Chapter 1

No one knows of the pain I endure every day of my life. All people see are my actions; not my reasons or all the factors that contributed to shaping me into the person I am today. No one heard me cry as I plunged into the deepest and darkest abyss, but everyone had judgment once I hit the very bottom.  I wasn’t even at the bottom of the barrel; at least there, you could rise again.

            No, I was beneath the bottom of the barrel, a dark place filled with all the disgusting things no one wants to see or speak of. Beneath the bottom of the barrel you will find slimy, shifty creatures and all the manifestations of decaying things that were left there to fester. You become untouchable once you reach this kind of low, and no one will even help you.

            Yet amazingly, reaching this place was the only way I recognized what was good and true. How else can you know what is good unless you have known something bad?

            Finding something good is divine; magical; unreal. Finding goodness in someone else is so uncommon, it’s almost miraculous. How great it is to be discovered by someone who touches you places you didn’t even know you had; sexually; mentally; emotionally; spiritually. Its rarity makes it even more beautiful; irreplaceable; special.   It’s exhilarating sharing experiences with someone who can breathe life into places you thought were dead; soften all your hardened spots; reverse signs of decaying.

            This someone enlightens you by peeling back layers of film from your eyes to introduce you to another perspective; their perspective.  In turn, this someone is willing to allow you to reciprocate because they desire to understand you.  You’re care for; for the first time in your life, you’re loved.  It was unfathomable that there was really love waiting for me, yet I witnessed it; I felt it; I reveled in it.

            Yet knowing and experiencing all this, does not make demons disappear. They may get quiet, but they are always lurking; waiting for opportunities when you are most vulnerable to strike against you.  How can you battle monsters no one else can see, but you? Not even that special someone can see what you see. 

            How can you not become petrified when you can feel the stinking breath of a monster on the back of your neck; feel its thick, hot drool drop upon your skin as it closes in on you? The monster is so close to consuming you, and no one can save you but yourself.

            You can feel the creature getting closer to consuming you each day as you sink closer and closer to the bottom of the barrel.  Some days you want to give up and surrender, but the monster is not kind; you are on its time.  It watches you and waits.

            The lower you sink, the more you can recognize the goodness that was in your presence. You yearn for it. You dream about it.  You cry about it. You know you need it, but the monster has its claws in you. You can only hope and pray that there will not be a day when the goodness you knew is no longer willing to wait while you battle demons.

            But it is inevitable; that day will come. Even the most caring person will not allow the demons of others to cross over their own threshold, and you can’t blame them for not wanting to battle demons you cannot even conquer yourself. The goodness will disappear, and then there’s nothing left to protect you.

            If you’re blessed, you will get to experience joy. Joy comes to those who persevere. Those who persevere not only slay their demons, but also walk through blazing fires that will purify them again. These people have travelled from beneath the bottom of the barrel, and their reward is a second chance; redemption.

            I am not one of these people. My roots are deeply embedded in the soil beneath the bottom of the barrel, and I will only bear evil fruit. My monster is consuming me; slowly devouring me.  I now know that the only way to destroy this monster is to destroy myself; for we are one and the same; and if you are reading this, then the deed had been done.