Adam

'Cosmic Journey' by Gary Girouard will really bring this piece alive - it portrays the emotion I wanted this piece of writing to have.

A love undefined by the rules of society. It’s what we all want. Something that will last through the years, painted with the colours and marks of time, but still standing true at the end of the day. Arguments that let us reveal the feelings we try and hide, to erase all the unease hiding behind the curtain, letting the cat out of the bag. But that’s not what matters at the end of the day. When it counts, we want to be loved, so strongly and fiercely, that we know it is our truth. Maybe not the real and honest truth for everyone, but it is the truth for us, and us alone.

He tells me not to drink coffee because it is addictive. But he hands me a fresh cup every morning anyway. It’s become our ritual in a way. I wouldn’t say it’s hypocrisy, more along the lines of me being stubborn. That I get from my late father. He, being my husband, hands me the coffee with a warning, and lets me do my own thing. It’s essentially like handing a small child a tiny toy and saying, ‘don’t put this in your mouth and choke on it’. But at the same time, it’s removing the walls of the small confined box that society, and our own judgments, put us in. He gives me some freedom.

The other day, and I remember this quite clearly, he came home from work, looked me dead in the eye and said, ‘You have no idea how lucky we are’. I could see the pain in his eyes, it was beyond startling. I knew he had tough jobs, some that stuck with him through the years, but never had he held such a tortured look so deep in his soul. I didn’t know what to say. Here he stood in front of me, asking me in his own way, to show him mercy. And I was at a loss as to how I could fulfil this need he had.

We never talked about work at home. Adam would always say that home was his escape. His escape from the real world, his own little paradise. I never pressured him because honestly, I didn’t want to know about the work he did. I didn’t want to hear about all the evil in the world. I didn’t want to know how somebody who had everything, suddenly lost everything due to a mental break down. It reminded me too much of my past.

I wouldn’t say I had a terrible upbringing, but it wasn’t that easy either. I lived in the shadow of my sister until the day she died. And then suddenly the spotlight was on me. I had to become her, I had to do the things she did, but better. My parents said to me once, and only the once, ‘she had to die for a reason. We don’t know what that reason is, but there was a reason that she died instead of you. Don’t let that reason be for nothing’. I think that was the day I lost myself truly.

I love my parents dearly, I’m not saying otherwise. I’m just, I guess I’m just saying that we all have our struggles, and mine was the missing trust in myself to be who I was meant to be. Adam was the first person to love me for who I really am. He saw the missing pieces in the puzzle and walked with me as I went searching for them. He saw that I was broken and lost, and offered me the love that I needed to walk again. I tried pushing him away because I was terrified of disappointing those who had supported me as I grew up, but he didn’t budge.

His favourite line used to be ‘Shut up Em. Just seriously, I’m not going anywhere”’. Well maybe it wasn’t his favourite line… but it definitely was mine. I hate being told to shut up, I love to talk, and I don’t like it when I have to be quiet, but when he said it like that, I knew. I knew that he wasn’t going to leave me, he wasn’t going to throw me away when I couldn’t meet his expectations, he was here to stay. He was going to weather the storm because he was adamant the sunshine would all be worth it.

You know when you are walking along the side of a road, whether it’s directly in town or more out in the less populated areas, and you see a large area of flowers? All sorts of colours, beautifully blending with each other, sharing the limelight. That’s what Adam is to me. He is all these different things, none of them more dominating than the other, but comfortably sharing the warmth of the sun. I’m not sure if it’s the different childhood that made him so open to sharing how he feels, or sharing himself with me, but something was clearly different in his life than it is in mine.

Watching him now, I could see the beauty of him more dominant than anything else in sight. The glistening of his eyes, the sweet lies falling from his mouth, the longing in his heart. He was, is, the most beautiful and serene person I have ever come to meet. I mean, you could say I am a little biased, after all I fell in love with him after I found myself. I fell so in love that it hurt to have to leave his sight. I couldn’t imagine a life without him. I was that in love with him.

I was lucky enough to become his wife. Coming home to him every evening, seeing him for everything he is, I was the luckiest woman on the planet. I could say with my whole heart, that nobody held such a place in his heart besides me. But there was going to be somebody else, we were meant to have a little child. A combination of the two of us, our own little bundle of joy to share.

Having a child of my own terrified me. What if they hated me? What if they struggled with their own demons the way I did? What if I turned out to be just like my parents? People do say that don’t they? That you end up being like your parents. I mean, I share my coffee addiction and my stubborn nature with my father. My mother and I both have this wickedly strong refusal for failure, the only difference is that she hates others failing, and I just hate to fail at things myself.

Adam was always patient with me. In the end I knew that I would be okay, I could be a great mother because Adam was by my side. We would be sharing this journey together, changing together, learning together. It was bound to make our love grow stronger than it already was, if that was even possible. But then as we all know, there is a hurdle around every corner. Some hurdles are bigger than others. But this wasn’t even a hurdle, this was a brick wall.

It was a bloody big brick wall. I couldn’t see any way around it, it seemed to go forever into the sky, and it was wider than the eye could see. I wanted to turn back and try another route, but I hadn’t walked this whole way with Adam to just turn around when things got a little hard. This was the one thing we disagreed on.

While he repeatedly cried out for me to walk back the other way, I knew that I couldn’t. Even if I wanted to, I just couldn’t. I wouldn’t get to see my daughter if I walked back, I wouldn’t get to see and love Adam’s face if I turned around now, there was no point in walking the other way. It was being selfish, incredibly selfish, and that was my downfall. It’s kind of funny if you think about it.

I gave up everything about myself when I was younger in order to please my parents, I gave up on my parents because Adam wanted me to try and find myself, the real person I was meant to be, both of those two major events that made me into who I am would be classified as the opposite as being selfish. And now I’m standing here, refusing to budge because I want to be selfish. I want to make this decision for myself, even though I know it’s only going to hurt me in the long run. Maybe Adam will one day see why I had to do this, but I don’t think he will.

Maybe she won’t either, our beautiful daughter. She was born yesterday, a little earlier than expected but she is healthy, and I can’t take my eyes off her. I can’t wait to see how she turns out, I can bet that she will be so much like her father. Kind hearted, full of love for everyone, but it wouldn’t surprise me if she carries my stubborn streak. It’s a strong gene that everyone seems to get, on my side of the family. Both my sister and I carried it, our cousins on my father’s side also carried it. Everyone on my father’s side was stubborn beyond reasonable.

Maybe Adam will be able to train her out of some of that. God knows it will help her in the future. I know that if I were the one telling her not to be so stubborn it would be hypocritical because I fail to overwrite my own stubbornness at the best of times. Maybe she will see the pureness of his heart and actually listen to him. I’ll have to pray for that. I’ll pray for the best of health for both of them, I can’t assume I will be around forever to see them. And Adam would hate to know I am thinking about my own death.

I wish that he won’t hold this against me, and I know that if this were any normal circumstance, he wouldn’t dare tarnish the memories he has of me… but nobody can tell what heartbreak will do to a person. And Adam hasn’t experienced that before, and he never should have to. But no matter which way I walk, I would be breaking his heart. I could stay and fight even though I know I won’t win, which will just be prolonging the heart break, and rip me to shred in the process. Or I could stay here, let go, and choose to let them live without wondering if they made the wrong choice.

There is no way for Adam to know that I’m not there anymore, I look the same, my chest is going up and down like it should be, but I guess hope is the cruel element here. Hope that I’ll open my eyes and tell him that I’m okay, hope that I’ll learn to breathe again on my own, hope that my heart will start beating again of its own accord. How is he to know that I died shortly after Lucy was born?

He hands Lucy to my mother for a moment, asking for a moment alone with me. My mother frowns at him, but takes her granddaughter into her arms. I can feel her heart exploding with nothing but love, it’s the only thing stopping it from falling to pieces on the floor. I can see the pain in her eyes, I can see it in all their eyes. It’s like they all know but Adam, they can all accept it but him.

“I love you Emily. Please don’t go, I need you here. Lucy needs you here. Please baby, please wake up” The wobble in his voice threatens to smash through the thick wall of glass protecting his tears from the current day. His large hand wraps around my much smaller hand, his fingers tracing the lines on my palm until they come to rest on my wedding ring. A beautiful gold band.

We wanted something simple, something pure. We knew we loved each other, we told each other so every day. The ring was just a symbol that we had decided to share our lives until we died. My mother couldn’t stand to look at my crying husband any longer, she walked out of the room taking Lucy with her. I was very grateful that she did so, I didn’t want Lucy to be in the room when my heart gave out completely. Maybe she wouldn’t remember it, but Adam would.

Adam pressed my hand against his lips, kissing them softly. Tears were now streaming steadily down his weary face, pain ever so present in his typically warm chocolate eyes. His chin was stubbly, he was meaning to shave yesterday but then Lucy decided she wanted to come into the world. He tried as best he could to keep his shoulders steady, to show the others that he could be brave for them. It wasn’t long before he rested his head on my chest, his entire body shaking with grief.

“I’m so sorry I couldn’t save you baby. I love you so much Emily, don’t you ever forget that okay? I know you’ll watch over Lucy and I from above, but I’ll never stop wishing that you were here with us” Adam had to stop for a moment to let the lump in his throat dissipate. “I’ll let Lucy know that you love her, and your mum, I’ll look after her too. I’ll make sure they are both okay until we all get to see you again. Say hi to your dad and sister from me baby. I love you” Adam held my hand with eyes closed, still praying that I would wake up.

I reached out for him, knowing I wouldn’t be able to reach him. I wanted to hold him and tell him that I love him too. To kiss away the tears on his face. But I had to stay true to my choice. This way was quicker, it would sting for a little but it would be easier in the long run. I was doing this for them. For Lucy and Adam.

“I love you more than anything Adam. You are my entire world, you saved me and gave me the best life I could have ever dreamed of. Little Lucy is my gift to you darling, look after her and love her more than you ever loved me. She is our daughter, our perfect little daughter. I love you Adam, please forgive me”

I had to look away. I couldn’t see the look on his face when it happened, it was painful enough hearing him cry out at the silence in the room. His body wracked with tears, he clung to my hand pleading for me to come back. Kissing me in hopes that it would save me from death. The way he poured out his grief into the room in hopeless despair that somehow, somehow, he would wake from this awful nightmare he was living. But it was the way he wiped the tears from his face with one last sob, the last lingering tender kiss on my forehead before walking out of the room, that was what utterly destroyed my heart.

He paused once at the doorway to gather himself. Paused to pull the grief back so he could take care of his daughter. To inform all the other grieving parties that today, the last Sunday of October, Emily Simone took her last breath. And to whisper once more into the silent room ‘I love you’.

Author's Note

I was only intending on writing a story that was in a way, a love letter from a woman, to her husband. But some times the story takes shape and leaves a different message than we were expecting.

Reviews

[Hatter]

This was amazing. The way the words could really pull you in. I was close to tears near the end. It is a beautifully written, all of Emily's feelings and emotions wee really conveyed.
The beginning was a little confusing, and when she was pregnant was also confusing but other than that amazing.

[WillaDanvers]

Thank you very much! Will try and remove some of this confusion!

[Coyote Poetry]

A wonderful story shared my friend. I liked the character and the story line. Thank you for sharing the amazing story.
Coyote

[WillaDanvers]

Thank you for leaving a warming review!

[Coyote Poetry]

A good story and you are welcome.

[Linda Marie Van Tassell]

The depths of this story are like tides, pulling you in, deeper and deeper. It is written with such sincerity that it is at once relatable and palpable. So often, we write with one intention but seem guided by an intent not our own. These are the ones that were meant to be written. The muse just takes your hand and writes what she will.

Life has so many uncertainties, but it has one certainty that outshines them all: love.

You wrote this with a deft hand and a beautiful heart.

Well penned!

[WillaDanvers]

Thank you very much Linda :) I appreciate your kind words!

[Kayla Amaro]

Wow. Just...wow. This story was absolutely beautiful. The way you crafted the story and the way you wrote it...I would call it artistic. There were so many emotions in play in Emily and Adam's situation, and I love how you exposed them to the reader and made them so raw. I felt the love, the joy, the angst, and the pain that they did: I really felt like I was taking this walk with them. This is such a great story.

Thank you for submitting it into my contest! And again, thank you for the amazing read! Keep writing!

[WillaDanvers]

Thank you very much for your amazing comment Kayla! :)