Chapter 16

As Rhoada and I became closer, people around us felt with envy; I couldn’t figure out why. I finally had someone to look forward to when I came to school besides Aicha, because she wasn’t in my class so I barely saw her. We began to skip prayers and bought Roti canai ( a traditional malaysian bread with curry) off the restaurant right next to the prayer hall. We would hide in an abandoned Girl’s changing room and eat there while we discussed our lives away. Aicha started to join us, too. We soon became the Three Musketeers, but little did I know, Rhoada was trying to manipulate Aicha against me. She would claim I was controlling although majority of our conversations were about her and how her life is a total wreck because of her religious parents. When we were caught skipping prayers, the Principal sent us all to counselling with a pale-faced young lady named Shabibi, who had lost her husband in a car crash. She was rather a very sweet person and we enjoyed her company. It didn’t take very long for her to realize we were troubled souls, desperate to find the light. She began to see us individually rather than as a group so we could talk to her.

I was called in by her one day and she explained how Rhoada felt. “She feels you’re controlling her life, and all you both talk about is you,” she told me. “Are you kidding me? Since day one all I’ve heard is how her life is so terrible and how she has sex with random people to escape the pain because that’s so noble. Her religious parents beat her and abuse her with no mercy,” I complained. She seemed confused. “Yes, ask Aicha if you please. She’ll tell you the same thing. You’re talking to me about control when all I’ve done is listen to Rhoada complain about stupid meaningless things while people out there have actual problems besides not finding someone to have sex with because mommy said no,” I went on. “What sort of problems?” she asked me. “Well, some people are sexually harassed. Some people never have their parents there for them. Some people have constantly been a target of hatred and abuse. Some people have just lost their bestfriend and now the person they loved and wanted to be with dumped them, too. Some people have real problems,” I hypothesized poorly. “Were you a victim of sexual abuse?” she quietly asked me. “Yes. All my life. You see these cuts? This is how I escape the pain instead of bitching to random people about it, and then claim theyre controlling me when they listen and help, “ I whined. “Let’s talk about the people who hurt you,” she suggested. “No, thank you. Wouldn’t want you to control my life. I’m leaving. Let Rhoada know she’s on her own now. I’m not getting paid to listen to her,” I said and left the room.

My next encounter with Ms. Shabibi was a few days, possibly a little over a week after. I had gone to meet my friends, Yazz and Heidi with Rhoada and Aicha. We had tried a doobie, because Yazz kept pushing us to, and a friend of mine who read that on my facebook wall told on us. I never understood why people made it their business to snoop in other people’s private matters. What i did know was we were in deep s**t, and I didn’t understand why because we had gone out after hours on a Sunday.. It had nothing to do with the school. I was going to be expelled, but sister Shabibi protected me saying I had been sexually violated so I cut myself and did such things to escape the pain because nobody in my house knew. I was shocked. “Why are you protecting me?” i asked her. “Because you remind me of me. Lost, troublesome. I found my way through God, maybe you will find your way through me because after all, there was a reason God wanted us to meet. Maybe He wanted me to help you, and so I did” she smiled at me.

My mother had been called, and finally, she knew. The principal showed little sympathy and still suspended me for a week, but my mother finally knew the reason behind all my madness and that’s all that mattered. I was forced to take an oath that i would never repeat my mistake and that i would try to find the light that leads to God and His ways of life. I just wanted to go home.

It was cold outside, but the car ride was worse. My mother didn’t say a word to me until we got home. I laid down on the couch and she said “ My daughter’s a druggie. It’s finally come to this.” Wait, what? Where was the sympathy? The tears? The im-sorry-I-wasnt-there-to-protect-you speech? What the hell was this? “I mean, sure, somebody touched you wrongly, so you decide to smoke blunts?” she went on. “Do you even know what those men did to me? DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA OR ARE YOU STILL SO DELUSIONAL THAT YOU FAIL TO REALIZE WHAT IN THE NAME OF GOD HAPPENED TO ME?” I yelled at her, and then went in my brother’s room where my sister in law was feeding the baby. I didn’t have energy for my mother’s delusions so I rested my head in her lap, and within a few seconds, I was asleep.

I woke up to the sound of my mother’s sniffles. I knew them all too well. I opened my eyes to her face right above mine, in tears. “Why didn’t you tell me how bad it was?” she sobbed. I guess she finally knew, but how? Just then, my sister in law returned, and she smiled at me. “ Have you met yourself, mom? you’ve always brought me down. You made me feel like a disgrace for getting my period although I had no control over it whatsoever. How could I tell you when you always mistreated me? I didn’t think you’d believe me, honestly. You never have,” I confessed. She looked ashamed of herself. “That’s why you’d cry at times, and call him a bad man. We never realized what you meant,” she recalled. She held me, and cried until I could feel her struggle to breathe. “Even now, when we got home, you still didn’t tell me. Maham is the one who filled me in otherwise I still wouldn't have known,” she said. “It’s okay. It isn’t your fault. I didn’t tell you because I couldn’t hurt you. It’s okay. It was just….fate, I guess,” I tried to calm her down. “I wish you told me sooner. I would have ripped him into pieces, that b*****d,” she cried. “I’m going to take you to a doctor so she can examine you to see if…” she paused. “If I’m not totally damaged and used up?” I added. “Don’t say that! Just...it’s going to be okay now. We can’t really tell your dad all at once, but I’ll start working on it. That man will never come near you again,” she promised. When she went to the kitchen to get me something to eat, I thanked my sister-in-law for talking to my mother. Had she not done so, my mother wouldn’t have had a wake up call. Ahh, finally. I could feel my mind easing up from the weight of my abuse that I had been carrying around all those years. Things were finally going to play out well, and my broken heart would begin to mend. I had found my peace in my mother, and she was going to be my savior.That night before I went to sleep, my mother kissed me goodnight, something she hadn’t done since I was a little kid. She whispered to me “ I promise it’ll be okay now. My poor baby, you’ve suffered enough” and soon after, she left my bedroom. I felt calmer than I had ever been and everything felt surreal. After a long time, i had slept like a little baby that blessed night.

That Friday, I packed a bag for the school camping trip, and since it was my first time camping, I was exhilarated but happiness was short lived when I realized we were camping in the back of the school grounds. Apparently, the hot weather and tents on the burning hot concrete was to built our fear of the Hellfire. Our principal was a nut job, and I was sure of it. Disgustingly uncooked fish and clumsy tents occupied with revolting individuals was not preparation for anything but rather pneumonia. I had my mother cook me several snacks and when I showed up to school with my bag and food, everybody gave me the “you’re-such-a-spoiled-brat” look. I didn’t care. It was better than the alternative. My mother hugged me goodbye and I caught up with Aicha, who was rather excited to get away from her abusive family. She lived with her grandmother and a little brother. Her parents were always away, her father being in Africa and her mother was busy partying in New York. Her grandmother was Satan, and I mean it. She would beat Aicha over unnecessary things, and I recall, she once punched and abused Aicha just because she got her period. Seriously, what was the issue with getting our period? First my mother, and then this. She also starved her and her little brother, who I often saw crying because he had been starving. I tried to make sure they had food whenever I saw them, but there was only so much I could do. I did promise Aicha that once we were all grown up and I had a place of my own, I’d adopt her, and make sure she had everything she deserved. A promise I intended to keep.

“What’d you bring? That smells delicious,” she drooled.

“My mom made some snacks. It’s for you and me. I made sure I had extras,” I told her. Her eyes lit up and I could tell she had been hungry. We were about to dig in when Satan (The principal, who’s actual name I dont even recall) interrupted us, and she looked pissed off. “What do you think you’re doing?” she asked. I swear to God I thought Aicha was going to piss herself, but honestly I couldn’t understand why everyone was so afraid of her. “About to eat?” I was confused. “No, you aren’t allowed to bring food from home. Hellfire won’t let your mom cook for you. You’re suppose to eat the fish and rice like everybody else, spoiled girl” she hissed. “Listen, first of all, there’s no food in Hellfire, fish or no fish, you just burn there for your sins, and second of all, I’m not spoiled, but allergic to fish. I turn red and choke even by the smell of it. Thirdly, muslims aren’t suppose to make judgemental remarks, so calling me a spoiled girl when all I did was take precautions due to my allergies doesn't do me justice,” I snapped at her, and in that moment, I was a hero to many students that she had been bullying over the years. Her face turned plum red, and for a second, I thought she was going to implode. “Oh, uh, well, my apologies. I was not aware you’re allergic and I certainly did not mean to make remarks. Carry on, then” she stuttered and hurried off probably back to Hell, where she belonged. “Damn, girl. You shut her a*s up. You shoulda seen the look on her b***h a*s face,” Aicha laughed. Two other girls also cheered for my “bravery” as they called it. It was actually funny. We began to heart til our heart’s content, and soon it was time for prayers. In the prayer hall during the recitation, numerous teachers began to cry and sniffle but I couldn’t understand the Arabic prayers. After that, we were distributed in groups for the tents. Aicha, Anisah, Neora, another girl, and I were in one tent. The heat made me such a b***h it wasn’t even funny. By 3:30am, I had been reading and explaining verses of the Quran to Anisah who was rather mesmerized. I don’t recall when I fell asleep, but we were woken up by the sound of a trumpet or something similar, around 5:30am for prayers. Aicha and I were heavy headed. We wanted nothing more than to just sleep. We sneaked out and ran towards the Nurse’s room where they had a bunk bed. We were knocked out cold within seconds.

It was few hours later that I woke up to the sound of Ms.Aizan and my mother, who had been trying to wake us up for over an hour. It was finally time to exit Hell and go home. “Your brother’s coming back tonight,” my mother told me. “Okay, I really don’t care” I answered. “Ahad’s coming with him,” she uttered, and those words hit my heart like shards of glass. “Oh.” was all I could say. I had no words.