Harper

CHAPTER 1

 

HARPER

 

       As I walk out of Miami International University of Art and Design after graduation, I spot my Aunt Gina, sister Leah, and best friend Matt waiting in the front lawn. My good friend and roommate for the last four years, Claire, is at my side. Her family did not make it to graduation, so she joins mine instead, disappointed not to have anyone there to support her and be proud of our huge accomplishment. Her family was never too supportive or encouraging.

Knowing my aunt will want more pictures to capture this day, Claire and I left our graduation gowns on over our dresses. It’s the least I can do. After all, she did drive three hours to come watch me walk across a stage and get a piece of paper to prove I graduated. I should be glad and grateful she cares enough to show up and is so proud of me. I guess I’m lucky, since Claire doesn’t even have anyone here for her, except us of course. Gina, Leah, and Matt spot us coming toward them and immediately have smiles on their faces.

I have to suck it up and pretend this is the happiest day of my life. I need to act like I care that I just graduated and reached one of the most important stages of my life. I glance over at Claire who is all smiles, which helps a little, take a deep breath, and fake a smile for my family and best friend. They’d be crazy if they didn’t know I’m not as happy as I am trying to act, but I need to do it for them and to make the best of this day.

My aunt closes the distance between us and gives me a big hug, as do my sister and Matt. I hug all three and take in my surroundings for a minute. As I look around, all the students are with their families, happy, smiling, laughing, and so proud and excited to be there. A wave of emotion comes over me, and I have to look down for a minute and get myself together. They can’t see me upset or know how sad this day actually makes me.

One more deep breath, and I look up at my aunt, who holds a camera, eager to snap some pictures of all of us. It will make her happy, so I will do it, no questions asked. “Aunt Gina, do you want one of Claire and me?” I ask, doing my best to pretend.

“Please! I also want one with you and Leah, you and Matt, and all of you together! You don’t mind, do you?” she asks.

I shake my head and get next to Claire for a picture. I take one with Leah, then Matt. Finally, Claire takes a picture of Aunt Gina, Leah, Matt, and me, and I don’t have to pretend anymore. No more pictures. Aunt Gina puts her camera away, and we can take off our graduation gowns. I did it. I made it through graduation without falling apart.

Matt catches my eye and gives an understanding smile, but all I can give is a strained one back. I can’t fake it with him. I stare out in the distance for a moment, wrapped up in my own thoughts, and take in everything around us. Startled, my sister suddenly appears in front of me. She puts her hand on my arm.

“You okay?” She’s concerned, I know, but she must be feeling the same way I am. She has never been able to hide her feelings as well, but I know she’s just putting on a brave face for me today and trying to take everyone’s mind off other things.

I look up at her and reply, “Not really, Leah. Come on, really. You can’t tell me you’re okay, especially on a day like this.”

“No, I’m not okay either. I know what you’re feeling, but I truly am proud of you today and want to make the best of it somehow. Harper, mom and dad would be so proud, are so proud.” She gives me a hug, letting me know how happy they would be today. I know they would have been here and would have been all smiles as I graduated. They have always been my biggest supporters and encouraged me my entire life to do what I love and follow my dreams. In their eyes, no dream was unreachable with persistence and hard work. I want to prove them right and make something of myself.

I look up to see Matt looking at us. I walk the short distance to him, and he gives me a hug, which somehow makes me even more emotional and a little better all at once. He has a way of doing that. “I’m so proud of you, Harp. You worked so hard, and you deserve the best. I hope you know that.”

I smile at him, as much as I can, and quickly wipe a stray tear away. “Thank you. That means a lot, and I appreciate you being here, more than you know.”

“You know I would never miss this. I know it’s hard for you, but that’s not the only reason I came. I’d be here anyway. It’s okay that you’re sad, you know. It’s understandable and even expected. No one will fault you for showing it, so you shouldn’t feel like you have to hide how you’re feeling.” He squeezes my hand to let me know he understands, and he’s here for me no matter what.

“Thanks, Matt. You’re right, but you know I don’t like anyone to see me upset, even family, and anyway, I need to hold it together for Aunt Gina and Leah. They’re struggling too.” I look at Matt, his face somber.

“You don’t always have to be the brave one,” Matt says with a very serious tone. He walks on to follow Gina, Leah, and Claire, leaving me behind. I watch the four of them walk on ahead of me, talking and supporting each other, but I can’t help but feel like I don’t belong.

Maybe I just care too much about acting like the strong one who’s never vulnerable or lets her guard down. I guess that’s how they all see me. They have reason to see me that way though, since I always give the impression I’m invincible and can’t be open with them.

I don’t like the way everyone views me, but it’s my fault. Even mom and dad always thought of me as the loner, who was “dark” and different, always trying to stand out and not be like anyone else. I know they worried sometimes, but in a way, I’m not completely like that girl everyone sees me as being.

What do I need to do to change that? The only way to be who I am and really make a change is to actually do something to put my life on the right track. This is probably the biggest turning point in my life so far. One decision could change everything. Unfortunately, there’s no way of knowing if it will change for the better or worse. The hardest part is not knowing what will happen after I make a decision about what to do next. It really bothers me that I don’t know what is best and just have to risk taking a chance and picking a path that seems right at this time with what is happening in my life.