Chapter Two

Chapter Two

A Chapter by The old me

Chapter 2: Origins of Man

            Before we start with love and all this glory, we will talk about the other crummy things in life. If you know the crummy parts of life, love that is achieved will be in a better light. Let’s start with a short and quick biography of the man. To start with, he was born in certain state, really doesn’t matter what state so I’m not going to say. He soon left that state because of his dead beat drunk of a father who was toxic to his mother. Much later in life, he found and talked to his father, who was a ward of skid row. So sometimes, the universe can correct itself with karma. The two were never close. He and his mother moved to a new state, where he spent 7 years of his life there. He stayed there till his mother’s unfortunate death. Soon after that he returned to his birth state, where he remained for the rest of the story and probably for the rest of his life. The middle of his childhood was normal and uneventful, so we will skip ahead to the good stuff. We will start at the point that started his journey of life. One filled with twist and turns, ups and downs.

Every day the man’s day started the same. He woke up early, and prepared for an extremely boring day at his school. His school was home for many stoners and underachievers but mainly just filled with past high school student’s broken dreams. The school itself had a horrible campus that was always was under construction and also sported a mascot known for being the bull with the biggest penis. Our man in this story went to this school, because he fit into the underachiever category. He became a pro at underachieving in almost every aspect of his life. He also was horribly one of the most average people you could meet. He was average height; average built, and average brains. His personality was average, and if you didn’t know him on a deep level, you really didn’t know the true him. Only two people knew the true him. He had mostly normal friends who in his mind, he only really had, to make sure he wasn’t a loner. Don’t get him wrong, he knew his friends meant the best for him but in the end, he never could enjoy having them. Also don’t think he is a phony for having friends, he did care about them and was there for them, but he just couldn’t feel enough compassion to always care about how his actions affected them. The man at this point in the story may sound like a bit of a d****e, but not to foreshadow too much but seeing his past and future events, they may show you why he acts and feels that way. So don’t judge him just yet. The man had no great skill in anything and the only thing he could remotely be good at was solving other people’s problems. Somehow, a man who never had been in a true relationship all his life, could help anyone solved their problems in any area of a relationship. He was like most people his age, never knew what he wanted to do with his life, but the one thing he wanted was a relationship. And he didn’t even care if it was a physical one which was rare for a man his age. Hopefully that statement repairs his repartition a bit from you thinking he is a d****e, that or it just shows the man was one of those average good guy loser types. His type of girl he liked was mildly hot, blonde, average height and shared some common interest. See even his taste of girls is average. But the only thing that was not average about him was his luck.

 His abnormal bad luck was mainly shown in his love life, o the sweet irony. His “lovely” relationship past was flawed and filled with awkward situations. Especially it had a lot of no win scenarios, kind of like the Detroit Lions football history. If you like sports humor that would be funny. His first serious love connection was with an extremely broken shell of a girl. Her past was very troubled, and filled with almost unimaginable things. To start with she was once pregnant, but didn’t have it. And when the man met her, she was engaged to someone else. The man and broken girl started their friendship with a strange conversion on midget clown strippers. I couldn’t make that up if I tried. The random conversions grew into a beautiful friendship. Even knowing of her ghastly past and a prepared future with another man, our man still fell in love with her, dumbass. As time passed, the man decided to confess his undying love for her. She respectfully declined being with him. Instead of allowing him to leave, she wanted to continue the friendship. The man decided he really wanted to try. Months of weird topics and deep feelings, the friendship progressed. The two even discuss moving in together after high school was over. Eventually the man was actually getting used to being just friends. Till one random day, the broken girl did what she always did when things were going well, she fucked things up. She invited the man over to her house when her parents were gone, and soon after, she stripped down in front of him. She then proceeded to make out with him. All of this started to make the man think he could be happy, not just cause he was about to get laid, he thought he finally achieved what he always wanted to have, a person to care about him. A person, he could possibly spend the rest of his life with or at least a few good months till it fizzled out like most high school relationships did. But yet in the end, a phone call changed his fortunes. A call itself by no one of importance or of any importance, but it stopped the passionate moment between the man and the broken girl. After the two had those extra seconds to think about what they were about to do, the man did one of the stupidest things he could have ever do, he told her, “All you need to know is that I love you”. And yet again, he is a dumbass. I’m not calling him a dumbass because I don’t believe in love; I just don’t think this case was really “love”. That was the first time he ever said that to a girl. Then the girl proceeded to kiss him and again get interrupted by another damn phone call. Kind of taking that as a sign and now knowing her parents would be home soon, the two got redressed and went their separate ways for the day.  The man left feeling that maybe she had chosen him to be with or at least was going to try to be with him. So being on cloud 9, he went out with friends who just laughed at the story of him being c**k blocked by a phone call. It would be nice to tell you that the next day, the man and the broken girl met up, kissed and told each other they would never leave one another, and finally the man could make the broken girl whole again. But that would be too nice and would end this story off on such a high note. But sadly, it’s not what happened, there was no damn fairy tale ending here. After that event, the friendship started a dark spiraling downfall. The beginning was when the broken girl completely ended their friendship. Next step of destruction was when the man tried to save the sinking ship of whatever you could call what they had as a relationship with a letter sent to the broken girl. But the broken girl shot down the man’s attempt and decided to put the final hole into the ship. She broke the man with her final words of insults in her horrible, destructive, soul crushing response letter.  A letter saying:

Just to be even more crystal clear than I've already been, STOP bothering me. I've told you three times I don't want to be friends or have any contact with you whatsoever. I have absolutely no time for your childish and immature tactics at trying to make me fall in love with you. I, unlike you, am older than 12 and I really don't appreciate this bullshit. As for asking me to choose you or him, how f*****g dare you insult me by questioning my commitment to my future HUSBAND who I'm marrying ( that’s a lifetime commitment, by the way) next fall. So do the world a favor and keep your obsession with me to yourself because I don't want to hear about it anymore. I have real problems to deal with and a wedding to plan. It's ironic that you have your little messenger deliver me your note on me and him 7 month anniversary. I chose him when I was thirteen. You can't compete with that and you never will. Peace out.”

So you can imagine the sting the man felt. Just so you don’t think the man was completely stupid in the relationship, here are some facts about the broken girl and her letter. One, the man wasn’t too childish, he simply told the broken girl how he felt about her and that he wanted to be with her, as either partners or friends. Two, the man is older than 12, I know she was being slightly sarcastic in the letter but it needed to be said. Three, the broken girl was the one who stripped down in front of another man that was not her husband, can’t you love that commitment, I mean the only people that’s remotely fine with their wife getting naked for other men is if your wife is a stripper and she getting good pay for it. Four, she said she chose her man that was going to be her husband when she was 13, but she did have four boyfriends and two girlfriends before she settled with her “future HUSBAND”. O and got pregnant but another guy.  Five and final fact, was that the broken girl married her “future HUSBAND”, which only lasted a few months, then the broken girl moved to her next victim. More will be told later in this story; she will come back around, sorry for more foreshadowing spoilers, my bad.  The man did reply to the letter with:

“Well I wasn't going to reply but your letter is total bull s**t. I'm not f*****g stupid I know what commitment is and I'm not the one who questioned your commitment. And I never tried to make you fall in love with me, I knew from day 1, I wouldn't be with you, and I never made a move. And the main reason I sent you that stupid letter was because I wanted to know how our relationship was. And if your reply is how you feel then its fine, I don’t care anymore; I have been treated like s**t lately. So have a good life, I really hope you get your happiness in life, no joke. Bye”

The man took what she said to heart, he let her poisonous words take over his life. He somehow could never blame her for what she did or even feel any kind of hate towards her. Maybe it was love that blinded him. A love that may have been for a great phony side she showed him. He never could know how the broken girl really felt about him, and the man could have never found out. Because he knew he needed to make sure he lost all contact with her, which by my earlier statements may suggest he didn’t do. But in his heart, he thought the broken girl said what she said because she really had some deep feelings for him, but had to end it because she knew they could never be together. And a harsh spilt could end up making it easier on the man in the long run of life. But the more and more he asked around about her, he saw her in her true light of being a slight w***e and overall demon of a b***h. That’s why his friends will forever refer to her as, the Devil. The world may never know how she felt about him or how many licks to the center of a lollipop, f*****g owl always biting the damn thing.

           

 



© 2011 The old me


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The beginning of this story was a tad confusing, I must admit, as well as the font. I am not sure why it bothered me but it did. Maybe I'm old school and only like Times New Roman. As for the foreshadowing that you keep telling the reader, I think you should omit it, so they will be a bit surprised down the road. You do have quite a talent for your edgy humor, but I would love to see this in paragraph format, so it does not look like one huge paragraph. Other than a few discrepancies, I enjoy your no-holds-bar way of looking at the world.

Posted 8 Years Ago


2 of 2 people found this review constructive.




Reviews

First time I read it it confused me, by I read it again and I started to understand what was going on, it's pretty good :) reading on....

Posted 8 Years Ago


A few notes. I think you need to separate into paragraphs a little more, it gets frustrating trying to read a huge long paragraph (and that's not just because I need glasses). I know you've heard this already, but I do highly advise x-nay on the foreshadowing. I don't think you should say that you're foreshadowing or say "more will come soon" because, as all good stories, more will come soon and that's what keeps the reader doing his/her job. Other than that, I find this an interesting take on a love story. Not necessarily from the man's view at all but rather an omnipotent (am I using that right or confusing it with another?) I will read on! :) Good job so far.

Posted 8 Years Ago


That is a fucked up thing to do. I mean, what a w***e she must be. Sorry man. Though if I was in your shoes, I would have fucked her anyways

Posted 8 Years Ago


Reiterating what others have already said, so far, there is a unique and interesting voice to your story. I also find it interesting that you use "the man" and "the broken girl" as opposed to actual names. One suggestion about this: perhaps you should call her future husband "the husband?" It would add some clarity to the sentences where both our man and her fiancé appear.

Also, given that our man is in high school, and given that the story will span several more years, perhaps you may consider calling him "the boy" at this point? This may be a premature suggestion.. But my rationale is that, given that this novel is described to be somewhat a tale of personal growth, having him evolve from "the boy" to "the man" may add some depth in a coming-of-age sort of way as the novel progresses.

I would definitely continue to proofread for grammatical and spelling errors, but this isn't altogether an uncommon thing in first drafts. On a final note, when you go back and edit, think hard about whether you are "telling" the story to the reader or "showing" it to them. I have learned, through practice and from writing vets, that it is always more engaging for the reader if you "show" them. Leave some room for the reader to come to his or her own conclusion about certain things... Don't abuse foreshadowing... Make a point of ensuring that every single sentence has distinct purpose in driving the story to its conclusion, whether that be to reveal more about a character, plot line, scenery, or what have you.

Again, very interesting voice and I look forward to reading more when I am less sleepy! Thanks for the friend request and I hope that this was helpful!

-CFB

Posted 8 Years Ago


I really liked it a lot.... but i found the spelling mistakes a bit distracting, and i kept losing my place without paragraphs when i scrolled down (laptop, no mouse).
I like how you rant and put your thoughts and feelings into it, it really adds color to the writing:P
I'm totally going to read more!:)

Posted 8 Years Ago


Mindblowing, dear old bean.

Posted 8 Years Ago


This piece shows tremendous voice throughout the narration. The strength, should this story continue, should focus around the personality of the narrator. The genre of this particular book is one of the hardest to have stand out, because it so often used. That said, use the strengths naturally shown through your writing and magnify it to make it your own.

Next, using the occasional curse word is good for making the conversation natural sounding, which is a common issue with many authors. The amount of cursing in some of the paragraphs is completely unnecessary. If readers wanted to fill their brains with language, they'd go watch Comedy Central. Try to avoid the need to swear a bit more and the piece will become much better.

Another thing to work on is organizing the piece. There is a fairly good amount of organizing the explanations for different characters, but this passage could use a little more revising to strengthen it.

Don't take the review too harshly, this is well written, but I feel that these few adjustments could make it even better.

Posted 8 Years Ago


1 of 1 people found this review constructive.

I like the tone you're using for this story; to me that kind of sardonic, depressing humor is enjoyable. (Detroit Lions, ahahaha...) I do think you gave a bit too much background information here. At first it was interesting, but all the details about the man's relationship with the broken girl aren't needed. Especially the letters. I'm undecided about whether the way you put yourself, the author and narrator, into the story is a good thing. On one hand, you have an enjoyable tone of voice, but I've also been taught that it's best to avoid inserting yourself in the story--i.e.: "I’m not calling him a dumbass because I don’t believe in love; I just don’t think this case was really “love”." It kind of prevents the reader from being absorbed by the story. Also, I agree with Vanessa on your mentionings of foreshadowing.

Posted 8 Years Ago


i rly like this. 100

Posted 8 Years Ago


'The man and broken girl started their friendship with a strange conversion on midget clown strippers.'

I think you mean conversation

Posted 8 Years Ago



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Added on March 22, 2011
Last Updated on April 27, 2011
Tags: love, humor


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The old me
The old me

Los Angeles, CA



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If you notice some of my work is gone, that is because it is. I trimed down to put only a few on the site. Message me if you want to know anything about me. I'm an open book more..

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