Chapter 19: Drugs

Liam shows Emily his secret.

Emily.

Would it be weird,

if I told you this place
sometimes kind of made me

happy?

Would you laugh at me and
then agree that I'm in fact

insane?

Or maybe just assume that
I'm being overly

emotional?

At first it is hard fitting in,
not sure if I am actually crazy.

(am I?)

Then I realize it doesn''t really
matter what I think is

right,

or wrong. I'm stuck here either way.
But I'm also slowly being swallowed by

sadness.

Wrapped around the inevitable fact
of how hopelessly weak I am

becoming.

That ugly, unbreakable mirror in my
simple, sanitary washroom no longer shows

who

I am. But who I have to be in
order to break out of here.

I

have to show them I'm better somehow.
That sane, Emily Overture, is who I

am.

Liam shows me things I never would've imagined,

happening in a place like this.
Weed tightly packed in the
pages of old tattered books,

that students haven't bothered to
touch. At first I hesitate,
sure that the few times I have

smoked couldn't have prepared
me for being high, in the environment
I am currently in.

"Don't worry,"

he reassures me quietly, behind
the stacks of books in the stock
room during group time. I had

mumbled some bitter excuse
about my period  being too
 heavy, cramps too overwhelming

 to sit for so long. I have gained
enough of Paige's and some of
the other, regular nurses' trust,

to be able to go on walks by
myself as long as I remember to
check in every so often. I'm

 not too sure how Liam gets
out of it, but he has a smooth
tongue, words melt from between

 his lips and people seem to
have no choice but to
believe whatever he says.

"I have some eye drops back in my room."

"The smell." I whisper back,
emphasizing by pulling my
wrinkled t-shirt forward.

"It smells like
 I've been
raped by a skunk."

"Lucky skunk then, eh?"

He always says things like
 this. Things that make me
all jittery. Things that make

my heart stutter and
make me have to hold
my breath until I'm sure

it'll start again. He knows
he does it too, because
with a light chuckle he'll

smile that Hollywood material
smile and look away, satisfied
with the effect he has on me.

"Here, take a toke from this end."

He politely places the
joint in front of my face, not
shoving it towards my mouth

or forcing it into my hands.
I wonder where he gets the
weed from and if I'm the first

person he's ever shared it
with. Something inside my
gut tells me I'm not.

"Don't worry so much, babe."

The word makes my heart
stop again. This time I have
to reach out for the joint or

I might pass out. There's a
rush from the smoke that
adds to that. An unsettling

burn in my throat that makes
my jaw hurt and my sinuses
burn. A puff of smoke escapes

my lips, dense and thick. I hold
back the choke lodged in my
throat.

"I thought you said you've done this before."

I wonder if I ever told him I have,

but

 I
can't
 reme
mber.
App
aren
tly I
take
an
alar
ming
amou
nt of
time
to an
swer
beca
use
Liam
begi
ns to
shak
e my
should
ers.

"Someone's coming!"

He scrambles to hide the joint,

finally stashing it
behind a few old
books that look

like they haven't
been touched since
our birth. He tosses

me the water bottle
by his left foot and
I down half of it

before throwing it
back so he can do
the same. My head

is still fuzzy but the
thought of being
caught holds back
most of the high,

for now.

"Who's back there?"
Brett pulls me out
of the cramped space

and into the larger
space of the library,
by the single desks
and chairs.

I think

I recognize the
voice until the
source comes

into view. Liam
shoves a random
nearby book with a

picture of a lady
bathing her dog
on the front cover,

my way and
mimes the action
of reading with his

own randomly
chosen book.

I'll

admit his does
look much more
intriguing. I

stray

away from the
urge to laugh.
The words on

the first page
make no sense.
The nurse comes

from

nowhere.
Watching Liam
and I as if we're on

drugs.