What I can say

When someone means everything to you but that feeling is not reciprocated

I won't describe her fully to you,
The words to describe her purely and truly just--don't exist
-- And I won't say her name either
It's too sacred to say to souls who don't even know her
And, well, it's not really mine to say
Because... she was never mine to hold.
But what I can say are the feelings she brought me
And then you can decide for yourself if I truly loved her.

I may be a poet, and that means I write poetry
But my pen is merely an extract of her heart
And the words she speaks create the ink I write with
--In other words... she's everything to me
In my poems: she is the beginning, the middle, and the end
And in my life
-- she is even more
She is my pain and suffering, my joy and happiness
She is the light at the end of my tunnel
But-- she is also the never-ending tunnel
Without her, I would be nothing
But with her, I have nothing
All of these emotions constantly swirl around me, throwing me deeper and deeper into a dark deep abyss
-- where my heart once was
And everytime I'm ready to give in to the darkness...
She reaches her hand out and saves me from myself
But she doesn't even know it.

So I can't tell you just how much I need her in my life
Because, to be honest, I don't fully know myself
And I can't say how many nights I've spent crying myself to sleep.
I stopped counting after the first straight week
-- I can't even say what I plan to do with myself anymore,
But what I can say is that I will never be the same
And I will never want to be.

Author's Note

Still trying out free-verse. Let me know what you think

Reviews

[William Liston]

This is the best poem I've read from you so far. The structure of ideas and the "overflow" of emotions that you created was just amazing. Free-verse really complimented this; it allowed you to just pour out your emotions. As far as structuring ideas is concerned (or in other words, presenting ideas in a certain order that gives the poem its due emotional intensity), you're nearly perfect; the only thing you need to work on is how you write about those ideas.

Before I critique this poem as a whole, let me first point out a simple mistake you made. In the fourth line of the first stanza, it says "It's too sacred to say to souls who don't even know her." I suggest using the word "risky" or "scary" instead of "scared."

Now, to critique this poem as a whole, I must say that despite the fact that you arranged the ideas in a way that steadily increases this poem's intensity, this piece ultimately suffers from your lack of originality. I must, however, commend you on some of the lines in this poem such as "my pen is merely an extract of her heart" and "All of these emotions constantly swirl around me, throwing me deeper and deeper into a dark deep abyss." Those lines have very good imagery, and they are, for the most part, original.

You used cliches in the following lines:
second stanza, lines 4, 5, 8, 9, 11
third stanza line 1, 2, 3,

Another thing that could make this poem better is...well... making it more like a poem. As you probably know, prose and poetry are two different things; unlike prose, poetry arranges/uses words and phrases in a certain way to create a flow, which is why grammatical errors and sentence fragments are, to an extent, acceptable in poetry. Though making your work more "poetic" should get better with time, I'll still address some things in this poem that make it more like an essay or prose than like a poem. First of all, there are many words and phrases that you use in this that, in my opinion, would be suitable for prose but are unnecessary in poetry. In other words, they interrupt the "streaming flow of ideas" that a poem creates. In the second line of the first stanza, the word "because" is unnecessary. I suggest trimming out the words that can be omitted while still keeping the meaning. I also suggest switching out lengthy phrases for meaningful words. (This critique is mainly my personal preference. If it doesn't fit your style, I understand. Just use what you find best fit).

In this poem, as well as your other works, you show a special talent for describing the abstract. I think it would be beneficial for you to experiment with literary paradoxes and antithetical statements. Basically, they're just statements that use two opposite concepts. (This one's my favorite: "It's the soul afraid of dying that never learns to live"). I'd give you more info on this, but I suck at describing the abstract without using imagery (which is what many antithetical statements do).

If you have any questions or concerns, please respond.

-William Liston

[Darian B.]

Thank you for the lengthy review, it gives me a lot of insight and there is a lot to learn from it. However, there is a lot about this particular poem i will most likely not change.

First, I would like to mention that I used the word sacred, and not scared. Just minor but it probably changes the whole meaning of that particular line for you :)

The cliches may hinder me as a poet, but I think they strengthen me emotionally. I know to be a great poet, I would have to throw away use of cliches as a whole but, while I want to improve my poetry, I do not intend to become one of the greats. My poetry has a purpose of its own and I don't want to lose that purpose. I will try to become aware of my cliches and decide whether I want to use them or not but I don't think there is anything wrong with using cliches. To me, if a cliche describes how I feel, I will probably use it simply because I want to make an emotional impact and cliches do that if used right. I believe the way I use them does enable them to bring that impact.

As far as the prose/ poetry thing goes, I agree that the first because can go, but in general I rather like my structure in this poem. The problem is, I have a rather specific way I envision this poem being said to fully grasp the extent of the emotion that went into this piece. However, if you think it would be more appropriate to put this under the poetry/prose subcategory, I can do that. I just don't want to change anything major about this one.

Concerning the last part, I really do like that idea. I love sentences that seem to question a very existence of something so I will definitely look into it.

Overall, your analyses are very helpful and I do enjoy them. They have strengthened me as a writer ten-fold but I don't intend to change this poem very much. I think this piece achieves its emotional purpose and I don't want to meddle with that.

Thank you for taking all the time that you have to critique my , I know your last two critiques didn't seem to make me change much but I do value your insight and it does expand my overall view of how to write poetry. Thank you, I'm sorry if this is not the response you are looking for :/

[William Liston]

I'm glad that you told me what your aim as a poet is. The main reason why I critique your use of cliches is because it takes away your individuality, but now that I know that you aspire to be an emotional poet rather than a great one, I'll critique your works a little differently next time. I'm glad to see that you have a certain reason behind what you do in your works. I liked your response to my review.

[William Liston]

If you haven't already, I think you should check out my favorite spoken-word poet: Shane Koyczan. I think you'd like his style. I suggest you read (or listen to) his poem "Sometimes We Cry."

[Darian B.]

Thank you so much for understanding. Really though, I have appreciated everything you have taught me. There is importance to improving writing as a whole because strengthening the structure can often times strengthen the emotion as well. You have helped me do that time and time again

[William Liston]

I apologize for the scared/sacred mistake.

[Darian B.]

I will definitely check him out, recently I've been really drawn to spoken-word poetry and don't worry about the scared thing. I'm just glad I could clear it up

[Black Jess]

Awesome piece Darian i think it's one of your best writings . i like some sentences such as 'And the words she speaks create the ink I write with ' and ' she is the beginning, the middle, and the end ' and many others i can't write them all otherwise i will write almost the entire poem xD . I really really really understand you because i'm exactly like you . actually the first poem i posted was about that , love from one side , not reciprocated i called it '' love in the air '' . we're sharing the same pain so i think now it will be a bit heavier for you to hold it cause i'm holding the other half . anyway i'm just kidding . everyone can imagine your situation right now cause your words were so meaningful , but if only she could read this . fantastic job darian darling .

[H.L. Cerveise]

You show very well the deep feelings you have for her and how she has become your, "beginning, the middle, and the end ...And in my life." How she is your savior from the "darkness..." within, and she will never know it, leaves me with a great sadness. The last two lines which I will not repeat this time show a total mind and heart shift she has changed you would not give the time you did have with her up for anything.

Well done.

[Nisreen]

i find this natural feeling in all your work
Yes being in love with someone can sometimes hurt
and living in and out of it
its a killer

its so beautiful you could love someone so much

[Addict With a Pen]

Very nice poem! I like your free-verse, you make the reader feel very comfortable by giving such casual approach to your writing. It sounds like you are talking straight to me. I think it's cool, and different.
Great write!

[Michaela Moerke]

You threw me into a windstorm of inspiring metaphores and heart-clenching thoughts. A piece that can very well make the reader question everything they thought they knew about love. Fantastic, I don't think I've found a piece of your writing I didn't like and I don't think I will.