Monster

Monster

A Story by The old me

Monster

I sit here waiting for this meeting to finish up. A meeting set up by the lovely state of Florida, that I was forced to attend. Why you may ask?

I’m a white teenager with average built and medium black hair.  I’m also a low life criminal named Marcus. Well not really much of a criminal, but the police think I am. Call it, mistaken identity or wrong place at the wrong time, but I didn’t do the crime I was charged for.  My good luck finally kicked in when I was sentenced to these meeting at a church instead of prison.

I’m already in my third meeting. I’m surrounded by five others. All of them are teenagers like me.

There are three other boys and two girls. There was a short black haired Hispanic boy named Luis. He was pretty muscled and had a lot of tattoos. He sat next to a short brown haired Hispanic girl name Monica who he seemed to be dating. Next to her was another girl named Emily. She was pretty cute. She was kind of pale and had red long hair with cute freckles. Maybe when this was over, I would ask her out. Next to her was a short black haired African American boy named James. And finally there was Brian, a slightly fat brown haired white kid.

In these meetings we talk about our feelings and that we will never do anymore crimes. Our meetings are led by an older white man named Kevin Landry.  We all just call him Mr. Landry. He seemed pretty normal, other than his overly religious personality. He always wanted to help us and was always there for us if we needed it.

Weeks pass. Meetings are nearly done.  And most importantly, I get closer to Emily. I think I will ask her out. So on our second to last meeting I ask her. She says yes. We have a normal date but it ends well. When I drop her off at her house, we share a super long kiss and I’m happy.

We talk and hang for the next week till the day of our last meeting. We go to it together. It goes by pretty easily but Mr. Landry wants us to go to his house for a “congratulation you’re done” dinner. We all gowns about it but everyone end up going.

The dinner is uneventful and we all finish up our Kool-Aid.

Suddenly the lights become blurry and the room spins. I black out.

It feels like days but I finally come too. I feel strain in my arms as I realize that I’m chained up. I struggle to get loose and it ends up that I can’t. I look around the room and see that the others in the group are chained too.

I yell out. “Hey. Wake up!”

I do it a few times till everyone comes too. They blankly look around, still in a daze.

They talk among themselves. Emily looks at me scared and finally speaks.

“Where are we?”

“No clue.”

I can’t comfort her, because I don’t know where we are or if we are even safe.

The dark room that is only light is a small ceiling light is filled with voices of my group. The chatter is suddenly stopped when a door is opened at the end of the room. A beam of light hits our dark room. We all look to see a shadowy figure walking toward us.

It gets closer and the light finally realizes the figured of an old man with glasses. Mr. Landry.

He turns on a light for the room and we can know for sure that it is him.

Brian yells out, “Where are we locked up down here?”

Mr. Landry looks at him and walks up to him.

He reaches into his pocket. I’m at an angle to see what it is. It’s a box cutter.

Mr. Landry grips it and pushes the knob to extend the blade.

Brian sees it and reasons with him. “Please don’t kill me. I didn’t do anything wrong.”

Mr. Landry grips it tighter and plunges it into Brian’s neck. Mr. Landry stabs the box cutter all over Brian’s pale flesh. Brian’s dark crimson blood crashes all over the floor as he screams out for someone to save him.

“PLEASE GOD SAVE ME!!”

Mr. Laundry leans next to him and whispers, “He’s not here right now.”

He violently stabs more till Brian is silent. Mr. Laundry stands in the pool of blood and then turns to us.

He smiles, “Anymore questions?”

The room is silent. Mr. Laundry leaves for a few moments and comes back with someone.

With him is a sickly pale white woman with patchy short black hair. She looks like a zombie.

Mr. Laundry pulls her to the center of the room and then looks at us.

He speaks softly and calmly. “Someone in here did this to her.” He pauses and wipes a little blood off his glasses. “I don’t know which one but you all will pay unless someone tells me who did it.”

We hang there quietly for a few moments. Luis finally is the first to speak.

“What about if it was Brian who did it?”

Mr. Laundry walks up to him. “I doubt it was. He seemed like a p***y.”

I speak up, “Then why did you kill him?”

He walks up to me. “You all are criminals. You all deserve to die.”

I realize something in the back of my mind but I speak it aloud, “So you will kill all of us anyways.”

The rest of the room realizes it too now. They are really shocked.

Mr. Landry leaves with the woman. After a few minutes, he comes back with a man in a priest outfit.

Mr. Landry speaks to us.

“I’m not a monster. I will give you last rite before I torture you to tell me who did that to my wife.”

The priest walks up to Emily and preforms the last rite then goes to Monica. Mr. Landry sees that he is doing his work and leaves. Luis looks at the priest and speaks.

“Why are you doing this?” He is silent. “This man is crazy.”

The priest looks up and walks up to him. “That man is my brother.”

He walks to Jamal who is next to Luis. The priest turns his back to Luis. Just then Luis swings his body and his legs wrap around the priest’s neck. Luis squeezes as all of us scream for him to stop. But he doesn’t.

After a few moments the priest goes limp and his lifeless body falls to my feet.

We all hang there in silence till Luis speaks.

“I had to do that. We are going to die if we can’t escape.”

I speak, “I agree but that’s not the way.”

Jamal looks at Luis, “You are probably the one who hurt his wife.”

The two yell at each other till I break it up.

“Shut up guys, Mr. Landry is coming back soon.” I pause then figure out a plan. “Ok this is what we are going to do. When he comes back, we will speak that he passed out. Then when he gets near me then I’ll kick him to Luis and you wrap him in your legs. But don’t kill him.”

Luis speaks, “Why shouldn’t I kill him?”

Emily replies, “You idiot, if you kill him then we will be trapped in here. We need to force him to let us go.”

We all wait there silently till the door is opened. I yell out.

“HELP! He passed out!”

Mr. Landry runs up and looks at him. He starts to stand and I kick him towards Luis. Luis wraps his legs around his body. He struggles to get loose. But he gets his hand in his pocket. After a few moments he stabs the box cutter into Luis’s leg. Luis screams out in pain.

Mr. Laundry then forces the box cutter into his left breast. The blood quickly runs out and pours onto his body and then the floor.

Luis starts to turn pale. Mr. Laundry moves away from him and comes to me. Luis speaks softly.

“Is there all you have for me? P***y!”

Mr. Laundry turns back to him and leans towards him. He calmly says, “I have something else for you.”

He pulls out a medium size fold up knife. He opens it and instead of ending Luis, he turns and plunges it into Monica’s face. She screams out. Mr. Laundry continuous stabs it into her face and both her and Luis are screaming. Emily and Jamal have their eyes closed. I can’t help but watch.

She is silent now. And Luis is crying. Mr. Landry walks up to him and speaks.

“Aren’t so cocky now.”

Luis looks up at him and spits at him. It lands on his glasses. Mr. Landry calmly wipes it awhile from his glasses. He swings his fist into Luis’s mouth and grips his tongue. With his other hand, he uses his knife to cut out his tongue.

He grips it in his fist then throws it out at Emily, who screams in shock and overall awe.

Luis hangs there, choking on his own blood. Till finally he can’t breathe and dies.

Mr. Landry, covered in blood, turns to me and walks over. He stares into my eyes and speaks.

“Now for your punishment.” He wipes the blood from his knife. “Do you want me to kill you or your new girlfriend Emily.”

I look at her and our eyes lock. That’s when I relaxed something. I love her. So I answer and I think everyone in the room is shock to hear it, “Me.”

Mr. Landry turns his head to the side. “Interesting.”

He looks at her then to me. “Any last words?”

I turn towards Emily, “I love you.”

She starts to cry but speaks, “I love you too.”

Mr. Landry looks at me then her. Then he speaks, “Very interesting.”

He walks to her. And he starts to unchain her. I yell out.

“Leave her alone, it’s me you want!”

He pulls off the chains from starts to drag her away.

She screams out, “MARCUS!!!!!”

“EMILY” I yell back and struggle to get loose.

Her body slides through the door and the room turns silent.

I hang there trying to hear outside. I can’t hear anything.

Jamal yells to me. “We need to get loose. We are only on hooks; we may be able to swing loose.”

I just hang there. He yells again, “Try! You are smaller; you may have a better chance.”

I start swing my body. After the tenth attempt, I swing off. I crash to the floor.

I quickly get up and make my way to the door. Jamal screams at me.

“Don’t leave me.”

I turn to him. My mind is spinning. He begs me, “Please man.”

I run to him and get him off the chains. We still have cuffs on your hands but we can escape now.

We run inside the house. Jamal is faster and turns the corner. I turn the corner and see him crashed on the floor. He ran into Landry’s wife. I help him up. I hear something behind me. It’s Mr. Landry. He has a hatchet.

He swings it at us but I fall with helps me dodge it. The hatchet gets caught in Jamal. Jamal’s eyes widen and he falls to the floor. His blood oozes out.

I get up and slip on the blood. The blood stains my jeans. I get up again and make my way to the door. Mr. Landry is helping up his wife.

I heard a scream from upstairs. I stop and decide to go up there to save her.

I climb the stairs quickly. The screams lead me to a door and I barrel in. Emily is on a bed, bleeding from her side. I run and free her chains from the bed post.

We stand there for a moment as we heard the footsteps outside the door.

THUMP

Mr. Landry kicks open the door. The blood hatchet is in his hand.

He guards the door. I charge him and his swing of the hatchet misses me. I lie on top of him and pin him down to the floor.

I yell out, “RUN!”

Emily runs pass me and Landry hits me in the face.

He passes off me and chases after her.

I struggle but get up and chase after him.

We all make it down the stairs. Emily hits the front door but it’s locked. He walks up to her and pins her towards the door.

I see my way of surviving. I walk up to his wife and get my chains in front of her neck.

I yell at him, “Hey!”

He turns to me. He is shocked. He starts towards me. I move my arms closer to her neck.

He speaks, “Stop.”

“Let Emily go and you can have your wife back.”

He smiles. “I don’t think you have it in you. You were the only one I ever believed when they said they were innocent.”

“Well you really don’t know what I’m capable of. Let her go.”

“Ok.” He walks over and unlocks the door.

“Drop the hatchet and unlock her cuffs.”

He does. I speak.

“Good.”

Emily looks at me. “I can’t just leave you here.”

“I’ll be right behind you.” I wink, but in my mind, I don’t think I’ll get out of here. “Go!”

Emily runs off. I wait a few moments to give her a head start. I notice we aren’t in the same house then we started in.

I walk to the door with my prisoner. I look at Mr. Landry and know he will hunt down Emily so I do something to save her.

I release his wife, I look into his eyes and I speak. “I did this too her. I was the one that did it.”

He seems shocked but seems to believe me. Before he can react I back up and kick his wife toward him and I bolt into the glades.

I hear him slam the door behind himself and make his way to his car. I start running my fastest down this dark gravel road. I can’t see where I’m going but I do see car headlights near me. It gains on me and soon lights me up. The car speeds up and brakes but a little too late. The car hits me and I crash to the ground.

He gets out of the car and walks up to me with the hatchet. He pulls my chains and drags me to the back of his truck. He surprisingly had a lot of strength for an older man. He tries up my chains to the toe of the truck. I struggle to get loose as he gets into the car and starts it up.

He slow drags me back to the house. My back is against the gravel causing extremely painful road rash.

I nearly pass out because of the pain.

My blood spread all down the road.

After a few minutes we make it back to the house. He leaves me tied up and goes off in the direction that Emily went in. I went the opposite way to give her more time, hopefully it will be enough.

The pain really gets to me and I pass out.

After hours and the sunlight barely rising up, I wake up. I look up and to see Landry’s wife staring at me.

She makes a hoarsely scream and Mr. Landry comes running out of the house with Emily all tied trailing behind him.

“Emily.” I barely can say.

“Marcus, sorry I couldn’t get away.”

“It’s okay.”

Our moment gets broken up by Mr. Landry laughing. He walks Emily over to a post of the house and attracts her to it.

Then he walks over to me. He pulls out a knife. I know that knife.

It was the evidence of the state when they convicted me.

He notices I know that knife. He speaks.

“So it was really you who did it.”

“I didn’t do the crime I was convicted of. But I do know that knife.”

“How?”

“It’s was the weapon the cops said I used when I broke into a store.”

“The Blue Thrift store?”

“Yes.”

“My wife worked there. Till one night, you broke in and stabbed her twenty times till he was brain dead.”

“But I didn’t break in.”

“But you must know who did, if you got pinned for it.”

“Hmm.”

“Tell me who it is or I’ll skin you alive!”

“First let Emily go. Give her the car keys.”

“And let me guess, then I have to let you both go.”

“No. I’ll lead you to the person who I think did it.”

“Ok deal.”

He drops the knife and releases Emily. He hands her the keys and she walks to the car. She is sad, but I nod for her to go.

Mr. Landry unties me and she gets into the truck. She takes off and soon is lost into the distance.

Mr. Landry, his wife and I walk to his brother’s car and we take off towards where Emily was going and the city. We enter the car. He is driving with his wife in the back seat behind him. I’m in passenger seat.

We go down the dirt road in silence. He turns to me.

“Where are we going?”

“Back towards the church.”

“Where exactly?”

“I can’t tell you. If I do you will kill me, which you will do anyways but if I tell you now, you will kill Emily.”

“Why don’t you think I will kill her anyways?”

“Well for one, I don’t think you will find her.”

I pause. He grows impatient and yells at me.

“WHAT ELSE!?!?”

“And two…”

I grab the wheel of the car just we approach a bridge. The car hits the side of the bridge ledge and the car flips over to the right.

The crash stuns Landry for a few minutes as I struggle to get out. He never tied me in so I bust the window. The glass crashes onto the dirt and my arms, cutting it badly. I move and worm my body till I’m out of the car.

I start running in the glades. And towards a forest. I hear the glass cracking behind me.

I make it to the forest. Just as I enter I hear a gunshot, he must have had more weapons.

I run and run till I’m out of energy. My blood is leaving a trial for him. I try to backtrack to confuse him but I end up getting myself lost.

I get some leafs and use them to stop the bleeding. I run a little more and see a log fallen. I slide under it where it would seem no one from the outside could see me.

I hid under there. And about an hour later, I hear someone walking around. I slide my body to look a little outside. It’s him. I quietly slide back into my deep hiding place. I lay there praying to not be found.

It works. He doesn’t find me.

I lay there for hours and hours. All of the night.

The next day I walk through the forest and finally when I’m nearly dead from exhaustion or lack of blood, I find a road. I struggle to the side of it. I see a car stop and I hope it’s not him. But before I know, I pass out on the side of the road.

I wake up in a hospital room. I look around and see Emily.

“Emily.”

“Marcus.” She gets up and kisses me.

“Am I dead?”

“No. “

“What happened?”

“Some family was driving by and saw you. They called the cops. And now you have been here for the past few days.”

“Are you okay?”

“Yes. They patched me up. But Marcus. You saved me.”

“I didn’t. We just got lucky.”

There is a silence but I have to ask.

“What about Mr. Landry? Is he dead?”

“The cops found his brother’s car. But they only found his wife dead.”

I lay there in shock. “Will we ever be safe?”

“I don’t know. But at least we are together.”

 

One year later…

After the scars and the cuts have healed. After  all the bumps and bruises have faded. Emily and I only have the memory of what happened.

We married a month ago and for the last year have been living in Arizona.

The day started off normal. I went to work and came home to see Emily who got off an hour before me.

I walk inside our apartment; we still lived with her parents who moved out her with us. I drop my keys into the bowl.

That’s when I notice it.

The crimson marks all over the floor. It leads to my bedroom. I walk into to see my mother in law and father in law completely red and their insides all over the floor.

I see something written on the wall with blood.

Look behind you.

I turn and feel an object clock me. I’m out cold.

I wake up after some time. My eyes focus in on Mr.Landry holding Emily.

He speaks, “Hello sleep head. Miss me?”

I get to my feet. He looks at me then throws Emily to the floor.

He walks to me and speaks again, “You will tell me who hurt my wife. Then you will pay for killing her. No deals this time.”

“Ok. I’ll tell you.” I pause. “It was me.”

“But you said you didn’t do the crime you were convicted of. I knew I must be lying.”

“I didn’t rob her. I went into that store to kill her.” I walk a little towards him. “I got in there and she tried to fight me off so I stabbed her.”

“If you really did then why did the cops never think you did it?”

“Well the knife was in a set of two. I didn’t have the other one, the one that I used to stab her. So they didn’t have proof.”

He is growing angry. But in the corner of my eye I see Emily sliding off to the kitchen knives.

I speak again, “I can’t help myself. I’m a psychopath.”

He stands there in a full rage.

I say one more thing. “She deserved it.”

He charges me and I duck when we meet. His knife hits my back of my shoulder. Just then Emily lunges at him and stabs him in the back. He screams out in pain.

He gets up and pulls the knife from his upper back. He goes towards him. I pounce up and pull the knife from my shoulder and push it into his spine. He goes down.

A pool of blood crowds around his now dead body.

After a few minutes, Emily runs up and calls 911. Then goes to me and kisses me. She speaks.

“It’s finally over.”

“Yes it is.” I hug her, even knowing that she was the one who attacked Mr. Landry’s wife.

 

On Emily’s and Marcus’s third date.

We go back to her place. Her parents aren’t home. We strip down and make loud and naughty sex.

After we are done. She starts crying.

I ask, “What’s wrong?”

“Nothing.”

“Seriously. What’s wrong?”

She cries more, “I can’t help myself.”

“Can’t help yourself with what?”

“Killing…”

I’m shocked. “What do you mean?”

“Well I started killing animals when I was younger and it stopped the urges for a while. Then last year, it wasn’t enough. It all ended up with me breaking into this store and attacking this lady. She survived but it filled the urge for a bit. Then I found my next victim but I got caught breaking in and that’s why I’m in the group.”

“So you are a psychopath?”

“Yes. Well I was but something magical happened to me.”

“And that was?”

“I met you. First time I saw you, I knew I loved you. Then we talked and went on dates. You filled that gap. I never feel like I have to kill now.”

I sit there in silence. After a few minutes, she speaks.

“Can you please say something?”

“Sorry, I’m still trying to process this all.”

“That’s understandable. But I want you to know I’m sorry.”

“For what?”

“It was because of me, that you got arrested.”

“How?”

“Well after I stabbed that lady, I run outside the back and down the alley. I threw one of my knives into a backyard. It ended up that was your backyard.”

“Oh…”

“I’m so sorry. It didn’t have to happen that way. I’m sorry. After that I ran home. The next weekend I was caught breaking in a store. Somehow they found my fingerprints on both places. But luckily they never found the weapon so I was only charge with burglary.”

I sit there thinking. She was the one who ruined my life.

She gets up and pulls me up. She kisses me and speaks, “I love you.”

I receive the wet kiss from her and say, “I love you too.” Because I knew from the moment I saw her I would always love her, no matter what…

© 2011 The old me


My Review

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Featured Review

Wow this is really good. What a dream too! I love the line, "Luis hangs there, choking on his own blood. Till finally he can’t breathe and dies."
Also," ' So you are a psychopath?'
'Yes. Well I was but something magical happened to me.' "

Good job. 100

Posted 8 Years Ago


1 of 1 people found this review constructive.




Reviews

Yikes, Derek !! I hope you don't date all that much !! Pretty dark stuff !! Not to mention hard on your kitchen ware.
You need to have someone (or your computer) read this to you. It will make it easier to spot the mis-used words and the rough spots making your scenes jump from place to place. It will make your writing even better... really !! Try it.

Posted 7 Years Ago


1 of 1 people found this review constructive.

this was a gripping tale...you kept me guessing till the end...and I really couldn't imagine in my wildest dreams that Emily was the one...you have an eye for details and magic with pen plus story telling...wonderful job!

Posted 7 Years Ago


this really kept me on my toes. the story is great, and everything played out really well. all i ask is that you fix a few typos and maybe take out some unnecessary parts like mentioning the sex. i'm fine with having sex in stories, but i just thought that it didn't fit in well with this one. great job though. i love it!

Posted 7 Years Ago


Well, this story really through me for a loop. Talk about a story! It was like a thriller, only more unpredictable than normal. You did a good job establishing the storyline, and reverting back to it. Like in the beginning you talked about how Mr. Landry 'seemed' normal, and then you contradicted that by showing he wasn't. That was great. Though some little details were a bit foggy for me, it was definitely a thriller that kept me on the edge, like, what's going to happen next??? and then finding out that Emily actually was the killer! Towards the middle of the story, i was beginning to think that she actually was, but at the same time, I wasn't. Good job, overall!

Posted 8 Years Ago


I love all of the twists in the story! I didn't see any of them coming at all. The pace is all over the place, though--it started off slow and then suddenly everything started happening all at once. You could relax a bit and give more descriptions, rather than just the basics of a crazy Mr. Landry killing people, etc. That would improve the story a lot and make it smoother.

Posted 8 Years Ago


Okay. Where to begin? This was a fairly decent sized short story and there’s a lot of ground to cover. So let’s start with tense. It sounds like the majority of the story is told from a present tense, but every once in a while it slips into past tense.
So Number 1: pick a tense and stick with it.
Number 2: Marcus and Emily had a normal date. That sounds like a positive thing but then you bridge the sentence with “but” indicating that a normal date isn’t a good thing. Was that your intent? If not then change it to “we have a normal date and it ends well.”
Number 3: Instead of “gowns” in the last sentence of paragraph seven I think you meant groan.

Phew! How much more do we have? What’s that? Not even half way through? Drat.

Number 4: “The dark room that is only light is a small ceiling light is filled with the voices of my group.” What? What the… What the f**k is this sentence supposed to say? It’s all over the place! Try reading it aloud without sounding like a disabled person. You can’t! Anyways moving on.
Number 5: “It gets closer and the light finally realizes the figured of an old man with glasses.” First of all, light can’t realize things. It’s an inanimate object. A force of the universe. Try making Marcus realize it’s Mr. Landry. Or say that the light reveals the figure.
Number 6: “Where are we locked up down here?” Brian asks Mr. Landry. I think this is two questions that got smashed together. It should either be, “Why are we locked down here?” OR “Where are we?”
Number 7: “Brian sees it and reasons with him.” Seeing as Brian gets stabbed in the neck just seconds after this, I think it would be more appropriate to say Brian tried to reason with Landry.
Number 8: When Landry asks, “Anymore questions?” I’d like to point out that Brian didn’t actually ask anything. Minor point but still. Just saying.
Number 9: I think this story could be streamlined a bit by not having Landry leaving and reentering the room so many times. Also, what happened to the woman? What was done to her? Did somebody turn her into a zombie? I think this needs a little more explanation or description.
Number 10: “I can’t help but watch.” Whoa. What the f**k. Nothing grammatically wrong here but… just kinda disturbing. If that’s what you were going for then great. If not, then maybe think about rewording this.
Number 11: I’m starting to realize the awkward sentences and strange wording is actually a symptom of your writing style and can’t be relegated to isolated incidents so I’m not going point out anymore individual sentences. I’ll advise you to read the dialogue out loud. That’s the best way to eliminate awkward sentences and wording.
Number 12: So when Landry releases Emily and drags her away, I wonder… why doesn’t she run? Is she just a helpless doe? This man is dragging her like she’s unconscious but she’s clearly not. She has no idea what’s about to happen. Maybe Landry chose her for some sick personal side game? If I were her I would have struggled and struggled until I got free and then ran out of there. But then I’m not the main character’s defenseless love interest so what do I know?
Number 13: Okay hold on. You mean to tell me that Landry’s wife is in this condition because she got stabbed 20 times? Are you freaking kidding me? No one gets brain damage from getting stabbed! No one! Unless she hit her head on a counter on the way down, but she shouldn’t have gotten any brain damage. Also, brain dead people don’t turn into zombies. They turn into vegetables. Important distinction.
Number 14: Holy crap, Landry gives into Marcus’s demands way too easily. Marcus somehow convinces Landry that he knows who really did it, fine whatever, but then he convinces him to give his car keys to Emily? Is Landry f*****g stupid? How does he not realize that Emily is going straight to the police? Marcus has no sway in this negotiation. He has no trump cards. He has nothing! How does he… I just… I don’t know… I don’t know anymore.
Number 15: Look behind you. Holy f**k balls, really? That’s so ridiculously cheesy and cliché I actually laughed at that. Bravo.
Number 16: Okay, Mr. Landry has got to be the worst killer/antagonist in the history of fiction. He goes through all the trouble of knocking out Marcus in Marcus’s own home but doesn’t tie him up or anything? I don’t care if he wants vindication for his wife or whatever; Landry deserves whatever is going to happen to him because of his sheer stupidity.
Number 17: “He stands there in a full rage.” I’m picturing Landry standing in one spot with a red face and steam coming out his ears like in a cartoon. It looks so pathetic in my mind’s eye I actually feel sorry for him.
Number 18: Okay, I’ll admit I didn’t expect the twist ending with Emily, but it lost its impact because Marcus just out and says it. Cut out that last sentence before the flashback to the third date and the ending works that much better.

Whelp, that’s about it I guess. The premise is interesting and the ending is sufficiently twisty, but the delivery and the pacing and timing and the grammar are just… I’ll put it this way; I think I did more editing of this review than you did on your story. Look it over a few times, read it out loud and take your time going over it. I guarantee your short story will be a hundred times better for it. I hope you enjoyed this review as much as I enjoyed reviewing your story. Keep writing and keep improving! Peace out!

Posted 8 Years Ago


1 of 1 people found this review constructive.

Amazing! I loved it! I kind of expected Emily to be the killer though. It moved REALLY fast!

Writing keeps the dream alive
~V~

Posted 8 Years Ago


Wow this is really good. What a dream too! I love the line, "Luis hangs there, choking on his own blood. Till finally he can’t breathe and dies."
Also," ' So you are a psychopath?'
'Yes. Well I was but something magical happened to me.' "

Good job. 100

Posted 8 Years Ago


1 of 1 people found this review constructive.

wow thats really good hun. i could feel the different emotions going on. but i like it :)

Posted 8 Years Ago


1 of 1 people found this review constructive.

I feel as if the mind wanders about the complexitiy of human emotion, the twirled leveation of darkeed sense alwasy mezmerises us all, well done, good read.

Posted 8 Years Ago


1 of 1 people found this review constructive.


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Added on September 12, 2011
Last Updated on September 12, 2011

Author

The old me
The old me

Los Angeles, CA



About
If you notice some of my work is gone, that is because it is. I trimed down to put only a few on the site. Message me if you want to know anything about me. I'm an open book more..

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