everything

<*>
For the man I thought to be my own/
Don’t expect me to write a song-
After all, the tables have turned and I’ve seen

 your soul beg and steal and martyr for a

 loaf of bread-
I am not the one to be messed with-
Lose me, lose me; over and over again... fine,

 leave

 me inside the gutter, I’ll learn to smoke out of

 the

 pipes the creatures provide, using their

 carcasses

 as smoking lines and their organs stuffed

 inside their intestines-
I am alone, afraid... but by god I have

 strengthened

 my grave and at long last I have made my 

own name, no! Not with you!-

<**>
To the woman I knew whose worth was until I didn’t/
Here is all I’ve ever felt since my last word, and all the

 words in between that I haven’t said, in every day that I

 ignored to put into consideration for a poem: (I haven’t

 actually talked about it but...) what is love?/
Is it the persistence? The devotion, the “I’ll stand by you

 even if you think I’m not worth it”-ness of it all? Is it my

 inability to comprehend but you telling me anyways so I

 won’t make the same mistake?/
True, I haven’t been there but you can’t say I haven’t been

 there, that I haven’t been scared, a second away from

 abandonment

, oh but it’s not the same thing coz it hasn’t happened to me

 the same way it has for you, has it?/
Is love the way you treat me?/
Is it bursting into tears when I see you coz, after all, you’re the

 only person I want to see?/

<**>
Is it love when you abandon me because I don’t “understand”?/
Oh, but I’ll always be here to remind you of everything you’ve

 lost... if only out of self satisfaction for myself. No I don’t

 wanna come back. No I don’t want you to come back/
Not anymore/

<*>
You stole me away from myself. Told the world to watch

 out for myself. I never thought you’d end up alone as you

 are now. I always thought the world of you. That your fingertips

 could heal the blind. Oh but my love I’ve been so blind to

 the actuality of it all/
And isn’t that charming, when all you’ve done right in your

 life is left behind with only but a few lines of your lies, I

 only wonder why and how and when but... there’s no use anymore/
Nothing more to hide. Nothing more to say. All the days

 remain the same, going the same way. I don’t know what’s

 wrong. I don’t know what’s right. So let me live alone. Faithful

 to the night. No more tears to shed. No more blood to be bled, 

just me and the moon, alone in my misery.

<***>
To all my past lovers and people I’ve ever loved but never

 told: I am not apologizing, this isn’t your story to unfold

, but one things for certain, a thing that shakes off the

 rust and the dust and the lies; something to hold onto

 when it’s night and you close your eyes. I have the fairies

 magic, I have the mermaids songs, I have all mystical

 and mythical creatures within my fold, all because I do not belong/
Make something of it, the dense and the bold, flesh out

 my wounds, be brave in the cold/
The maze in my mind, is yet to unfurl, read my lips and

 dissect my heart, even then I won’t oblige/
Easy come, easy go- I give my love so willingly, please

 don’t think I aim to please, I only know honesty/

<****>
To myself, my body, heart and mind; the only word I have is I apologize/
I don’t know why I do what I do, letting my mind and heart be abused

, but I know one day I’ll stop, but that won’t replace the clot that’s 

built up/
My mind drivel’s and suddenly I’m yours, ready to commit, ready to endure/
My heart says no but still I’m persistent, I fool my heart into another

 commitment/
I let it sink in, what I’ve done; then I block the person and take off in a run/
I wanna be in a relationship, I really do, but when it comes to the

 heart of the matter; I don’t belong, I don’t choose you/
Something itches inside that I tend to keep quiet “you’re not ready for this”
And it echoes.
Again.
Again.
Again. /

<5*>
To the moments I’ve missed spending time on my phone, yes

 I admit I do feel alone, with family downstairs and food on the

 table, I’ve got to submit; no I’m not stable/
They don’t know, the blind eyes they have, or maybe they

 do, but they just can’t grasp, my minds a minefield, ready

 to implode, all that’ll take is a few angry words./
My inner child flies to the surface; mommy and daddy and

 brother and sister, I never had the time to have the time

 for the time of my child, never will I ever leave her out in the wild/

<****>
I’m sorry to my body, the pain and the pleasure; I should’ve

 been more careful, for this is my treasure/
+*** - I shouldn’t have let you in coz I wasn’t ready. Even

 tho I said I was, my mind wasn’t steady/
(On my spinning wheel, I spin my thoughts into a giant

 reel and I take a step back, I smile and relax, everything’s

 according to plan)/
My brain and mind are two separate things, I gather one

 is mass and the other does everything/
Mass is concrete, facts and hard truth; The way of the

 world as seen from my shoes/
The boy and the men that come in and out my life, they’re

 not toys, nothing more than angel-elites/
As they go, I bless their soul, thanking them for all they’ve

 told, I bank on them going home, for it’s be wrong of me to leave

 them alone/
My heart and body and mind and soul, sometimes have

 no place to go so I roam, where all the wild things roam, in the 

cavern, dark... full of mold/

<*5>
I am not my mothers daughter, for if I was I would’ve caught

 her, sneaking out of the house at 2am, or coming back

 home at 2am when she’s gone out since 6pm the other day/
I am not my mothers daughter, not my fathers daughter, not

 my brothers sister, not my sisters sister.... but I am all of that without 

knowing. And with them I can be stronger

Author's Note

<*>- referring to my ex
<**>- referring to my ex best friend
<***>- referring to all the boys i've ever loved but haven't told
<****>- referring to my heart, mind, body and soul
<5*>- referring to the moments i've been missing with my family due to my phone
[there is a combo if <***> and <****> which refers to the relationship between my heart, body, mind and soul and all the boys i've ever loved but haven't told]