Chapter 1: The day Sebastian went searching

   That day was just like any other, working with Sebastian, taking care of Cie- " Abigail was cut off by the sound of a bell. "Oh, god. What does the damn brat want now?" Sebastian said quietly. "Who the hell knows? We've been working for him for so long, why can’t he just fend for himself now? I mean, he is Twenty-Three years old for the lord's sake...." She replied. "I don't know. Let's just go before he gets mad at us." Both of them were annoyed with ciel by now. Ciel Phantomhive hired Abigail nine years ago when he was fourteen. Sebastian told her that Ciel ordered him to find another butler to aide around the Manor the night he found her.

~Rewind to nine years earlier~

Abigail's Point of View

   I was walking down the street happily; since I just finished my well deserved meal. I was with a human named Michelle for twelve years, and i finally got to eat. She made a contract with me to kill her parents, they were extremely abusive and almost beat her to death. She crawled out of her house one night; into my territory, where I was currently in my Owl form. She was speaking aloud as I flew by, which quickly grabbed my attention. "Please, please, PLEASE!! Someone help me," She started sobbing as she shouted. "I can't do this anymore, someone, ANYONE HELP ME!" I thought about it for a moment, and finally decided to show myself to this miserable human being. "What is wrong with you?" I walked up to the sobbing mess looking down to her. " I-i am done with this, can you help me get away from them?!" I was slightly confused, "Away from who? You are hurt. Who did this?" I showed some empathy so the human would trust me. "M-my parents, they hit me. I-I'm sick of it!" I smirked down at the show before me. "You'd do anything, won't you?" She looked up to me, with tears streaming down her cheeks. "YES! I'll do anything for them to just DIE!!!" We made the contract that night and we settled into a place together. That, went quite annoyingly for a while. Watching my food walking around without eating it was infuriating. It took twelve years for her to build up the courage to finally see them again. It wasn't as bad as i expected, they tried to fight back, but their souls tasted disgusting. They had no experience, a soul that has just been aged, is revolting. A soul that has been through traumatic times in its life, mourning, hatred, upheaval, and anguish, gradually make the soul aquire an amazing taste. I guaranteed Michelle's soul would taste so much better, and it did.

Sebastian's Point of View

   Walking down Marentine road at a very late hour, I didn't expect to see anyone around, but there was a mysterious woman about fifteen paces ahead of myself. She is wearing what looked like quite an expensive dress, like one that lady Elizabeth would wear. The woman was striding with such finesse, like she was flying. There was an odd aura about her though, she didn't smell like a human. I could smell human on her but it wasnt her own scent. I couldn't explain it; but she faintly smelled of a demon, although there was something else, she had the scent of an angel too. 'But that is impossible, it couldnt be.' I thought; I found myself walking faster to catch up to the woman. "Excuse me miss but what is a beautiful lady like yourself doing out here at night, alone no less? It is quite unsafe on the streets of london before dawn." I acted sympathetic. She turned and looked at me, when I gazed at her face, I saw the most beautiful blue eyes I had ever seen before. Her hair was ashen with a streak of black, and her dress was a beutiful pink with white and golden accents; it was a fancy dress. "I could ask the same question of you, sir." she said as we walked past an alley between two buildings, she then attacked me. Picked me up by the throat and held me up against the wall. "Who are you?" She said as her left eye refined to a glowing purple and her right, a bright pink. My assumption was correct, but only half. "This is impossible..." I said aloud

Author's Note

I apologize, for my chapters are very short. Eventually, once I get towards finishing, I will edit and make chapters much longer.

Reviews

[S. von Glaubitz]

Not a bad start! So I presume this is a Black Butler fanfiction? For all my attempts at both the manga and the anime, I never got too far into either, so I don’t know—is Abigail an original character? She sounds really cool!

Is there a missing initial quotation mark in that first sentence? Or are you setting up a false expectation?

Start a new paragraph every time there’s a new speaker. This makes it clearer who’s speaking, and also break up the paragraphs visually for the reader.

One thing you’re probably going to hear as a young writer is show, don’t tell. For example: “Both of them were annoyed with Ciel by now” is TELLING. But their dialogue already SHOWED that they’re annoyed. (Sorry for the caps. I’d rather use italics but they don’t show up.) “Ciel Phantomhive hired Abigail nine years ago when he was fourteen. Sebastian told her that Ciel ordered him to find another butler to aide around the Manor the night he found her.” TELLS the reader this background information. “As Abigail trudged up the stairs to Ciel’s room from the servant’s quarters, she wondered how many times over the past nine years she’d made that journey. It seemed impossible that there was ever a time she didn’t know the Manor like the back of her hand, but she still remembered when it all changed, the day Sebastian found her.” (Or something like that.) The idea is that you don’t want to explain the story to your reader. You want them to experience it. This takes a lot of practice, and sometimes there’s just no getting around a little necessary exposition, but play around with it. You might even find this happening naturally when, as you said you were planning, you go back and add to the chapter.

You can apply this same idea to the Abigail section. Here, again, there’s a lot of telling. The part that shines best in this section is the dialogue between Abigail and Michelle, because you’re showing us their words, their actions, their emotions. Maybe you can save some of the explanation of who Michelle was for another time, like when Abigail is telling the story to another character. Instead, in this scene, you can expand on Abigail’s actual “meal” and her feelings of satisfaction. What exactly is she doing and where is she going when Sebastian comes across her?

The title of the chapter says that Sebastian is searching for something (I presume in his flashback?) but there is no mention of this in the text. Can you make a mention of what he’s searching for?

I’m offering a lot of suggestions to you. The good thing about reviews and edits is you don’t actually have to take any of those suggestions. Actually, it can sometimes be difficult not to let someone else’s opinion sway you away from your vision. So give my suggestions some thought, but in the end do what you think is best for the story you want to tell.

I see you have a few more chapters posted. That’s great! I’ll try to get to those soon!