I get this is intentional on your part, and in the first Chapter it flows quite well. As the story progressed however and I might go chapter by chapter and point out my concerns, it just didn't work for me.

A few typos - not sure if they are intentional, again speaking as one who is clueless as to the 'formalities'. I will again go chapter by chapter and query those.

Did it grip me? I got the symbolism and the evolution and the triumphs and tribulations. I followed the 'flow' - something you have a mastery for. The ending though. It bothered me because it felt like I was being 'explained to', if this makes sense. Like I was given closure. Was this your purpose?

It takes a great mind to write something so interwoven and protracted, keeping the same premise throughout. I sincerely am in awe of you. Not because you stand by your principles but that you also dare, in this age of bits and bytes, to offer up true language, in the spirit of the Masters. I will probably re-visit it several times, it deserves further consideration.

As to your question whether to expand, I can only say if you need to ask, then something is also causing YOU unease. None of us can rule either way, I believe this is something you need to contemplate alone. Yes, the ending was problematic for me, but that's just an opinion from a novice, really. I am not your audience, another fact to consider.

I am and will remain one of your staunches supporters. I don't offer reviews because I am incapable of doing so. I do read though, and value your stance, you know this. So I'll read again, chapter by chapter and point out my difficulties, for whatever worth they may be to you :)

[Stefano Segnan]

I will answer here and not each singular review.
You noticed by now that I utilise Men as singular... because it is a proper name, hence the capital latter. Therefore all the stated "grammar issues" linked to it are the same.
This is NOT the ending chapter, I still haven't published the tenth part because I am still writing it. Now, there is a reason why I use Men as a singular noun, but that should be clarified in the last chapter. I was considering changing it to Man, something Solar also pointed out, but I decided against because one of the points of the story would disappear. I hope the last chapter will be satisfactory with this point.

Also, the intention was to make it slightly confusing and mysterious, as I took the style from the Old Testament.

As to the question of expanding it: as I stated, it is something I wrote long ago. I was still a teen. I remember clearly the idea, but can I recreate my state of mind when I wrote it back then? I find really hard writing that tenth part after almost a decade.
I decided expanding it, but not as a continuation. I am going to add a "Book" and expand this "universe" with a different setting but with the same spirit.

Thank you very much for these reviews, it helped clarify some things.

[Elise Anton]

You know me Stefano, I speak as I see, so thank you for taking the time to clarify those things. A shame you cannot recreate the intention and certainly, knowing that you wrote this as a teen further reinforces my opinion of you as a rarity among poets. Aplologies, I did miscomprehend about the last chapter, thus my confision. Looking forward to reading it :)

[Stefano Segnan]

Your reviews are most useful.

[Solar]

I liked the way you worded this poem, challenging the reign and priesthood of reason and reviving the essence of spirit.

The themes reminded me of a poem 'In the Moonlight' by Sri Aurobindo.

[Stefano Segnan]

I read only a few things written by Aurobindo, but you have picked my interest again. I am going to check this poem and probably his other works as well.

[Solar]

this has his works - with a useful 'keyword' search,
http://incarnateword.in