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fitting the puzzles together of a childhood not spoken for.

With the driving force of those thoughts pull me closer to sanity and insanity. Not knowing the difference between being asleep and being a wake but either way I have to face those monsters. Nevertheless I don’t know why I made myself do such a things that conflict with all I have been raised to believe. To think before acting was something I was first taught so to not back talk, but that isn’t so simple as to not respond on reactions that have been mentally put inside me since my awakening with in this world.

Thinking off on the idea of a camping trip I was on, I was walking on one of the trails. I was about 9 years old before witnessing something that wasn’t either beautiful or ugly but paralyzing. The sounds of leafs and rocks thrashing against the cooled ground and trees. Looking behind the rustling bushes that seem to make me hysterical with thoughts of adventure. But what I got behind those bushes was something that was not meant for someone so disconnected from nature itself to witness.  I was also raised with beliefs of god having already preordain a path that would either lead to hell or to his feet so to bow down and become a slave. But I saw nature that contradicted those believes and ideals. 

With the heavy breath of this wild beast running rapid through the forest floor. It slowly began to steady and stretched it head to the sky. I watch looking amazed with boyish thrill to see what became of such animal to become so excited. Then I saw it four hooves grip the ground and start to push what it seems to be a head from it bottom. With not realizing it, I was clenching the branches so hard that blood started to drench on the cool forest floor. The animal began trying to grasp the air like it was drowning, with its head up in the sky she expands her chest and then exhales. Thus like a simple reaction I gasp and the animal lit out the rest of the being within her. It was covered with blood and a clear fluid that made me not blink, not after what I witness. Then the new mother begins to stubble and fall to the ground with no indication of god’s presence or strings that attach to all his puppets. 

With her eyes gradually reflecting the grayness and then with a silent second of peace becomes short lived. The sharp aching pain in my chest proved to be something that would leach the rest of my childhood. Neither did I reflect those color of eyes until my 24 birthday. But what happened to the baby? And I don’t know, I never saw what happened to that half lived infant. At least I didn’t say half dead so that makes me somewhat an optimistic person right? Nevertheless I was a coward who ran away from nature at it truest form and I left with my blood soaked hands. 

Author's Note

Thanks