Plane Crash Survivor

my most recent piece

I have had trouble letting go for so long

I have carried this burden on my heart for years now.

The flame within me has died.

If anyone could see into my soul now, I am sure they would only see a vacuum.

 

I am trying to break free, but sometimes the coils around my limbs are so tight.

My movement is restricted.

And so is my heart.

I didn't know how to pray.

I never thought I'd have to give this up.

Even though the past four years have been the most painful,

I never thought it would actually end.

I never thought letting go would ever be an option.

I coveted this anger, this hurt, this humiliation.

I kept it because that's all I had left of him.

And when there seemed a reason to hope,

God snatched it from me.

 

I wasn't angry at God.

When it happened, I knew it was the right thing to do.

It just wasn't what I wanted.

and it was just another instance of me hoping in vain.

I was wrong to let my hopes up,

let my guard down again.

 

That was six months ago.

I am just now mulling through the last four years.

My heart is just now waking up and realizing it's survived.

I've never had to survive a place crash, praise God, but I imagine that that feels similar to this.

 

I'm alive.

Intact.

Shaken, frightened, but alive.

I'm going to be okay.

Everything is going to be okay.

 

I just have to remember to look to God each day and ask Him, "What is the next step?"

 

8/10/2008

Author's Note

one of the more revealing pieces i suppose