Chapter 4: Keitha

Everything was getting on Keitha's nerves; the beep that sounded every time she scanned an item; people with coupons; the bad a*s children she encountered.  It was the longest seven hours of her life, and the last thirty minutes of her shift were ticking backwards.

            Her whole day had been fucked up.  She was so tired she could barely stay awake, and she didn't know how she survived the whole day standing up. All she wanted was a warm meal, a hot shower, and a soft bed.  Surely, it would feel like heaven.

Keitha found it hard trying to be friendly when her body ached and cried for attention.  Her stomach was so empty it took everything in her not to double over from the sharp pains she sporadically felt.  Keitha knew it was important to maintain her composure.  She had already been written up for her job performance twice within the past few months and was on probation.   Keitha didn't want to think about what would happen to her if she lost her job.  Jobs in small towns were so hard to come by and she couldn't let foolishness cause her to lose one of the few secure things she had in her life.
            Hell, these days, she didn't even have job security.  One hard fart, and her a*s was out the door.  To think it had come to this over frequently being late and poor customer service made Keitha almost puke.  What stupid reasons to lose a job.  Keitha could only bite the inside of her jaw when she thought of this because she knew she would look totally crazy if she actually bashed herself over the head with a brick like she wanted to do.

            She had to release some pressure or she was going to erupt.  Her nerves were so alive in every part of her body.  She just needed a still moment.  A moment when she was thinking about nothing.  Keitha performed her closing duties mechanically and was relieved when she finally clocked out, but she couldn't leave the store just yet.  She hurried to the ladies bathroom and was happy to find it was empty, but the way Keitha was feeling, it wouldn't have matter if the bathroom was being occupied by others.  All Keitha knew was she was a pressure cooker, and the lid had to be removed.
            Keitha quickly entered the stall and locked it before sitting down on the toilet and rolling her sleeve up to her shoulder.  She removed a paperclip from her pants pocket and straightened it.  She extended her left arm away from her, and with her right hand dragging the dull tip of the paperclip across her skin, she lightly broke her skin, drawing beads of blood. The relief she got from feeling the piercing pain was exhilarating. Her eyes rolled in the back of her head as she physically felt tension leave her body.  She repeated this three more times, leaving four swollen, but neat horizontal lines on the inside of her arm.  Keitha looked at the blood on her arm.  She was amazed at how straight, and perfectly spaced her lines were.  It had become somewhat of an art form.  She dabbed the area with tissue until it stopped bleeding then rolled her sleeve back down.

            No one would understand her need to do this.  Some would even call it self-mutilation.  Keitha didn't think deeply about it.  When she was feeling overwhelmed, cutting herself was what worked to take such feelings, and that was good enough for Keitha.  She had been doing it for as long as she could remember, and she could not see the harm cutting as a coping tool.  

            The real art of being a cutter was knowing how far to go without causing serious injury; Keitha knew exactly how hard to press.  Sometimes she pressed the instrument really, really hard against the inside of her wrist and imagined what it would feel like for all the blood inside her to drain slowly from her body.  All the pressure would be gone then. But that was only sometimes.  Right now, she just needed to cut a little bit, which marked a success in Keitha' book when compared to the times she cut multiple lines on different parts of her body. She exhaled and felt her anxiety level noticeably decreasing.

She was a brand new person as she walked out of the restroom.  Her nerves were still intense, but she felt she could manage them.  Keitha knew Blaire was going to be late picking her up as usual, and she regretted making the transportation agreement that she had with Blaire.  She would make it a point to remind Blaire of their agreement.
            Keitha knew it was her irritability that would make her be confrontational because she usually was not, but she had concerns regarding transportation prior to today.  It really pissed Keitha off to know that Blaire was able to rest the whole day while she on the other hand, had to work running off fumes.  If Blaire was late picking Keitha up, it would be the ultimate "f**k you" to Keitha.  Blaire had been the one to convince Keitha to disregard responsibility, so it was only right that Blaire should be considerate of how tired Keitha would be after working under such conditions.

            Most of all, Keitha felt like s**t because she had been so weak by allowing Blaire to talk her into doing something Keitha was attempting to resist not only for herself by also for LaRoy.  He would be so disappointed in her.
            LaRoy hadn't asked her to change, but Keitha could see the desire lingering in his eyes more and more.  Truth be told, Keitha was starting to want to change herself, but she really enjoyed the lifestyle she lived and she wasn't even trying hard to resist the temptation.
Keitha didn't want to lie to LaRoy, but it would pain her to admit to him what she had done if he ever asked her about it.  She wasn't sure how it would make him feel about her afterwards, and as much as it tore her apart inside to think of ever losing him, she just couldn't stop herself from falling into temptation each time it was presented.

            LaRoy Minniefield was the most consistent person Keitha knew, which had made her come to trust him in a very short amount of time.  He was everything she needed in her life and also everything she did not need in her life.  Keitha knew LaRoy definitely didn't need her life problems at his feet, but as hard as she tried, she could not distance herself from him emotionally.  Even though Keitha believed Blaire would ultimately be her downfall, she had to thank Blaire for inadvertently bringing LaRoy in her life.
            She didn't know what to call the feelings she had for LaRoy.  She only knew she loved the way it felt.  Keitha didn't even have frequent contact with LaRoy, but each encounter was memorable and heart felt, even the first one.  Keitha found herself drifting down memory lane as she waited for Blaire to arrive.  Keitha would never forget a minute of that night at the warehouse party.  Keitha was quite intoxicated and feeling very festive. For once, she was not nervous. This was the only reason she could deal with the fact that Blaire had disappeared in the crowd, leaving Keitha alone.
            Blaire had yelled something over the music; something about going upstairs, but Keitha hadn't even been aware that there was an "upstairs".  Keitha was following Blaire, then before she knew it, the crowd separated them, swallowing up Blaire until Keitha could not locate her at all.  Keitha wasn't worried.  She was fascinated with the sparkly glitter that rained from the ceiling by the pound and the strobe lights that danced on the walls of the dark room.  She felt as if she were entering a scene from a movie.
            There were women dancing topless in cages that hung from the ceiling, the glitter sticking to their skin and making them appear iridescent.  At first Keitha was embarrassed by their nakedness, but feeling the effects of her intoxication more with each minute, she suddenly began to appreciate the beauty of their full, round breasts, and hard n*****s more.  Just as she was beginning to feel a throbbing sensation in her panties, Keitha was interrupted from her reverie by the sudden movement of some people passing by her.

            The place was so crowded, it was impossible not to make physical contact with people to pass by them.  Keitha turned to the side to allow two women holding hand pass by when the second woman reached out with her free hand and grabbed the back of Keitha's head gently and kissed her.  Although she was stunned, Keitha found herself kissing the beautiful woman back, and did not object when the woman parted Keitha's lips with her tongue.  Keitha was really beginning to enjoy the spontaneity of the kiss, when the woman's friend pulled her arm, prompting the end of the passionate kiss to Keitha's dismay.
            "Sorry" the woman murmured as she allowed her friend to guide her through the rest of the crowd, leaving Keitha starring at the back of her until Keitha could not even see the back of her long brunette hair.  

            Keitha almost wanted to find her again, but decided against it.  After all she was at a rave party, and was sure the woman was fucked up, but she could not forget the impression the woman made on her.

            Keitha navigated through the crowd before finally reaching a large, white staircase towards the back of the room.  We she reached the top; she was stopped by a large man who stood on the other side of a velvet rope.  She was suddenly annoyed that Blair had not been standing nearby waiting for her arrival.  Keitha already knew the bouncer would give her a hard time.
            "Name," he demanded immediately.
            Keitha debated if she should even bother giving him her name, knowing it was not on his list.
            "Actually, my friend is already in there," Keitha said nervously, "she was supposed to meet me here, but I guess she doesn't know I'm here."
The bouncer kept the same stoic expression and said nothing.
"If you could grab her, she'll tell you I'm with her," Keitha continued, unsure of what to say.
"And if I leave my post, who will secure this entrance," he asked sarcastically.
"Right," Keitha said, giving up.
The bouncer shrugged his bulking shoulders, then crossing his arms, he turned his back on her.

            Cursing under her breath, she began to turn around to descend the stairs when she heard a man call out to her.  She was surprised to find LaRoy standing next to the bouncer.  She had no idea LaRoy even attended parties.  She had glimpsed him once or twice before when she rode with Blaire to meet him somewhere, but Keitha always remained in the truck, never actually meeting LaRoy.
            She found that she was happy to see him, and also to her surprise, his happy facial expression indicated their thoughts were similar for the moment.  His dark skin shone brilliantly in his pure white two piece linen outfit, completed with peanut butter brown leather shoes.  With a drink in one hand, and his other hand in a pocket he asked, "Keitha, why aren't you up here?"  His mahogany eyes twinkled, but Keitha was not sure if it was because of her, or because the alcohol he was consuming was taking effect. She was stunned that he knew her name, which made her suddenly feel incredibly shy.   She wondered what Blaire had told LaRoy about her, which made her nervousness reappear.  She didn't know if she wanted LaRoy to know about "that".
            "I'm supposed to be in there," Keitha said shyly, "but apparently Blaire has stood me up,"
            "Nonsense," LaRoy said, then addressing the bouncer firmly, "Randy, she's with me".

            The bouncer responded promptly by unlatching the velvet rope to allow Keitha's entry.
            "Thanks," she said meekly once she stood beside him.  She was amazed how much she felt like a school girl around LaRoy, a fact she relished and despised at the same time.
            "Come, let's get you a drink," LaRoy said, smiling.  

            This was the first time Keitha had seen him up-close, and couldn't help but admire his perfectly straight, white teeth when he smiled at her.  Keitha didn't take LaRoy to be the type of man to smile a great deal and wondered if it was she who was causing him to.  She quickly dismissed such silly thoughts and silently chastised herself for entertaining something so stupid.
            They walked together in silence to the bar as Keitha took in her surroundings with amazement.  The area was not nearly as crowded as below, and there was an air of sophistication that was not present below.  Keitha was impressed with the open floor plan of the upper level of the warehouse, and the faux rooms that were created by hanging white sheets from the ceiling.  It was simplistic, but chic.

She stood by the bar as LaRoy ordered her a drink, which she thanked him for before taking a small sip.
"Have you seen Blaire?" she asked, sure LaRoy was going to leave her alone at any moment, although he gave no indication of doing so.
He chuckled before answering, "Yes, but she's busy."

            It was just like Blaire to not be available when needed, Keitha thought.

            "Don't worry about it," he reassured her after noticing the concerned expression on her face, "she won't be very long," he gestured for her to come with him, and she followed him into one of the faux rooms.  There were several people seated on the large leather couches along the back of the room.

            LaRoy snapped his fingers and everyone left the room.  LaRoy motioned for Keitha to have a seat on the couch, then sat down beside her.  Keitha had gathered that LaRoy was someone of importance from the first moment she had laid eyes on him.  The urgency with which everyone else moved upon LaRoy's command made her wonder just how important he was around town.  She had an idea about what he did, but nothing concrete or in detail.
            Blaire never showed up and Keitha spent the whole night talking with LaRoy.  There were no interruptions, only constant exchange of thoughts. They talked about an array of subjects, and Keitha found that LaRoy was interested in the things she had to say.   For the first time, Keitha had established a connection with someone, and she didn't know how to feel about it. A part of her was thrilled of course, but a bigger part of her was afraid that it was all her imagination.  She was afraid to hope for someone who would care about her.
            By the time Keitha finally reached her bed at home, she was certain that LaRoy was important as evidenced to her by his eloquent speech, his logical and critical skills, his regal posture and body language, his command for attention, and his innovative thoughts.  Keitha knew whatever it was that LaRoy did, he was great at it and he was in charge of it.
            As Keitha laid in her bed she tried to fight the crazy feelings that were warring inside her.  Her mind and heart were having a serious battle.  LaRoy had tugged on a few of her heartstrings, and it was undeniable about that she had bonded with him.  It was a feeling she
had never felt before, and it was much deeper than a physical attraction.  Her mind told her she was crazy and experiencing a school girl crush.  LaRoy was much older than she, and maybe she was looking for a father figure, but she didn't think she would have the kinds of thoughts about a father figure that she was having about LaRoy.
            Keitha forced herself to sleep that night to shut her mind off, but she wouldn't forget LaRoy.  Keitha didn't know everything about LaRoy.  LaRoy didn't know everything about her either, but Keitha knew the things he did know about her would be obstacles to them ever truly exploring anything more than engaging in  flirtatious eye contact exchanges when they did meet.  If Keitha wanted to keep LaRoy in her life, she had to do some house cleaning.  She had to stop f*****g up.  She had to stop f*****g with Blaire.
            Keitha's eyebrows furrowed from frustration over Blaire's lateness.  It didn't matter if Keitha had expected her to be late or not.  Keitha was pissed the f**k off.  The truck was hers! She paid for it.  It was a mistake putting the vehicle's information in Blaire's name even though she had a driver's license and Keitha did not.  Blaire totally abused their arrangement and did as she pleased with the vehicle.
Keitha didn't know how she could change any of it, and the more she thought about it, the angrier she became.
            By the time Blaire arrived, Keitha was ready to completely take the day's frustrations completely out on her.  Only when Keitha entered the truck, Blaire had her opened hand extended towards Keitha.  And there it was again.  That damn temptation.  All Keitha's anger and frustrations were forgotten instantly.

            Blaire is going to be the death of me, Keitha thought as she took the pre-assembled pipe from Blaire.
            "I thought I'd make it up to you for being late," Blaire said, handing Keitha a lighter, "you've probably had a rough day.  I figured you could use some good s**t to take the edge off reality."
            Keitha starred at the lighter and contemplated turning it down.  Just earlier, all she wanted to do was eat and sleep.  Would she really start this cycle over again? And be faced with being tired at work again tomorrow? And what about LaRoy?  She already failed him the night before.
            "Here," Blaire urged. 
            Keitha took the lighter, and once they were on the road and away from her job, she hit the pipe filled with crack and all her worry disappeared.  And in that moment life was not only good, but perfect.