Intruder—Original Scary Story

New Story

You are awake now.

You have broken free of the dream.

The terrible dream.

You are shaking in your bed, cold sweats seizing your body.

An unbearable sense of dread overcomes you as you see the doorknob open slowly. 

It is fairly dark, but you can clearly make out the tall, dark figure that has just entered your bedroom.

Moonlight is cascading in through the window, and catching his eyes.

They are a pair of sinister eyes, and at the very sight of them you want to cry out. But you know it won’t help, because you are alone at home.

Now he edges closer towards you, his hands slowly rising from his sides.

Your breathing is shallow and the sounds are getting lumped up in your throat.

And now he has his hands around your neck. He is strangling you, and you can feel yourself slipping out of consciousness.

As you pass out you see the smile on his face widening. You are dying, and he is enjoying it.

You fight. Fight for life.

You are awake now.

You have broken free of the dream.

The terrible dream

You are shaking in your bed, cold sweats seizing your body.

An unbearable sense of dread overcomes you as you see the doorknob open slowly…

Author's Note

Creepy...

Reviews

[JGIII]

Ok the first chapter read like a prologue or something a character in the story would tell another character. This chapter does a good job of pulling the reader in. I like the last line. Good sense of foreboding being communicated.

[Steven Cash]

Thanks

[Amanda]

Paradox...

lol I think you meant 'tall' instead of 'talk' otherwise, great job.

[Steven Cash]

Yes, I did.

glad you enjoyed it

[KAOlmsted]

I like that you've put this in the second person, which makes it a bit more creepy...you know, mysterious narrator, can see me, watching my death, watching me wake from the dream, etc., so well done there. I am neither a fan of horror stories nor the Twilight Zone (sorry) but I found your technical style to be quite good. A couple of typos/hiccups ("talk" for "tall", maybe "home alone" instead of "alone at home") but all in all, very good, Steve. Thank you so much for sharing this.

-kimmer

[Steven Cash]

Thank you much, Kimmer

[KAOlmsted]

my pleasure...any time.

[Westminster Abbey]

Woah, Inception.

[Steven Cash]

Inception 2 you mean!
lol yea, thanks for reviewing

[The Refined Poet]

this is a well crafted creepy story. It kind of put me in the mind of a Twilight Zone type of story. Someone who can never wake up, having the same nightmare over and over. Is it real or is it a dream? very nicely done.

[Steven Cash]

Yes, I love the twilight zone

and the episode you mean is 'Perchance to Dream' or 'Shadowplay'

Shadowplay is like, Top 5 TZ eps ever!

[The Refined Poet]

yes sir...

[Ella]

Very nice Steven. A very different writing style, at first I was slightly confused by it (just caught me off guard) but by the end I loved it and read it again. Really well written.
But did you have to make me read this right before bed? xD

[Steven Cash]

lol that's when you know a story is good. when it makes you fear sleeping

glad you liked it

[Ella]

Well my house is already creepy enough without this story! xD Like it already creeks so now I am going to be like "Awh poop, I am going to get strangled" xD

LOOOOOVED IT! :D Not liked, there is a difference ;)

[Steven Cash]

Oh, great, thanks glad you LOOOOOOVED IT!

:)

[Ella]

I did, I think you should write more like this xD it's really good :)

[Steven Cash]

Thank you

I have a bunch of original stories/urban legends that i wrote on here:

Terror of Soho
Story of John Rhodes
Man in the House

stuff like that. they say originals

[Ella]

Welcome xD :3
Are you cereal!? Alright, next time I am on, I'll have to creep those xD :3 Do ya mind????
Alright, I'll be quiet now xD

[Steven Cash]

lol creep and cereal?
ahaaaa XD

yea you can read them if you like

[Ella]

I am a immature teenager, what can I say? xD :3
Yay! So doing it xD
Think you can message me really quickly to remind me because as soon as this comp goes off, so does my mind :3 and then Dani can remind me in the morning too xD

[Steven Cash]

Sure can do

[Ella]

Tak! :) Alright, I promise to give you the best reviews ever tomorrow!
Well... hopefully xD

[Sam]

Wow, great story Steven. Kinda reminds me of Slender Man in a way :3

[Steven Cash]

Thank you much for reading it!

[Sam]

You are very welcome my good man. :3