~Costly Consequences~

How much is a friendship worth?

"I'm selfish, impatient, and a little insecure. I make mistakes, I am out of control and at times am hard to handle. But if you can't handle me at my worst, then you sure as hell don't deserve me at my best."

-Marilyn Monroe

 

"A true friend knows your weaknesses but shows you your strengths; feels your fears but fortifies your faith; sees your anxieties but frees your spirit; recognizes your disabilities but emphasizes your possibilities."

-William Arthur Ward

Lost in my frosty defenses

unwilling to kill distance

building more lofty fences

shielding glossy pretenses

twisted viscous existence

yielding costly consequences.

 

Alone... reeling from lessons learned

feeling each broken bridge being burned

crying corrodes this haunting throne

earning each hateful word you’ve thrown

sowing stones hoping to atone

knowing I did this on my own.

 

Yearning deep down for love

yet drowning in fear, I shove

worthless when I get nervous

forgetting I’m not perfect.

 

Wrecked with regret when I reflect

still my will won’t disconnect

sealing my heart to protect

concealing chambers it suspects

cancerous complex I can’t correct.

 

I’m not an angel

… no, not at all

say things in anger

behind these walls.

 

This isn’t war

not today

just slam the door

walk away…

 

… Or-stop hurting me

accept me as I am

with the guarantee

I’ll always be your friend.

Author's Note

Reviews

[Rene Salinas]

There seems to be moments in life when all defenses are put to one side. When speaking to a friend we might say: "I feel hurt" I think as I have observed; they do not mean that they have been injured on an accident and they are in deperate need of ER. In some of the cases that I have come across it is a moment of self- realazation. It seems like a strange thing to say. If one has come to realize why is it that it hurts? Maybe because the experience demands that we die internally so that something new can come about. A piece of us dies and another one is brough about. No more wars but acceptance, no more fear of crashing but embrace me and love me, because although I am full of complexities I will not stop trying to be the best that I can be for you.

You have a way to outpour feelings it makes me think I have a carrot stuck in my throat.

Thank you.

[AprilRN1210]

not only is that a huge compliment Rene, but made me giggle slightly at the explanation.. You know how much your reviews and thoughts mean to me.. you are one of the reasons I have the confidence to share so openly.. From the bottom of my heart, Thank you...

[Chris]

Dear and true words whose meaning is so very, very relateable. Well and truly said April.

[AprilRN1210]

I look forward to your visits, each one means so much to me when you "see" and understand my writing.. Thank you so much Chris.. ((big hugs))

[R Smith]

Nobody is perfect April but they can write perfect poetry, as you do, this is a hard hitting piece with much self soul searching so yes its true in the end accept you as you are because you won't be you otherwise, anyone wanting to be your friend should be aware what you see is what you get, that's all we need to know :)

[AprilRN1210]

think that is part of the problem, how can you say--what you see is what you get, when you don't show.. when you keep parts hidden?... I dunno... I know what is in my heart, but can see how it makes it hard if they can't see, know what I mean jelly bean?... anyways, thank you so much for this awesome review Richie, you are so sweet and I appreciate you and your friendship... ((hugs)) to you...

[R Smith]

you're welcome April, don't see you so much these days so its good to know you're ok :)

[emmajoy]

' I shove - worthless when I get nervous - forgetting I’m not perfect. '

I try to find the core of a poem when reading for the second time, more often or not, tis hard to so. But for me, those words above are the power behind your superbly written work. It goes off in all directions, admits, confides, explains, regrets and more, and behind all that is the YOU - and using true language.

This morning am exploring the Cafe for a while; so pleased i have. Tis like walking in a wild garden and finding hidden flowers!

Such a powerful poem, finely displayed with words that are worth a third and more reading. Many thanks for sharing.

[AprilRN1210]

It is always refreshing to see writers who try to break down and "understand" a piece of writing.. while the technical side is equally important, sometimes it is just the message that we want to share.. thank you so much for taking the time to not only do this, but share.. I honestly appreciate it.. I have discovered quite a few amazing things exploring this site... I agree and am humbled that you enjoyed.. :)

[emmajoy]

You're very, very welcome; meant every word.

[Einstein Noodle]

hurt can cut too deep sometimes .. some can't be recovered from it .. the self realizations you write of are a huge first steps .. we are who we are .. its as easy as that .. ;)
E.

[AprilRN1210]

words are more powerful than some realize.. as writers we tend to understand this a little more... they do cut... they hurt.. everyone has flaws, I own up to mine... we all make mistakes... just want to be accepted for my defects, demons, and who I am with the understanding that I will mess up, but doesn't mean I won't be the best friend that I can... am going through something with someone who I considered a dear friend.. it pains me to see how some people react and lash out when mistakes are made... Wish it was that easy E.. thank you my sweet friend..

[jacob erin-cilberto]

you are back at it again, April...Writing me as i was for twenty years between 1975 and 1995---behind all the walls, unwilling to accept love, and not willing to accept who i was first...the overprotective me.

very well expressed, as usual, you write from the guts of it all...in that confessional style of the Plaths, Sextons, Levertovs and others.

[AprilRN1210]

Thank you Jacob.. from the guts and heart is the only way I know how to do it.. makes me jealous of you and others who are so brilliant and intellectual with writing.. It is always an honor to hear your thoughts on my writing.. It means a lot that you understand and can relate.. gives me hope:)
thank you again.. I honestly appreciate it..