Christmas Tears

As of late I have noticed a distressing trend of loss.
Pieces of me have fallen away or have broken away in the storms I have weathered.
My confidence, that took so long to find seems to have skipped off with my
peace of mind... and I am lost amongst the merriment.

I don't know where to begin.
I dare not travel back where I have been,
nor do I want to be the girl or woman I was then,
but pain and anxiety seem to be my constant companions,

they haven't left, as they sit in faded calico dresses
around my kitchen table smoking like it was the 50's,
and no matter how often I banish them they smile,
nod and make eye contact with each other, a shared joke.

I cannot  excise my memories through my tears,
each droplet hold a sliver of pain but the glacier that sits
directly on my chest never seems dissipate.
How did I become the trauma I've endured?

The holidays, how I want to lose myself in the
lights and glitter, but instead it makes the dullness darker,
My mind is black and my guilt is cutting. My last loss is still fresh
and it has resurrected previous losses, once relegated to the back shelves,

and I look at them as they all stand side by side in my mind.
I want to make a tree from them all, where the roots are made from all who once loved me,
the trunk should be created from all those who have held me up and raised me.
The branches are my attempt to reach for the sky, the tiny green leaves represent all the good deeds I have done,
the flowers are my children.

What I want this Christmas is what I can never have, so why do I insist in wanting...
A table surrounded, not by the interlopers, instead by all the people I miss so much,
because the holidays shall never be the same, and I cannot seem to recreate
the magic that surrounded those days before plans changed and people left.

I think of you this Christmas, Triss and Bill my parents, my nephew Darius lost at 19,
Aunt Mary you died when you were just 43 leaving four children to raise.
My grandmother who died at 99, and how I miss her, but other Grandparents I never knew.
We are lost to one another on this plane where I am loved but also scarred.
 
So many gone, those stories gone too and I can only piece together the photographs left behind.
I still cry for you before I put on my holiday face and meet those who are still here as we bind
our love to one another. I must live in the moment but I will never leave those other moments to languish
in a photo album. I will always love and long for you, and share with you, my secret Christmas tears.

Reviews

[jacob erin-cilberto]

well you know i have recently had loss too...my mom.

and even before this, something about the luster of christmas...had already been so lost.
that old spirit i wish i could get back...but the holidays are just painful really...hard to get into the spirit with the spirits of all those close to me i have lost...and of course knowing how tough this first christmas is for my dad without her....
damn...the shine of the season is so tarnished these days...i just want it all to be over.

it is more taxing than anything else.

i relate so much to this...and also think about the two grandparents i never knew...

one of the two i knew was an a*****e...that was my mom's dad....he was not a good man or parent to my mom...

and this year my dad is way up in the mountains with my sister and brother in law, and getting there may not be possible because of weather.--
wow your personal journey in this poem really inspired my own journey...
a really moving poem that touched me deeply.

[icelandicblue]

Oh Jacob...It is so very hard. We know everything cannot remain but we do not know how to start again from the void that is left behind. I cannot wait for the holidays to be over as well. It's just too painful.

[TL Boehm]

I hesitate to comment because this is over a year old and well, you've got twenty peeps before me who've given you love. But you're one of my favorites and I feel the words as they rattle around in my own heart. I hope things are better for you. Anxiety and pain suck. No way around that. They are companions of mine too, welling up from my core into my writing and its not pretty - Peace.

[.]

-- i miss my maternal grandfather a lot... he died before i was born... -- i was still a little girl when i discovered that he was a writer who'd written poetry, short stories, novels and plays... and he was a prof. who taught english... -- some days i want to talk to him so desperately that i can't bear his absence and i sob... -- and, he's just one of the people i wish i could meet... -- then there are those that i've met who are no longer alive... -- we (as in us humans) feel so vacant without them... -- i think sometimes that we have hollow pockets in our hearts that can never be filled... -- i wouldn't be able to begin to express this sentiment... but you've expressed it with a lot of sensitivity, love and care... -- thank you for writing this post and thank you for sharing it...

[icelandicblue]

One of the truly hard parts of being human is loss. Change is ever present and the past can never be captured again. It makes me feel cherished and lonely all at the same time.

[.]

-- yeah... i know what you mean...

[Cassie]

This is a very very sad poem (Tears) I normally mostly dont read long poems but this particular one engrossed me and made my throat get so dry. I particularly loved this line ( make eye contact with each other, a shared joke)

[icelandicblue]

Thank you Cassie. ; )

[Linda Marie Van Tassell]

Christmas has never been tinseled joy for me. My father committed suicide when I was four; and while I was too young to remember, I think on some subconscious level that I knew. He had killed himself on December 14th. Every year as I child I dreaded it. I would stay in bed as long as possible. There was no joy; nothing for which to rise. My mother served a biological function, but she was no mother. I had no other family to speak of, no photos, no memories, no dear loved ones to remember and cherish. They were lost to me in the river of life. I myself feeling like a piece of driftwood.

Cherish the memories, the photographs, and the fact that you were loved. It pains the heart to know it, but there are so many unloved ones in this world.

Your poignant poem, while sad, rejoices in the love you have known; and nothing - not time nor distance - can take that away from you.

[icelandicblue]

Oh Linda...I want to cherish those moments because if I don't some day I'll cry over those missed opportunities too. I am so sorry it took me so long to get back to you.

[AprilRN1210]

This was my first Christmas without my brother and I cannot tell you how hard it was for me, this feels like you saw into my soul, into my pain, into my heartache... you write so beautifully that anyone reading cannot help but be touched by the depth and sheer sincerity of each and every word.. My heart goes out to you... I felt this one deeply and powerfully... those memories bittersweet and the overwhelming waves that hit sometimes makes me wonder if this is one storm I can weather.. such a moving piece..

[icelandicblue]

April, I am so sorry for your loss. The firsts they are the hardest. Thank you for sharing your story.

[MsJewel]

The holidays are a difficult time without the people we love. Having lost both my parents a few years ago, your story has left me teary eyed - remembering........and I am lost amongst the merriment... which pretty much sums it all up this holiday season.

You have touched my heart.

:) Julie

[icelandicblue]

There are just so many reminders this time of year that trigger happy memories but the memories are still followed by loss and I am sorry for yours. Thank you for reading Jewel.

[Rita L. Sev]

Losing such people is a double-edged sword; we cherish the memories, which would hurt so much less if there was not so much love... This piece reminds me of my Grandmother's table at Christmas - I can feel the warmth, the all-encompassing embrace of my childhood, and bask in the smiles of my grandparents, my father... a touching tribute, Blue. We love those who are still with us, but that does not fill the gaps...

[icelandicblue]

I miss them always but never so much as I do during this season. Thank you Rita.

[The Rock And Roll Cowbo..]

This is a joyous time of year, but it is also a time when loved ones in heaven are most missed. I know even though Christmas are still nice they are not the same since my mother passed away 8 years ago.

Your poem was felt deep down in my heart.

[icelandicblue]

Thanks Dale...for whatever reason it feels heavier this year. I think because the list keeps getting longer.

[The Rock And Roll Cowboy(REBEL WITH A CAUSE)]

That is most likely the best reason.

[Woody]

events such as Xmas are supposed to be happy moments but when you look around and notice the gaping void left by loved ones, the moment sours as something tugs at the heart. this is wonderful, Blue. everybody can relate to this. but, Hey! cheer up! let's be merry for the ones God chose to leave with us.

[icelandicblue]

You are right. I should live in the moment, not in the past.

[MomzillaNC]

This is simply a beautiful remembrance… a lovely way to honor those we'll miss for all the rest of our days.

NOTES: This reads more like a non-fiction short story than a poem. I recommend framing as such.

[icelandicblue]

Thank you Momzilla.

[MomzillaNC]

yw :)