Journey

Lost the picture in the wipe... sorry.

Journeying down your body, I taste the clouds of heaven,
The cotton candy puffs floating in your solar hair.
Hints of kisses float behind your ears,
Cascading over your cheeks with fire's devouring passion.

At your mouth our lips meet with sweet expectation,
Mixing our honey together in our crytal kiss.
My tongue tingles and jumps as it meets yours,
A blue explosion of icy shivers crawling up my back.

At your neck, your gleaming pillar, I find a gateway,
Sliding down the milky skin that makes my heart skip and jump.
At your shoulders I find a hug worth holding forever,
And a perfect place for just a few more kisses.

Your arms are my final resting place,
The garden of Eden on both sides of me.
Your fingers were made only to be kissed,
With hands only fit to be held gently by flowers.

I rest on the bounty of your breasts,
Like a drunken man in this ecstasy.
The clock doesn't have enough hours
For me to spend with your body here.

Your belly merits showers of kisses,
Being the most graceful of your parts.
To think it can hold the child of our love,
A living vessel to hold our passions.

Reaching your hips I'm growing hungry,
My hands tremble as I hold them.
This, the center of your body,
Makes my eyes like starving lions.

Your legs like living statues
Hewn of cream coated silver.
Withhold what I'm seeking next,
Covering a gleaming fortune.

When I thought I had covered it all
Your beauty continued to astound me.
For when I had finished my daunting journey,
I found your back just as exciting!

Reviews

[L. L. Jacobson]

Dear Benjamin,

I first want to thank you for sharing such a beautiful and wholesome poem with every writer/reader whose eyes have just read this. You are right, this is how a sensual poem should be.
To think that some special woman could be such an extraordinary muse to your great talent, she must be honored for this gift of emotions, thoughts, and words.

This is my favorite stanza:
Your belly merits showers of kisses,
Being the most graceful of your parts.
To think it can hold the child of our love,
A living vessel to hold our passions.

I absolutely love the title of this poem and I think it resonates harmoniously with the journey it takes for true love in purest form, which seems to be such love, as in this poem. A journey for the complete understanding and appreciation of one another; roads taken slowly to be certain of "the one"...oh, my love just "does it" for me, and this poem made me so happy, smile from ear to ear, to think that there is such a tender side a man can bestow to show his lover his precious love; how great you are for feeling this, writing it; showing her.
This poem is breathtaking, full of sensuality and love in the highest spectacular muse!
Truly a beautiful, beautiful poem!

[Anna Marie]

As a whole, this list poem was so delicately erotic and wholly sensual that, if I were the subject of this poem, it would send shivers through me. A journey from top to bottom of one's lovers body with the aid of numerous kisses. It was terribly passionate.

This line, "And a perfect place for just a few more kisses" stands out of the poem to me. It offset me because of its blandness when compared to the rest of the poem's word use.

I found it rather delightful, otherwise.

[TL Boehm]

Mmm. this is a mouth watering poetic endeavor. The metaphors are sublime - and yes it is warmingly erotic without going off into the vulgar...beautifully written. Almost a sonnet. delightful.

[Atlanta Carter]

This is a difficult poem for me. Your excellent metaphor masks what seems to me is a deep-seated flaw. It is a list to me, rather than a journey. As a reader, I feel that you are just describing your lover's body from top to bottom, rather than delving into her soul. This stanza is indicative of what I'm driving at:At your neck, your gleaming pillar, I find a gateway,Sliding down the milky skin that makes my heart skip and jump.At your shoulders I find a hug worth holding forever,And a perfect place for just a few more kisses. It only touches the surface. What really make your heart skip and jump? Many women have milky skin. Why hers in particular? What is the gateway you find, and where does it take you? What makes her hug worth holding forever? "And a perfect place for a few more kisses," really sums it up. It has no depth - almost like saying "a chair is a place to sit." That's a little crude, but you don't take anything to the next step. What makes you want to sit in that chair especially - hence kiss that spot?What makes your lover different than all other lovers? Here's another famous list poem, but see here how she personalizes, transforms and enlightens each "way."Elizabeth Barrett Browning (1806-1861)How do I love thee? Let me count the ways.I love thee to the depth and breadth and heightMy soul can reach, when feeling out of sightFor the ends of Being and ideal Grace.I love thee to the level of every day'sMost quiet need, by sun and candle-light.I love thee freely, as men strive for Right;I love thee purely, as they turn from Praise.I love thee with a passion put to useIn my old griefs, and with my childhood's faith.I love thee with a love I seemed to loseWith my lost saints, --- I love thee with the breath,Smiles, tears, of all my life! --- and, if God choose,I shall but love thee better after death.She takes you on a journey from a simple love to a love that is even better after death. I suggest you think of the journey your love takes metaphysically, rather than physically. There, your metaphor can take you and your reader to a higher plane.As I said above, your metaphor is generally excellent, although perhaps too thick at times. The pacing and flow seems steady and could perhaps use a little more spice where her legs "withhold what [you are] seeking next." You could dwell on what they withhold more - it's the goal of your physical relationship. Why not go ten shades of purple there? Instead, you use a complex metaphor to describe the legs, not your "gleaming fortune." You also repeat "gleaming" in the next stanza, describing her back, and use "journey" in consecutive lines.The bottom line is to make the poem more goal-oriented - describe the journey rather than the road along the way. I hope I haven't been too picky and cruel here - it's a good poem, but there is so much that could be even better.AC

[Creepy Swine Guy]

As I have stated before, it is so very difficult to review poetry because here before you lie the drippings of someones heart and soul. You are asked to make a judgement on it a sterile judgement, suggestions of what to add or take out. Like a surgeon with sterile tools coldly sewing and removing body parts with no knowledge of the person within.

Ugh.

But as I read your poem, I see a product of a person's obsession, a tribute to another person's beauty that any woman would surely be flattered to be the subject of (I'm assuming here.) As a crotchety old man, I've probably lost some of my appreciation for sheer physical lust, but it is clearly done with style here.

One failing that I see in myself is my inability to pick up on all of the imagery. I see her with golden hair, but the "clouds of heaven" symbolism escapes me. I fully believe that it's probably quite clear and I'm just a tad dense.

I like that when you reach the area that might allow you to slip from eroticism to something far less beautiful, you resist the urge to do so.

You've done an excellent job with this and I enjoyed reading it.

[Callie Bookman]

A very sensual poem. Great images! It did feel very raw in a lot of places, though. I think a quick edit through would do a lot of good. The last line in particular kind of got to me, it felt out of place. Overall, great piece!

[Krystal Waters]

My honest opinion! EROTIC! Envoking, sensual, arousing, consuming, demanding, earth shaking, dream making. All I will say is after reading this... I felt like I needed to take a cold shower. Very vivid, wording excellent, precise tuning into the mind of the reader. Beautiful in color and grace, dignity, love, emotions. Your poem is the essence to what everyone wants. I loved your poem. I think one of the finest one you have written thus far, that I have read.


Krystal

[Melissa M.]

Beautiful poem, definitely the best of yours to date. I love the way you travel down the body interpreting each seperate part. The only line that bothered me was "Your arms are my final resting place", because you continue on with your exploration even though you mention this part as final. I'm sure I interpreted differently than you meant, but that is how it came across to me.

[David P. Eckert]

I think the overall structure of the poem works, the description following the contours of the body, the journey downward. You have some very nice images

At your neck, your gleaming pillar, I find a gateway,
Sliding down the milky skin that makes my heart skip and jump.
At your shoulders I find a hug worth holding forever,
And a perfect place for just a few more kisses.

though you might be better not repeating the "at your" in this stanza and the prior one, and there are a couple of words I might change here and there. The second "our" in the 2nd line of the 2nd stanza would be better as "a." Some stanzas are very strong through and through, especially the last two. It's worth continuing to tweak with the adjectives in a couple of places, either to work on the sound or to make the images more unique to your own language. I think for something you view as "raw" you've done very good work.

David

[Siobhan MacIntyre]

Wow! That was breath-taking!You've managed to write a very intoxicating, reverent study of passion. Very tasteful and elegant: an enamored man's tribute to his lover. It is riveting, and I love the "fade to black" as to what he is doing with his lover's delightful parts. This is sensuality, seduction, passion; the other works you allude to (very vaguely in the description) fall short of this mark. This is a poem that makes one's palms sweat, heart race, and cheeks flush. There were a couple of areas that, in my humble opinion, could be reconsidered:At your mouth our lips meet with sweet expectation, � Perhaps remove the "At your mouth", because the next stanza repeats it, and it throws the reader out of the passion of the moment.The clock doesn't have enough hours For me to spend with your body here. � Something about this last line...it just doesn't have the same resonance of desire as the line before it. I can't quite put my finger on it; it's something with the eloquence in the first line waning by the second line. Possibly something like For me to spend in worship of your body.For when I had finished my daunting journey, I found your back just as exciting! � This last line falls flat; it doesn't do justice to the line before it. Perhaps this is because my husband has always said the sexiest thing about a woman is her bare back, and that has just stuck with me. Possibly something like I found your silken back intoxicating would keep the sensuous feel of the poem.Again, these suggestions are only my opinion. You have a wonderful done wonderful work here, regardless. ;-)~~Siobhan~~