Ignorant Taoists

I know too many people like this.

Ignorant Taoists

Supposedly long ago in another land that might be far away, depending on where you live, a senile librarian named Lao Tzu enjoyed just chilling out where she worked reading lots of really great books and avoiding the worst of the incessant lowbrow slapstick, chaos, and nonstop mayhem of the Chinese Warring States Period. Eventually though, she lived long enough to read all the really good books and, craving a little real life adventure for a change, she climbed onto her much beloved enormous ox, affectionately named Tiny, and together they ambled off towards the west without the slightest clue as to where the road went, but she and Tiny were both going blind from old age and never bothered watching where they were going anyway. Somehow though, Tiny seemed to sense they were going on an adventure to someplace exciting and, in his usual understated manner, excitedly wagged his tail. Sauntering along down the road at a leisurely pace they both blissfully smiled with their entire bodies and Lao Tzu started to quietly recite to herself and Tiny:

Happy Idiots

Ignorant virtue can be its own reward,

Bumbling down the road of life less traveled,

Clueless as to how to best get from point A to B,

To have clueless friends, we must first be clueless,

Thus ignorant virtue forever remains undeniable,

Despite any wackier cartoon logic that applies!

While ignorant wisdom is childishly knowing,

When like complete idiots we stop watching,

Wherever, it is we think we might be going,

Busy, talking on a cellphone or something,

The foolish path, isn't what it used to be,

Yet strangely enough remains unchanged!

Everything blending into cloudy horizons,

Where every fork in the road looks the same,

Forks, multiplying out to infinity and beyond,

Uncertain as to where the road begins and ends,

Excitement, follows our confusion and indecision,

Does anyone have a clue as to where the hell we are?

Does anybody actually know what the hell the time is?

Does anybody ever really care?

Who is the happy idiot, supposedly in charge around here?

Wish you were here,

Instead of all of these other sorry clowns bumbling around,

Because me, myself, and I enjoy being happy idiots too,

And, there is no one alive who is youer than you.

Surprisingly enough, for such a senile old bat, Lao Tzu seldom got into trouble and never bothered anyone which is why most preferred to overlook her more eccentric habits such as sometimes being a little too early when she was terribly late. Dimly aware that she knew perfectly well she could always remember something unless she stupidly forgot, nevertheless the complete buffoon would deliberately forget where she was going yet, being ever the optimistic happy idiot the old gal remained steadfastly cavalier in her own naive silly way about any wrongful mistakes she might have made in the past or might possibly make in the future. As far as she could tell, she was always equally clueless no matter where she ended up or what she did so it really didn't matter and there was, apparently, not much she could do about it anyway other than to keep trying to make the best of the situation. Lazily traipsing down the road with Tiny on a sunny day she gleefully embraced her ignorant wisdom with all the enthusiasm and reckless abandon of a child with a fabulously exciting new toy and, careful not to watch where she was going, Lao lazily stared up at the passing clouds or did anything other than blindly attempting to watch where she and Tiny were headed, only to be rudely startled sometime later.

It was a warm day and, having missed her nap, the gentle rocking and swaying of Tiny's huge warm body beneath her caused Lao to drift off into a stupor when, without warning, she inexplicably found herself flying through the air as the usually imperturbable Tiny bellowed in abject panic stricken terror and shot on ahead of her heedlessly stumbling and bumbling as fast as he could down the steep incline. Landing painfully on her butt, Lao was too startled to be frightened and, upon glancing back over her shoulder at the way they had come, with her poor vision she could just make out a group of ferocious looking bandits barreling down the path towards her and Tiny with murderous intent in their eyes, while enthusiastically sharpening their long knives and shouting out to each other which parts of Tiny they intended to eat first. Without being aware of getting to her feet, Lao came to her senses again upon discovering herself making a mad dash down the path and quickly catching up with Tiny who had slowed down for her, at which point, she then cracked a sardonic grin at the sudden realization that she and Tiny had just discovered their very first real life adventure!

The thieves had naturally assumed they could quickly and easily dispense with the frail appearing crone and, once she was out of the way, catching and killing a fat old ox should present no serious difficulties. What the bandits were unaware of was that both were in far better shape for their age then anyone had a right to be thanks to modest living, a healthy diet, and plenty of sleep and exercise. Despite her apparently foolhardy flight down the steep path, Lao Tzu always managed to land on her feet and keep right on going, thanks in part to also being a marvelous dancer and as light on her feet as they come. Men loved to cut a rug with the shy old dame, but talking to her presented more of a challenge for them which is why she never married. Anyway, the bandits erroneously assumed she must already know the path extremely well and attempted to follow in her footsteps only to painfully slip, trip, and tumble repeatedly cussing like drunken sailors the entire way. Lao couldn't restrain herself from braying like a jack a*s over her shoulder at the more inept antics of the bungling murderous thieves awkwardly tripping over their own two feet and sometimes colliding with each other head on, nevertheless, she immediately felt ashamed at herself for not feeling more sympathy for their plight. She tried to apologize yelling back at them to explain that her feet were just so light they had no clue where the hell they were going, so it was impossible for even her to follow in her own footsteps.

When everyone eventually slowed down at the same time to catch their breaths a panicked look overcame Lao who began frantically searching all around her on the path in front of her as if she had lost something. Finally appearing to have capitulated and relinquished her search, she shrugged her shoulders and shouted back at the bandits, "If you find another stupid fork in the road you can have it" and, with that, like an excited jack rabbit she hurled herself down the path once again with a big grin on her face. Glancing back over her shoulder a moment later she noticed that, curiously, all the robbers had given up their chase and were now mindlessly searching the ground in front of them like so many cattle hunting for food. Sighing with regret that they had abandoned their thrilling game of follow the leader, Lao caught up to Tiny and the two continued on their way still too ignorant to be less than blissfully content, if less enthusiastic now that all the excitement from their first real life adventure was over.

Another consummate fool who happened to live in the area, Chuang Tzu, was so delusional and had wasted so much time daydreaming and playing with his sock puppets he came to believe his own bullshit fantasies and had begun to convince himself that, in reality, he might actually be a butterfly because he thought their wings looked pretty. Oooooh Shiny! Dancing in circles the senile old fool would frantically lick flowers with his tongue, while leaping into the air and waving his sock puppets around as if he were a butterfly fluttering in the wind. The brainless to begin with, and now sadly misguided, senile old coot had become desperate to discover if he and his sock puppets could tell what it feels like to be a butterfly and, thus, settle the cockamamie issue once and for all. It was while running in circles screaming and shouting and leaping into the air in delight that, predictably and without warning, Chuang Tzu tripped over his own two feet and found himself flat on his back covered in dirt, scratches, and pollen with, of course, the kind face of Lao staring down at him dumbfounded, while tilting her head from side to side and blinking like an owl in nearsighted bewilderment.

Lao was flabbergasted to discover that playing with sock puppets could be so dangerous, nevertheless, she was still simple minded enough to always enjoy lending a hand if she could and, not being intimidated by either sock puppets or butterflies, she quickly volunteered to assist with any especially large, obstinate, vicious, sneaky invisible, or otherwise tricky to capture butterflies. When she then chose to elaborate explaining that she was already looking for stupid forks in the road and it wouldn't be any bother to look for pretty butterflies as well, without thinking, Chuang Tzu stopped crying and his sock puppets burst into the air above his prone body blurting out that none of them had seen any stupid forks, knives, chop sticks, or any other eating or cooking utensils on or off to the side of the road. Feeling embarrassed at having exposed the fact it was exciting for him to actually know the answer to something for a change, Chuang began distractedly sucking on the thumb of one of his sock puppets, while idly examining his butterfly net to hide his discomfort. Quickly composing himself as best he could, he then causally inquired as to how one might go about looking for all these stupid forks in the road anyway and what one might look for exactly. Lao’s wandering tongue seemed to sometimes have a mind of its own and, being likewise sensitive about others often considering her rather inept and childish, taking a deep breath she just as nonchalantly informed Chuang that all he had to do was stop watching where he was going. After a rapid fire consultation with his sock puppets, Chuang Tzu then turned to Lao and confidently announced that they all agreed they were experts at being good for nothing and never having a clue where they were going much less ever paying serious attention to anything and suspected they might actually be really good at not watching where the hell they were going too.

For perhaps the first time in their lives it turned out the sock puppets and Chuang were correct and they were all fantastically adept at not watching where they were going. They found so many identical forks in the road so fast, without getting hurt once, and had such great fun in the process that they lost all interest in chasing after butterflies and, in their rather sloppy and over-exuberant way, profusely thanked Lao Tzu licking pollen off her hands and face, all the while insisting on giving her the butterfly net as a gift. Surprised and caught off balance with all the sudden attention, Lao blushed and modestly protested that she didn't deserve the butterfly net because she didn't do anything special and never intended for her personal quest to find forks in the road to be helpful to anyone else. Refusing to accept no for an answer, the sock puppets insisted she accept the butterfly net as a gift of gratitude for their new friendship. Both became so grateful and excited at the sudden realization of their newfound clueless friendship they immediately clasped arms and socks and began spinning wildly in circles yelling in delight like little children until they finally all fell down in a dizzy tangle, all out of breath, with the sock puppets panting especially hard being unused to all the exertion. Finally catching their breath, the sock puppets chose that very moment to once again leap into the air from their prone position on the ground shouting out to the world, "Ignorant virtue is its own reward, to have clueless friends you must first be clueless!"

Before long the sock puppets were once again busily distracting each other enthusiastically discussing their new hobby of searching for forks in the road when, being careful not to interrupt, Lao and Tiny both quietly said their goodbyes and resumed sauntering down the path allowing their feet to find the way, while careful to not watch where they were going. After a little awhile, the two came across a palace soldier standing guard at the gate to the kingdom's outer wall. The soldier was bored and grumpy and, knowing Lao's reputation, sardonically inquired as to how on earth Lao believed she was ever going to get anywhere outside the kingdom riding a blind ox around places they've never been before when she always refused to watch where the hell she was going. Puzzled by the strange question Lao just shrugged her shoulders and admitted she hadn't a clue, whereupon the gate guard laughed hysterically in her face and rudely mocked her. With some effort the guard eventually regained his self-discipline and, composing himself, proudly puffed up his chest and sternly admonished Lao shaking his head in negation while ostentatiously wagging his finger under her nose and direly inquiring as to what the damned fool planned to do if she ran into trouble. Which, just happened to be one question Lao Tzu actually knew the answer to and she enthusiastically replied:

Cartoon Logic

When in trouble, when in doubt,

Run in circles, scream and shout!

But if that doesn't work keep trying to figure it out,

Just laugh at any punch lines the truth will come out,

Laugh and find out, what it means to laugh yet again,

Laughing you can decide who you may want to become,

Laughter being infectious you may infect almost anyone!

Some jokes can be priceless when encouraged to be obtuse!

Sooner or later, we all fall down:

Avoid landing hard, on your butt!

Breaking your tail-bone just hurts!

Either humbled on your own knees;

Or, rolling on the ground hysterical!

Laughing, completely out of control!

Laughing your a*s off at everything!

At last having gotten the punch line!

At last becoming who you wish to be!

At last discovering who you really are.

Upon finishing reciting her poem the officious guard's jaw dropped, his eyes glazed over, and without another word he opened the gate, while lowering his head and shaking it in resignation, sighing to himself, and muttering that, perhaps, it was all for the best. As she rode past him Lao offered the butterfly net now filled with flowers to the guard hoping it might improve his mood and he might forgive her foolishness, wistfully adding that nobody had ever caught anything with it and suggesting maybe he would have better luck trying to use it as it a dream catcher instead. Staring blankly back and forth at the butterfly net in his hands and the enthusiastic hopeful expression on her face, while his jaw dropped open even further, the normally demonstrative guard was rendered speechless, yet his heart melted as he recognized the innocent child-like virtue and sincere good will and respect he beheld. Suddenly feeling remorse for how he had treated her, he contritely thanked her for the gift and wished them well on their journey as he watched Lao and Tiny slowly plod off into the sunset never to return to the library again. Closing the gate behind them the guard quietly said a prayer for the two, despite somehow feeling certain they would both be just fine. Some say because she always refused to watch where she was going Lao never died, never became bored, and can still be found bumbling down the odd path with Tiny by anyone steadfastly refusing to watch where they are going.