Raine: Comfort from Dawn

Raine: Comfort from Dawn

A Chapter by Amanda Dawn Sanderson-Greer
"

Prologue

"

My palms became sweaty and my heart began to race. The doctor had just analyzed Tristan and I was motioned to step into his office, soon to find out exactly what was wrong with Tristan; find out what made him different from Reagan.

 

"Please have a seat." I was too nervous to sit, but I did as I was told. The doctor's expression stayed unchanged, solemn. I couldn't read his face or his thoughts and I was uncertain of how I'd feel after he spoke his final words.

 

"Your son, Tristan, is autistic. It may come to a shock to you at first but you will come to realize that he is no different than other children, his development will just be delayed, severely."

 

I couldn't speak, so I just nodded and held back my tears. I knew that Tristan was delayed but I never thought that he could be autistic, but it made perfect sense; the stemming, flapping, rocking...it all fit. The doctor took me to the waiting room where my best friend sat waiting for me with her own daughter, Reagan, keeping Tristan company so he wouldn't have a meltdown with me gone from the room. Dawn looked up at me and I nodded. She didn't know the results but she understood my gesture and she came to grip me in a tight hug with whispers of encouragement. "Everything will be okay...I know it will."

 

"But...what about Reagan? What will happen with their friendship when she grows out of her younger years..."

 

"Raine, Reagan will understand, I'm sure of it. She will know that Tristan is different but that he is still human. She will love him all the same. I assure you. Right here, right now this is my promise to you."

 

Tears filled my eyes and I watched my son lining the toy cars in a row and singing a song in his on gibberish. Reagan began laughing and started copying Tristan's babbling and began helping him line the cars. At that moment I took that as clarity that Dawn was right and that nothing had to change, that it wouldn't. Reagan and Tristan will grow to be great friends. Although, I didn't see them being the lovers that Dawn and I had imagined the moment we found out I was having a son. Which we found out shortly after she found out she was having her baby girl. Dreams, hopes went flying out of the window and worry flooded my mind.

 

God, please do me but only one favor and let Reagan see more to Tristan than what he has to show, what he has to give. Let her see the beauty within.



© 2012 Amanda Dawn Sanderson-Greer


Author's Note

Amanda Dawn Sanderson-Greer
This is the ONLY Raine part written by me (Amanda), the others will be written by Natasha (midnight_mystery); please add her to your lists so that you can review Raine parts for her, otherwise she won't know how to edit/revise properly. Thank you.

My Review

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Featured Review

First of all, I love the idea. I've always been interested in parents with mentally and physically disabled children (probably because i've always wondered what my diabetes and addisons disease did to my mom) so you've already caught my interest. However, this is a prime example of telling, not showing. Now I'm not against telling occasionally, but the reader won't like a laundry list instead of a story. If this is a prologue, I'd say shorten it and focus more on her adult life. You can bring in details of her childhood anf=d relationship with Dawn as you go instead of just stating it in the beginning. From the little bit of dialogue in here, I can see you know how to make conversations sound realistic, which is a hard thing to do. So you should bring more of that in and bring in details through conversations. Also, there were a few errors in grammer (it should be accept, not except, things of that nature), so watch yourself on that. It's important to get those right or you'll lose the reader in a mountain of mistakes. Also, though this is just the prologue and it's not quite as important here as in the actual story, you must have character differentiation. I'm not saying Raine and Dawn can't have the similarities you've given them, but they must have differences too, because they're two seperate people and have you ever met wo people who were the same? You did start it, with Dawn's assurance and Raine's uncertainty, but you'll have to build on it. Make them two different people, not carbon copies of each other.

So far, I like the idea and with a little work, you can definitely have something good. There's potential there, so keep working on it. Remember, the more you rewrite it and correct it, the better it gets. Drafts sound worse than they are, I promise. Keep it up and let me know when yu've got more up so I can keep reading. :)

This review was written for a previous version of this writing

Posted 11 Years Ago


2 of 2 people found this review constructive.




Reviews

I can relate to this. I know a lot of autistic people, and a lot of people with aspergers, too. (Which, as I'm sure you know, is a lesser form of autism.)

I love how you've captured the emotions of the mother so simply. It is hard to grasp.

Posted 10 Years Ago


Good intro. I'm hooked :)

Posted 11 Years Ago


I think you've done a fantastic job of shortening this and cutting out all the unnecessary details. You get straight to the point and it is clear, through what happens, that Dawn and Raine are friends and that the story will be aboutTristan and Reagan (Nice choice of names, by the by. Very different.) Apart from a few grammatical/spelling errors, this was very well written. And great job editing. You seriously cut down on any mistakes.

Posted 11 Years Ago


This is great how they believe even though the kids are different they think they will go up to be best friends

Posted 11 Years Ago


Christ you brute! It's 10 am..can I not fall in teary pain and the questions of what if's with these two?!
and the little prayer at the end and the questions of a concerned mother that things will slowly deteriote and change or the possibility of that?
You're pure evil..
nice work

Posted 11 Years Ago


This is a great beginning to your story. There were grammar and punctuation mistakes, as people have already pointed out, but it's a great story idea. Keep writing. :)

Posted 11 Years Ago


"It's beautiful how something as simple as a seating arrangement could determine the futures of two people like it did Raine and Dawn. It all started with the simplest of questions." Although I know what you're trying to do with this, I think it's a little unnecessary, since I assume this will be demonstrated later.

"This comment from Raine" the "from Raine" is unnecessary. It's implied.

"They got used to hearing that " if it" this would sound better without "that"

"From that first day of third grade, their friendship grew and deepend. They were best friends, and would remain so throughout their lives." Again, I know what you're trying to do, but this is a little too much telling. Perhaps if you said "From that day in third grade, they were friends, and heir friendship only grew and deepened through middle and high school." Saying "throughout their lives" kind of feels like you're wrapping the story up.

"Sounded perfect" should be sounds

"in which he had wrote his number" written

"By their fourth and final year in nursing school Dawn was beginning to feel the tension in Raine's eyes when she was invited to tag along yet again with the glued-to-the-hip couple." I like this. Adds some tension to the friendship.

"He made Raine laugh with hid jokes" should be "hidden"

"Unfortunately there were complications with this fantasy Raine lived in. Once she saw Zander's true colors it would be shattered in pieces, because though Zander appeared to be perfect in every way, there was something dark lurking beneath the surface yet to be seen." This whole paragraph is too much telling. Because this will all be revealed latter, this is too much like telling, and you don't want to tell the readers what's going to happen.

"One afternoon when Raine returned home from work, Zander accused her of cheating and that he was sick of her being gone all the time." revise this sentence.

"She would attempt to explain" watch your tenses. It seems like you went from one specific afternoon to a general telling of what always happens with no distinction between the two.

This is a really good storyline so far, but the prologue needs to be cut down. It seems too much like you're trying to tell the whole story before the story even starts. By the end it's like you've read the whole book, when the book doesn't focus on the lives of the two girls, at least from what I can tell. A lot of this could be revealed in the main story, eluded to, and brought out in dialogue or thoughts. There is a whole lot of just straight telling. I would say cut this down to one strong scene to catch the readers interest and then find a way to bring out the other parts in the story. Also, do your best to differentiate between the friends. You want to be able to tell them apart. I like that they look alike, but you need to balance it out with some internal differences. But I love the idea, especially the aspect of Reagan. I'm excited to see how she relates to Tristan and what she feels about being his friend. I'm excited to read more. Good job so far.

Posted 11 Years Ago


Since we're writing this together..im gonna add it to my page too.Can't wait to see our story blossom and grow :)

Posted 11 Years Ago


This is perfect for a story... It made me cry... Its full of lots of emotion and depth, and this prolouge is full of surprises. I don't think I have ever been so emotionally jerked around by a story... First happy, than concerned, then saddend, then concerned again...... This story is definately one of my favorites, so far, keep me apprised will ya

Posted 11 Years Ago


First of all, I love the idea. I've always been interested in parents with mentally and physically disabled children (probably because i've always wondered what my diabetes and addisons disease did to my mom) so you've already caught my interest. However, this is a prime example of telling, not showing. Now I'm not against telling occasionally, but the reader won't like a laundry list instead of a story. If this is a prologue, I'd say shorten it and focus more on her adult life. You can bring in details of her childhood anf=d relationship with Dawn as you go instead of just stating it in the beginning. From the little bit of dialogue in here, I can see you know how to make conversations sound realistic, which is a hard thing to do. So you should bring more of that in and bring in details through conversations. Also, there were a few errors in grammer (it should be accept, not except, things of that nature), so watch yourself on that. It's important to get those right or you'll lose the reader in a mountain of mistakes. Also, though this is just the prologue and it's not quite as important here as in the actual story, you must have character differentiation. I'm not saying Raine and Dawn can't have the similarities you've given them, but they must have differences too, because they're two seperate people and have you ever met wo people who were the same? You did start it, with Dawn's assurance and Raine's uncertainty, but you'll have to build on it. Make them two different people, not carbon copies of each other.

So far, I like the idea and with a little work, you can definitely have something good. There's potential there, so keep working on it. Remember, the more you rewrite it and correct it, the better it gets. Drafts sound worse than they are, I promise. Keep it up and let me know when yu've got more up so I can keep reading. :)

This review was written for a previous version of this writing

Posted 11 Years Ago


2 of 2 people found this review constructive.


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Added on January 17, 2011
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Amanda Dawn Sanderson-Greer
Amanda Dawn Sanderson-Greer

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I'm an entirely different breed, gladly embracing the fact that I'm an odd ball. I'm a YA writer that's do everything she can to stop procrastinating long enough to complete a novel, in order to self.. more..

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