Project Backwards; Chapter Eleven

Chapter Eleven:

     Steve awoke to find himself lying on a fine spun-gold and white couch, in a high-ceilinged white room with wine-colored walls and beige carpeting. Where was he? Just then, a tall man stuck his head in the door, and asked,

     “Excuse me, Steven, but have you seen Vice President Burr around?”

Steve was awe-struck; President Thomas Jefferson! “Eh, no your Excellency!”

     “Well s**t! And please, none of that; that right there is the very reason we fought for independence from Great Britain. As Under-Secretary of the Treasury, you, of all people, should know we don’t stand on ceremony, or respond to fancy titles. Simply Thomas, or Mr. Jefferson will do. I’m not even crazy about Mr. President. Sounds pompous.”

     “Yes, of course Thomas; I forgot myself because I was sleeping.”

     “Well Steve, you work too hard; take a vacation with your lovely wife 

     Hernoifadis.”

     Hernoifadis? “Yes sir.”

     “What did I just say? Well, if you should happen to see Mr. Burr, tell him we need to go over the numbers money-wise on The Louisiana Purchase. Napoleon is trying to ream us, claiming we had agreed to a much-higher price.”

     Steve was shocked to hear this kind of language from the author of The Declaration of Independence. “Yes , I’ll tell him you’re looking for him, if I see him.”

     “Well, good luck; that lazy s.o.b. is always shirking his duties. Haven’t seen the b*****d for 2 or 3 days.”

     So, Thomas Jefferson swore like a sailor with a parrot that was always crapping on his shoulder, whatever that meant.

     After the president left, Steve was wondering how he should occupy himself, when a rather short, fairly-attractive man with a receding hairline walked by his office. He had cleverly deduced it was his office, when he read the plaque on the door, which read,

     

     “Office of the Under-Secretary of the Treasury, United States of America, Steven Weaver”

     Steve ran to the door and shouted, “Mr. Burr?” He was relying on his memories of what Burr looked like on his remembrances of high school history. Oh s**t, what if he was wrong? His fears were allayed when the man stopped, stuck his head in the door, and said ,

     “Yes?”

     “Ah, the president would like to see you.”

     Muttered oaths of disgust vented from Burr’s mouth. “It figures; why can’t he just leave me alone?”

     “Oh, I think it has something to do with The Louisiana Purchase.”

     “Ah yes, The Louisiana Purchase; millions of acres that represent Jefferson’s folly. If he thinks anybody will ever live there, I’ve got a bridge to nowhere I’d like to sell him. Of course, just because something’s useless, doesn’t stop Mr. Jefferson from overpaying millions for it. Napoleon must be smiling today!”

     “More like rolling over in his grave!” mumbled Steve.

     “Pardon?

     “Nothing; instead of Seward’s Folly, it’s Jefferson’s Folly,” Steve absent-mindedly said.

     “As much as I’d love to listen to you babble nonsense, I’ve got to get back to doing absolutely nothing; boy, being vice president is like t**s on a boar!”

     A little while after Burr had left, Steve was exploring The White House. After all, it wasn’t every day that a fella got to time travel to the White House in the 19th century! He was exploring a hallway, no idea where he was going, when he happened by an open office door. Aaron Burr was speaking in hushed tones to a gentleman with a powdered wig. Steve had to strain in order to hear what was being said.

     “I think I can help you, Mister Lobby, I know a couple of guys in the road construction business, and I’m pretty sure if you grease the right palms, the contract to build the hi way into no-mans land, a road to nowhere, if you will, will be your company’s.”

     Well, Steve had always figured the term ‘lobbyist’ was referring to lobbying, but apparently, it was so-called because of this guy.

     “Please, call me Spud. And The Louisiana Purchase might be nothing but uninhabitable waste land, but that doesn’t mean guys like you and I shouldn’t profit from it, eh?”

     Spud Lobby?

     “Eh, ha, ha! Wait a minute, this stupid door came open again; wouldn’t want anyone to here, eh, ha, ha!” Burr replied, and their voices faded and were silenced by the shutting door.

     Steve remembered from high school history, and college history, that Aaron Burr was a somewhat-shady character, and the conversation he’d overheard confirmed this. The question now was, what should he do about it? He thought it over, and decided to tell Jefferson.

     “So, that’s the conversation I overheard, Mr. Pres--err--Tom.”

     “Why that complete b*****d; that s**t-for-brains scumbag; that...”

     Steve interrupted his profanity-laced rampage, “I thought you should be made aware of you vice president’s activities, Tom.”

     “Yeah, thanks Steve.”

      A few hours later came a knock on Steve’s door. When he answered it, Thomas Jefferson was standing there.

     “Thomas, can I help you with something?”

     “Oh no, I just was passing by, and thought I’d give you an update on The Burr Problem. I mentioned it to Alexander Hamilton, and he got pissed, and said not to worry; that he’d handle it. I wonder what he meant by that?”

     Gee, I wonder? “Oh, I’m sure he’ll just talk to him, Thomas.”

     “I hope that’s all; I hope he doesn’t do something crazy, like challenge him to a duel, or something. Knowing Hamilton, that’s the kind of thing he’d do. Burr’s a shallow, greedy b*****d, but Hamilton’s temper get’s him in deep s**t!”

     After Jefferson left, Steve decided this would be a good time to leave; he knew how this story ended. Before he could, however, came a knock upon his door. He opened it, and Alexander Hamilton asked,

     “Hey, there Steve; listen, I know I haven’t been around too much lately, but I’d like to make it up to you. What do you say to hitting the tavern across the street, and having a few grogs? I just have to deal with Burr, then I’ll be free for the rest of the evening.”

     Try forever! thought Steve, “Ah, I’ve got plans, Alex. Maybe some other time?” yeah right!

     “Okay Steve, we’ll see you tomorrow.”

      Sure! “Okay Alex, and would you mind some advice? Shoot to kill!”

     “Steve, as much as Burr pisses me off, I don’t really want to kill him.”

     “Okay Alex, good luck!” Aint going to help you any!

     As he watched Hamilton’s back disappear down the corridor and into history, Steve said” get me out of here!” and everything went dark.

Reviews

[char]

Yep. Napolean needs a higher price to pay for his war. And the famous duel! Nice! I like the behind the scenes thing going on. I'm so glad I read history books for giggles, I actually get the humor and sarcasm!

[Michael Stevens]

Thank you Anna; yeah, I suppose if one didn't read history, it wouldn't work!