Symphony of Pain

Symphony of Pain

A Poem by Thoctar
"

Decided to combine Flames of Hatred, Disintegrating, Ice of Indifference, and Succumbing all into one cautionary tale. A Symphony of Pain. Learn and Enjoy. (Note, a few old lines have been changed)

"
Symphony of Pain

As I look back upon those days
As my emotions flowed over me
Breaking me down
Causing so much pain to everyone
I was foolish,
Come hear my masterpiece
As the sounds of my sufferings shout to the heavens
And create my Symphony of Pain
Now all those who hear this
Listen to my words of caution
Hear this chilling refrain
Of my Symphony of Pain

The Flames of Hatred shine so bright, the sickly blue flame always burning…..
Burning through humanity, burning through reason, destroying all the thoughts….
Flames of Hatred blinding to the truth, deluding the purpose
I will not be consumed by the Fires of Hatred….I refuse to die to the Flames of Hatred

 Consuming rage, overprotection, destroying everything good
Worse then what you hated…..To protect them, you ended up hurting them
You don’t want to hurt them, but in the end that’s the worst thing of all…
The Flames of Hatred are consuming me….I’m dying to the Flames of Hatred
 
No..I wont die….No…I wont do that to them…They don’t deserve that….
I refuse to do that to them…..For them ill put out the flames…..
Not for the person the flames were kindled by…I’m not making peace for their sake
Im doing it for the rest, they’ve done so much for me….they don’t deserve that….
 
I will not do this to them….Not them…..Ive done all I can to help them….
And maybe that’s the worst part of all, delusion to the point of madness
I wanted to help them….and ended up destroying everyone….
Destroying their minds, their lives, their souls….
Im sorry everyone…Im sorry for everything…Im sorry for letting them consume me
 
The flames of hatred shine so bright, the sickly blue flame always burning…..
Burning through humanity, burning through reason, destroying all the thoughts….
Flames of Hatred blinding to the truth, deluding the purpose
Flames of Hatred consuming me….

Disintegrating

Disintegrating
In front of your eyes
As you see me
As you see me fall apart

When all the long-forgotten days come rushing back at me
As I think of you, oh selfless angel
Everything that has happened to you
I do not wish to hurt you
But sometimes I fall apart

This disintegration
Taking everything that holds me up
But do not think you are at fault
It is my fault alone

Disintegrating, losing my form
My form which has been burnt by the Flames of Hatred
My power taken from me, being made into a pawn
A pawn of my emotions
I cannot stop them

If only I could
Keep my form
Disintegration taking apart my speech
My body, mind, and soul

Oh selfless angel, why must I do this?
Why must this happen in front of your eyes?
Why must I make you feel powerless?
Why must I disintegrate?
Into Nothingness?

The Ice of Indifference

I have been burnt by the Flames of Hatred
I have disintegrated so many times I can no longer comprehend them
What now?
What will strike next?

What could be worse than Flames or Destruction?
But the ice
The ice of indifference
It is closing in on me

If it closes in on me, if it swallows me up in its cold embrace
I will lose all empathy, all emotion
I will cause irreparable pain….
Horrible, terrible pain

At least with hatred you care about them
you can care about others
Indifference…
Looking upon all the same, upon all with nothing

Blank looks from the eyes
Looking forth upon the world
That is what you will see
If the ice consumes me

Slowly advancing
Covering burnt and destroyed ground
Building upon it all
Until I can no longer resist

And once, my ability to move, it slips away from me
To resist, to escape
I shall no longer be able to live
Survive possibly, but not live

I cannot be swallowed by the ice of indifference
Therein lies the destruction of all
Flames merely burn, disintegration merely does away with the body
The Ice traps and destroys all
Or rather makes me want to destroy myself for it

Succumbing

Here I lie under the sun
Majestic golden orb of light
Life-giving, earth-shattering, beautiful
And yet I am succumbing

I’ve been given wealth
I have all the possessions I could ever need
I live neither in poverty, nor hunger
And yet I am succumbing

I look upon all of them around me
The blinded, shuffling masses
Going about their lives
And yet I am succumbing

I have endured the Flames of Hatred
I have disintegrated into nothingness and resurrected myself
I have broken out of the ice of indifference
And yet I am succumbing

And what did I succumb to?
Complacency, self-assurance, arrogance
Overvaluing myself and what I thought I knew
When really I knew nothing

And now I look back upon those times
I could have made all the difference
Fallen not into false hopes
But to see the truth

If I could have been happy
And not succumbed
To hubris, to overvaluation
Pretending I was a hero

Complacency
Laziness
I refuse to make an effort
Thinking that if I just waited
It would all work out in my favour
And yet…if only I could have waited
At the crucial moment
And spared them so much pain

And now I am succumbing
Passing it on to all who surround me
Run, run while you can
My rotting corpse is a death trap

If only I could have stopped myself
I would not be succumbing
I would not be dying
And killing all those who surround me
Bringing them down with me
Why, why did I have to do this?
If only I could have stopped…..
I would not have succumbed

I would not be succumbing
I have survived all else…
I have endured the Flames of Hatred
I have disintegrated into nothingness and resurrected myself
I have broken out of the ice of indifference
And yet I am succumbing
Why now? Why ever?
I cannot bring them down with me
I refuse to bring them down with me
I cannot let them succumb with me


So? What do you think of it all?
As I look back into that time
Into the days of yesterday
i wonder what I could have done 
To change it all
For who was I really harming all those times?
Every time I was burnt, fell apart, froze myself, or died?

And now go forward, and with this symphony 
Ringing in your ears
Remember, your suffering is not simply your own
Do not repeat the mistakes of the past
Or someday You may be playing
Your own Symphony 

© 2010 Thoctar


Author's Note

Thoctar
Any and all comments, criticizing or otherwise, are welcome.

PS: I know it is kind of long, but it is all of my old poems in one, and I didn't feel like cutting parts out for those few who actually read my old ones.

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Well I certainly hope this was a fruitful journey for you maestro... it sounds like those times I have teetered upon the brink of the abyss- fallen in and woken up in some place I didn't recognise... usually coming down off something or still drunk! A lot of my early work is reminiscent of this actually, so I'm assuming we share similiar fears of failing to protect those we love- especially from our own failings as human beings and abandonment. I guess I came to look at this type of deeply introspective/existentialist/esoteric thinking was- 'at least i give a s**t enough to think that deeply!', but I eventually gave it up for the wider world anyway. I think these 'stream of consciousness' internal musings are exceptionally theraputic and it is good when they turn out to have a universal element that readers can relate to. I think this does that to a larger extent though it did feel mildly self-indulgent toward the end, (I'm guilty of very similar- it's a b*****d trying to end such things in a way that is inclusive, or as I said, 'universal'), but all in all an entertainingly angst ridden read that i could relate to... possibly a bit too much for my liking!
Wanted to add my thanks for all the reviews you've left me too- sorry i'm not around much- kids and christmas are hard work and so I write prolifically in my leisure time, but not much time to read at the minute! I will of course reciprocate your generous offerings at the nearest time possible! Hope you have a good christmas if I don't hear from you before, take care, spence

Posted 9 Years Ago


1 of 1 people found this review constructive.




Reviews

Well I certainly hope this was a fruitful journey for you maestro... it sounds like those times I have teetered upon the brink of the abyss- fallen in and woken up in some place I didn't recognise... usually coming down off something or still drunk! A lot of my early work is reminiscent of this actually, so I'm assuming we share similiar fears of failing to protect those we love- especially from our own failings as human beings and abandonment. I guess I came to look at this type of deeply introspective/existentialist/esoteric thinking was- 'at least i give a s**t enough to think that deeply!', but I eventually gave it up for the wider world anyway. I think these 'stream of consciousness' internal musings are exceptionally theraputic and it is good when they turn out to have a universal element that readers can relate to. I think this does that to a larger extent though it did feel mildly self-indulgent toward the end, (I'm guilty of very similar- it's a b*****d trying to end such things in a way that is inclusive, or as I said, 'universal'), but all in all an entertainingly angst ridden read that i could relate to... possibly a bit too much for my liking!
Wanted to add my thanks for all the reviews you've left me too- sorry i'm not around much- kids and christmas are hard work and so I write prolifically in my leisure time, but not much time to read at the minute! I will of course reciprocate your generous offerings at the nearest time possible! Hope you have a good christmas if I don't hear from you before, take care, spence

Posted 9 Years Ago


1 of 1 people found this review constructive.


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Added on December 19, 2010
Last Updated on December 20, 2010
Tags: Story, Poem, Pain, Suffering, Symphony

Author

Thoctar
Thoctar

New Liskeard, Northern Ontario, Canada



About
Interested in history, politics, ideology, really anything intelligent. Always willing to accept criticism, I can only get better. I write poems occasionally, I never saw them as good, but some friend.. more..

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