Chapter 1

The Nameless One's priestess made ready for the ceremony of blood. She waited for his spirit to fill her and make her ready to lead the people in the sacrifice. She hoped for power as she waited, power that would enable her to rule the people in The Nameless One's name. She craved it. A cold chill shook her, and sent shivers up and down her spine. It electrified her and dropped her to her knees. She waited for a rush of power, but it came not. Disappointed, she prepared for the ceremony.
><><><
    The people gathered in the temple square, the temple of El that they had desecrated with worship of another god. All they did was twisted and horrible. The loving fellowship that had taken place there before was but a dream. It was but a mockery of a god they had once called friend.
    Moonstone called the people to begin the ceremony. They chose two young women to be a sacrifice, one of blood, and one of service. Many young women came forward. Moonstone threw the choosing bones and they hit two of the women.
    "The Nameless One! Show me who is to be in your service! Show me your will!" Moonstone screamed. Then she threw one bone. It hit the one on the right. She was a beautiful girl with abundant brown hair and deep brown eyes. Moonstone looked her in the face. A mask of horror was on the girl's face.
    The sacrifice of service was made to kiss the blooded horns of a cow, to consecrate them to The Nameless One. She was shivering with fear. Her large green eyes were full of pain, and she drew her auburn hair around her, as if to shield her from what was to come. The sacrifice of blood was brought forward.
    "Micaela, say goodbye for me. Tell Faren I will always love him. El go with you in what is to come." The sacrifice stood there bravely in the torchlight, her brown hair streaming back in the wind.
    As Moonstone took her and slit her throat, she uttered four last words.
    "El, receive my spirit." Moonstone poured her blood over the horns. Then she turned to face the crowd.
    "Accept our offering, great One whom we do not Name. We humbly offer the blood of our people to you." She screamed. "Followers of The Nameless One, he will reward us for our sacrifice. Go home, and have the comfort of knowing that The Nameless One is pleased with you."
><><><
    A young man stood there, long after the crowds had gone. He wondered, who was El that, that young woman could die with no regrets or fears. He wished he could know such peace, for he was dying, long before he should be, and no one could heal him. He dreaded walking home, for all people avoided him. He could not stand to see the revulsion on their faces as they saw the putrefying sores that covered his body.
    "The Nameless One has no love for me. He wouldn't care if I ignored him, but what chance have I that El could ever love me?" Tears of loneliness filled his eyes and spilled over, but he could not wipe them away, for even the lightest touch caused them to burn in agony.
    "I need someone to love me." he screamed. "Can't you see the loneliness is killing me far faster then this disease ever would?" All those who were passing did not heed his cry. They would not cross the gulf that separated them. They were too afraid of death, and in their minds, that was who he had become. He would find someone who knew El. He must try to find someone who loved him.
><><><
    Moonstone took the other woman to her palace on the mountain. Her training would begin within the hour.
    Micaela, the sacrifice of service, was a follower of El as was Garnet. She had the better end of the bargain, never would she have to face the torture of being in the service of Moonstone. She would not be forced to forget El, and live as a brainless robot for the rest of her life.
    She could hear the footsteps of her captors on the stairs. Slowly the door opened. She called out to El in her moment of greatest terror and he stilled her trembling. She turned to face the door.
    "El, If I ever needed you with me, now is the time. Don't let me fall now.  Keep me strong." It was at that moment that her fear left her and when Moonstone walked into the room, Micaela faced her with cool serenity.
    "I am so glad you're here," Moonstone said with a simpering smile. "I do get so lonely up here in the castle with no one around. I don't know the last time I talked with a girl my own age."
    Micaela stared at Moonstone in shock.
    "You're looking at me like you're expecting a monster. Don't do that, I can be your friend. I haven't had any girl talk in such a long time.  I hardly know where to start.  You'll let me know if I am doing it badly, won't you? Now, where to start? Oh yes, tell me about the one you love."
    Micaela said nothing, but her face began to heat.  Suddenly she was afraid again. Somehow she sensed that this game of Moonstone's was far more insidious than straightforward torture. Yet she could feel El at the back of her mind, urging her to remain strong.
    Moonstone prattled on happily. "There is someone. I can tell by your face.  What's his name?  What's he like? He must be wonderful to snare the attention of a beautiful girl like you."
    Micaela couldn't help the small smile and slight nod.
    "Oh, please talk to me," Moonstone begged. "We could be such friends.  Don't you want that?"
    "I can't Moonstone," Micaela finally spoke. "I would become your friend and then I could not look at what you did as evil and I will let nothing change my mind about my God. As we became closer, the Nameless One would grow less evil in my mind until I would no longer have the strength to stand against you. I know what you offer. Yes, friendship is sweet, but it would soon turn sour, once you had me completely in your clutches. I will not be your friend."
    "Are you sure?" Moonstone's voice sounded a little strained but her face kept its look of innocent naivety. "Our friendship might have just the opposite. I might learn to love your El. Wouldn't you like to return to your family and say that you had made the Priestess of the Nameless One change just by being her friend?"
    For a moment, Micaela was tempted, but El was still with her and he was saying no. "Of course, but the greatest witness I can give you is to stand firm and if El wills that you follow him because of my witness, so be it."
    "Won't you at least tell me the name of the one you love?" She pouted prettily.
    Micaela smiled wistfully as she thought of her Grant. "No," she whispered. "Not even that."
    Moonstone's pout turned petulant. "You were wise not to tell me his name, but it doesn't matter, I will find out.  I will bring him here and allow you to watch him suffer. You shouldn't have tossed aside my friendship so lightly. If you had obeyed and turned to the Nameless One I might have eventually let you return to your family. . .and to the man you love. You will never see him again, except when you watch him writhe in torment before you. I leave you with a small token of my esteem."
    Micaela watched, a deep fear growing in her mind. Moonstone stood and put her hand on Micaela's forehead. She stood there, smiling ever so gently, then her face turned in an instant to one of mindless hatred and the pain came.
    She screamed then. The pain was in her eyes and in her lungs. Every breath was fire and every bit of light pierced her eyes, but she could not close them or look away.  Moonstone's face seemed to grow and filled her vision. The pain grew and spread and still she could not close her eyes.
    "El!" She screamed in desperation, and Moonstone was gone. Micaela fell to the floor and wept.
><><><
    She did not know how long she cried. It felt like hours. Yet as she sobbed, she felt a gentle pair of arms surround her. Warmth and strength flowed into her and she knew she was not alone.
    Again, she heard footsteps outside the door.
    "I am not ready yet, El. You will have to be my strength." Once again, she stood and faced the door, prepared to resist with every little bit of strength she had left, but the one coming through the door was not who she expected. Her friend Bryn stepped into the room.
    "Bryn, what are you doing here? This place is crawling with the spirits of darkness. Moonstone will soon return to continue breaking me.  You must not get caught. Return to my family and let them know I am holding strong and El is more powerful.  Please, you must give them that message. You can't save me." She said in quiet desperation, knowing the danger if they were heard.
    "How did you get past them? Even Moonstone herself cannot walk unseen. They must know you are here.  Get out before it  is too late."
    "I have come to take you home. El covered me, and I passed hidden from all eyes. Even the eyes of The Nameless One himself. Come, we must not stay here any longer. El has given us his protection. We will be able to leave this place without being caught again." They stepped through the door and gratefully made their way from that place.

Reviews

[Lorelee Tate]

An interesting chapter. A little different from my preferred style, but still good. I have some suggestions, though.

First, let me start off by explaining why this differs from the style of writing I tend to prefer. It's not as subtle, meaning that the message isn't as hidden and doesn't require much digging to find. Some people prefer this method, but I like it better when the reader has to search a little to figure out what the author means. I think that that way the message becomes a bit more personal to the reader. This is just my opinion, though. I don't think you should change your entire style based on what one person says.

Now I'll move on to what is less subjective.

There were a few places that I found somewhat confusing. The biggest one was certainly in the section where Moonstone began breaking Micaela. In one sentence, both Micaela and Garnet were mentioned, and then in the next, 'she' was described as the sacrifice of blood. Which she? And who was Garnet? (I did like how there were several names that were also gems, by the way.) I'm guessing that Garnet was the sacrifice of blood, since Micaela was still alive, but it was still a bit confusing. I didn't recall a Garnet mentioned earlier, but perhaps I missed something.

Moonstone is obviously the villain here, but she doesn't seem quite sinister enough to me. She's evil, certainly, but I found it rather odd that a powerful priestess such as herself would allow for some of the people to openly worship another God. If they are allowed to worship El without anyone stopping them, then why does Moonstone choose two followers of El for the sacrifices instead of those who are already loyal to her? It seems to me that she should always be demanding loyalty from the people if she expects Micaela to obey her. Also, doesn't Moonstone have a title or something that most people would call her by? She seems to lose a bit of status if everyone can simply call her by her name. And (this is only sort of related) if Micaela is a follower of El, why would she come forward to be chosen as a sacrifice?

I didn't find a whole lot of physical description here. The description of Micaela was good, but everything else seemed to be a bit lacking. What does Moonstone look like? One thing that might be good to include would be her clothing. How does a priestess of the Nameless One dress? What does the temple look like? And I was a little confused about Bryn. What does Bryn look like? I wasn't even sure if Bryn was male or female. I would recommend to start with describing everything, and then go back and decide what's necessary and what isn't. Most of it will probably be necessary. Also, don't limit yourself to one sense. Try and include as many as you can in your descriptions.

Just a short note: I'm very curious to see what happens with the young man. I see a lot of potential with him.

Another quick note: In the very first section, Moonstone is acting in "the Nameless One's name." That doesn't really make sense to me. Perhaps it might be better with a different word, such as in the Nameless One's stead?

Still, a solid chapter. I'm curious to see where this story goes. I'll try and get to the other chapters as soon as I can, since I've been so bad about returning all of your reviews. ;)

[Stranghill Olganis]

Review: Well done. I noticed a few grammatical errors, but nothing that even a professional writer doesn't occasionally make. The storyline itself isn't so much my style, but I liked the way you did it.

Contest Review: Definitely in. I haven't read all the submissions yet, but I wouldn't be surprised if you were in the top five by the time I finish.