They Were There, Watching Me

Part 6: They Were There, Watching Me.

Regression Level: Medium.

This post will be broken up into two parts so that i don't break the character limit, the first will be looking back at an event which was only partially blocked out. The second will be posted later, detailing more of what happened the very first night when i was 8.

A man will do anything to escape memories of his past. Put his mind in a situation it cannot handle or rationalise and it will either suppress it, alter it to make it more plausible or plague him until he cannot take the pressure and decides to do something about it, be it a temporary solution or a more permanent one. I chose the latter.

It's 2006, I'm 14 years old and I'm preparing for what I consider to be the end of the line and a release from the terrifying vista that is the waking world. My night terrors had become so severe and my depression so crippling that this became my final option. School was no help, my friends were supportive and did what they could to listen, but I kept so much of it to myself that they simply thought I was going through a rough patch, my scars were always hidden away so they were none the wiser. As is very typical with people who suffer from depression and suicidal thoughts, the signs can be ignored and misinterpreted.

It's a Saturday and my family has gone to Southend to visit an elderly family member for the day. Plenty of time for me to do what i need to do. I remember being filled with adrenaline, but with an overwhelming feeling of remorse. I knew someone, most likely my parents, would discover my body after it was over. It would break their hearts, but I strengthened my resolve and remembered why this had to be done. I could not live another day with those f*****g night terrors, nor could I handle climbing out of this pit of depression once again. Every time I fell into it, the pit was deeper and eventually became impossible to climb out of.
I'd prepared everything right and ensured a message was left behind. A recorded message no less, I was too much of a coward to tell people before i did it. I couldn't bear to hear them cry.

I stepped into my bathroom for the last time, iPod and earphones in one hand, a straight razor in the other. I locked the door and sat down in the middle of my shower, closing the sliding glass door shut behind me as I did so. A minimum of mess would be a courtesy I must grant my family, the last thing they need after finding me is to have to walk through my blood, too.

Coldplay's "The Scientist" starts to play and I'm aware it's finally time. I take the straight razor to the top of my left forearm and begin slowly splitting the flesh directly down my vein and…well you can imagine the rest. The chorus arrives in the song and my left arm has gone limp, I close my eyes and quietly chuckle at the awkwardness of the situation. I've cut too deep to go through my right arm and i'm growing weaker by the second. Like everything else in my life at that time, i'd fucked up.

The fear only kicks in when i open my eyes and see what's standing opposite the shower door, looking down at me.
My heart starts beating faster, the blood is pouring around my feet and down into the drain at an alarming rate and I cannot calm myself down. It was just for a split second, but i saw three black shapes just towering over me. It wasn't long enough to make any features out and i'm positive it was simply due to the blood loss, but it was enough to hasten my death.

The last thing I hear before passing out is someone calling at the bathroom door, accompanied by a very familiar sound:

Tap, Tap, Tap.

I wake up in a rather unfamiliar surrounding. A hospital. The place smells of ammonia and it's pitch black save for a small light at the orderlies station adjacent to my bed. My arm has been sutured up and a small IV with O Positive blood is being pumped back into my system. I feel numb, probably because of the morphine. But I don't dwell on it for too long, I'm scanning my surroundings in the hopes of finding someone else, my parents, a nurse, a fellow patient. But i'm alone in my own private room and there seems to be nobody waiting for me. Defeated, I lie back in my bed for a few hours and contemplate the events that lead me here; the horrifying night terrors, the depression, the bullying…All of it culminating in my botched suicide attempt in a bathroom.

What a way to go.

Then my mind travels to the still image of the black shapes and the incessant tapping, and my mind jolts me upright. I can't stay here, i need to be at home with my family, with some form of company. It takes some time, but after repeated presses of the button, a young woman comes in, enquiring what it is i need at 4 in the morning. She looks tired, worn down. I apologise and ask her if i can call my family. Her face softens slightly, a look of pity replacing the sternness. She helps me out of bed and leads me to the hallway to where the phone is.

I dial the number, looking forward to just hearing my mothers voice and letting her know i'm okay is going to ease my pain so much. But after continuous rings, nobody picks up. I shrug it off as it simply being very late and them not hearing the home phone outside their bedroom door. I proceed to call both their mobile phones and reach only answer phones. This is getting weird now, if they were waiting to hear from the doctor overseeing me after a suicide attempt, wouldn't they pick up the phone at a moments notice? I relent and call the home phone once more, if only to leave a message on the answer phone.

"Sorry, your call cannot be taken at the moment, so please leave a message after the tone."

Beep

"Hey mum…it's me…" I began, nervously.

"Look i'm awake and the nurse has let me call just to tell you that, so could you guys come up to see me? I want to go home…"

I trailed off, tears in my eyes as the guilt welled up within me, how could i put my own mother through this?

"…hehehe"

I nearly dropped the phone.

Whoever this was, it wasn't my mum on the other side.

"We were…" it began.

"Who is this?" I said, my hands shaking.

"We were so…" It repeated, mocking me with a soft hiss.

"Who the f**k are you?" I cried, hoping this was some kind of joke.

"We were so close…" The voice got alarmingly deep. The phone disconnected.

I near enough collapsed there in the hallway, the nurse swiftly running over and helping me back into my bed. I lay there, eyes darting around the room for any sign of them. She obviously noticed my fear and brought a doctor in. He explained that I needed to calm down and injected me with a sedative. The next few hours passed with a blur, i vaguely remember a small team of people coming in and observing me while a doctor explained the procedure to my arm. When I awoke, my parents were sitting across from my bed.

"Hello love" my mum said, squeezing my hand gently as they came into focus.

I had a million things to say, but decided to start with the most prevalent.

"I'm…i'm so sorry i put you through all this…" I began.

"It's alright, we can get you help." She said with a weak smile.

I felt calm for a moment, before nervously moving onto the question I was dreading.

"Mum…who was at home last night when I called?"

She looked at my Father before turning back to me, perplexed.

"Sweetie, nobody was home last night. We stayed in a vacant waiting room and slept there for the night. We didn't want to leave your side." She finished, smiling at me.

A chill ran down my spine, but not before she added on rather matter-of-factly.

"We were going to come in earlier on, but your friends were in here and we thought we'd give you some privacy."

"Friends? But…nobody came to visit me, ma. What did they look like?" I asked, my whole body shaking now.

"Oh we couldn't see exactly who, we just saw three figures in your room. The nurse said to come back later on, that you were still sedated at the time. I don't think she even noticed they were in there, it was passed visiting hours...

...Your friends must have really cared about you to sneak in like that."

Author's Note

I am still actually waiting on the 2nd portion of this part.

Reviews

[puppylover13437]

have you found out the second portion yet..... its been almost three years.