Part 15

One night, when Sid came into my room, I motioned him up onto my bed. He sat down beside me wearing a confused expression on his face. “Is everything okay?” He asked, concern coloring his tone. I nodded nervously. I had no idea how to do this. “Everything's fine.” I reassured him. “There's just something I wanted to talk to you about.” He looked instantly wary but said “Of course.”

“I was just wondering...” I trailed off, my gaze falling downward. I felt my face flush. I was blushing. “If you wanted to sleep in the bed with me tonight?”

“Oh,” he seemed surprised. “I'm...I don't think that's such a good idea, Lennie.” At that moment I felt my heart deflate. He was rejecting me! Perhaps I'd been wrong in my assessment of his feelings for me. I was automatically on the offensive.

“Why not?” I demanded shrilly. I cringed at how needy and desperate I sounded. Sid sighed. “I know we've had a 'friends with benefits' relationship in the past, but I just can't do it anymore. It's too...complicated now.”

“You think I'm just looking for sex?” I cried. I was offended. The confused look was back on Sid's face. “You don't want sex?” He asked. I glared at him. “Sid, I'm not sure how to say this, so I'm just going to say it... I think I'm in love with you.”

Much to my surprise and chagrin, Sid began to laugh. It wasn't a happy, joyous laugh, but a cold, humorless one. “You're not in love with me, Lennie.” He said. “You're just lonely.” He shook his head, dismissing my profession of love. My heart throbbed painfully. There was no way I could be feeling this amount of pain if I didn't love him.

“So maybe I am lonely.” I admitted. “That has nothing to do with the way I feel about you.”

“You and I both know that if Jeffrey was alive right now then you'd be with him.” Sid pointed out. There was a hard edge to his voice, but underneath that there was pain.

“You know what, you're probably right!” I said, my voice raising an octave with each word. “I probably would be with Jeffrey right now. I'd probably be engaged to him! But it would have been the biggest mistake of my life! He could never be to me what you are!” I was screaming now, spit flying from my mouth onto Sid's lip. I took a few deep, calming breaths. Sid appeared stunned by my outburst. For a long time neither of us said anything.

“What am I to you, Lennie?” He finally asked. This time I didn't hesitate. “You're everything.” I told him. He frowned, seemingly displeased and unconvinced by my answer.

“I can't give you all the things that he could.” Sid said. “I can't promise you a future where we'll never have to worry about money; one where we'll never lay awake at night wondering how we're going to make it through the month.”

“I don't care about those things.” I said fiercely. “I don't care if we have to spend the rest of our lives in this s**t hole! I'm not going to say money doesn't matter, because we both know that's bullshit, but whatever obstacles we face we'll get through them together. Just like we always have.”

“You have no idea how much I want to believe you.” Sid whispered. He took my hands in his. “But until Jeffrey died you never showed any interest in pursuing a serious romantic relationship with me. Now that he's gone you've changed your tune. You have to understand why I'm skeptical.”

“I do understand, Sid, and I need you to understand that there's a part of me that loved and still loves Jeffrey. Sometimes you can love more than one person at the same time. But while I loved Jeffrey, I never needed him. That's the difference between you and him. I love and need you. We need each other.”

“Do you really mean that?” Sid asked. I groaned in frustration. Why was he being so stubborn? I was supposed to be the stubborn one! “What do you think?” I demanded, and I leaned toward him and pressed my lips to his. Almost immediately his arms were wrapping themselves around my waist and mine were curling around his neck. When I finally broke the kiss, I placed my head on his chest and closed my eyes. “I love you.” I told him. He placed his head atop mine. “I love you.” He replied. We stayed like this for an insurmountable amount of time, content to just hold each other.